26 november 2025
Work is going to be super busy today, it seems. I'm getting my feels in early.
Yesterday I hung out with my friend, and we had a lot of fun and some really nice pastries and Yemeni coffee. However, she hit me with something that was quite... odd. She said that she didn't feel like she was a close and personal friend to me, and that she was someone I was just using, because I felt awkward about her visiting me at my house (I don't) and I never invited her over for activities (it never occurred to me, as I don't have other in-person friends up here.) Instead of reacting to it, I stopped to think, and told her to please stop listing more and more incorrect assumptions based on something I haven't yet had a chance to refute or answer. I am proud of myself for respecting myself and for not breaking down. I am also proud of myself for not flipping that same concern on her (oh yeah? well I've never been to YOUR place either!, thus not resolving what seems to hurt her and bringing up something that I never really cared about as if it's now ammo against her) and I'm proud of myself for not breaking down and saying I'm a piece of shit, please pity me, I am terrible... etc etc etc until she says "okay, okay, I will drop my own concerns and never bring them up to you because you'll just self-deprecate until I cave in."
I have dealt with people who do both of those things, and that is not healthy. If someone were to respond that way to me on a consistent basis, I wouldn't want to interact with them anymore. I want to respect myself, my time and my wellbeing more.
Work did indeed get busy, but now it's slow again. I have been thinking about my period of what I can now acknowledge was possibly abuse of amphetamines. I've never really abused amphetamines in the way that you'd see in the movies, but there are still people out there who have only ever known the version of myself under amphetamines. For example, people I've spent a Saturday/Sunday with before 2018, at raves or club nights/afters. Possibly more than once. And I wasn't even 18 at the time! This is crazy to me, especially since I underwent such a drastic shift in priorities, personality and social aptitude in 2018. But, anyway. You can tell that the expectations of these people about me (those I built when we spent time together while I was high) are not met when I'm sober. I don't think I'm an unpleasant person while I'm sober, much less so given all of the self-development I've made in the last 7 years, but I can definitely tell when the expectations about me (and of me) manifest. It's not disappointment. It's just that they remembered "something else". If you are like me and you are now used to overthinking this kind of stuff, you probably know the melancholy I'm feeling. This imbalance can be a source of a weird kind of craving for a substance I do not need to continue my otherwise satisfactory, stable and good life, to chase some "lost futures." The reason I am probably thinking about this is because I have resumed going to shows like I once did, and I somehow feel like I am now experiencing significantly less joy as I am sober during them, missing the times when I was off my face on speed.
I really did not have that much speed in the 2 years I used it. I never used at home, nor did I feel inclined to do so. Only during social gatherings where I knew other people were doing drugs, and in any case at all, not more than once every month on average, and the extreme maximum was twice in a month (so, every other week.) I knew about the mechanisms I described above already, but never really worried as I did not have nearly as much of a feeling of responsibility. I did not have other outlets to do this stuff, and maybe in hindsight I can say that I thought it was expected of me even back then. At some point I ran out, stopped going to these gatherings after the co-op club we all hung out at shut down for good, and I never took amphetamines again. The difference between going out with or without speed in other places and other social circles, was not so big to push me to find a dealer or reconnect with someone who might have had more of a supply; the result of this is that I have not taken any amphetamines since then, at all. But now, for some stupid and bizarre reason, I'm starting to overthink and analyze how I used to work in social situations while on speed, versus while sober now BUT with the addition of 7 years of self-development. I kind of miss my speedy self, and I think some people miss it too, but those people are not in my direct friend group anymore (as I have moved twice since then, across the world both times), and I can acknowledge the effect of rose-tinted glasses and nostalgia.
If any townie reads this, please let me know your experience and/or any advice that you might have concerning this. I would also like to say that I AM NOT INTERESTED IN EVER OBTAINING AMPHETAMINES, LEGALLY OR ILLEGALLY, EVER AGAIN. THEY MESSED WITH MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY IN A WAY THAT I DO NOT LIKE AND HAVE NEVER FULLY RECOVERED FROM, AND NO NOSTALGIA CAN POSSIBLY BRING ME TO GO BACK TO THEM. Heck, I didn't even want to get prescribed Adderall after I got diagnosed with ADHD... This is purely me missing a period of my life, and I am thankfully mature enough to acknowledge that taking amphetamines now would NOT fix this. I will stick to a "high on life" approach where I use it as an opportunity to practice appreciating the great vibes, and/or stick to legal means of intoxication.