8 december 2025
I missed the feels deadline. I think I'll just use nbsp's utility to switch my time zone to my real one so this stops happening. Ugh.
Today has been a reasonably miserable day, despite my accomplishments, just because I can't stop reading into things.
Back to normal timeline. The stuff above was written after UTC midnight, so it ended up in this file. I realized that having a job in support is actually very convenient, because I can run away from my problems by solving others'. Jokes aside, having a job in general has given my day the structure it needs and made my overall wellbeing improve.
My friend texted me back last night rather late, around 10pm. I didn't even bother to be upset or anything, but I will file it away as a mental note that this is not someone that I can (or should) be so available towards. There's no reason it should weigh on my mind, and just because they lovebomb me does not mean I should expect full availability from them. I am falling back to my old ways in that regard, and I would much rather practice the lessons I learned from making these mistakes.
You're gonna laugh, but I just want someone who would call me smart and kiss me on the forehead because I figured out the proper parameters for the 300Hz high-pass filter AF response registers on the BK4829 radio chip, thus improving mains hum filtering in AM reception for the new walkie-talkie that came out last month. I have one (kinda), and I have the other, but not both together. I don't like that I have to do stuff that isn't my favorite just to get validation, and the stuff I like doing does not get me any brownie points or affection that seems to be the only method of validation my brain accepts and cherishes. This might be a good topic to bring up in therapy once I get that set up.
It's not in my head. I ran the analysis and she did get significantly less affectionate these days, including the ratio of insta reels I send vs the ones she sends. This might seem like an absurd amount of analysis to go through, but if that's what it takes to know that I'm not insane and have peace of mind, I don't see a problem with it. I suppose the thing I am mainly looking for is justification to match energy and/or detach. I think I've obtained that now.
I don't like that my bones hurt and I am getting physically unwell as a result of mental anguish. Mental illness should stay in its fucking quadrant and leave me the fuck alone. I don't know how to break the cycle. I am now paranoid about all manner of improbable things and illnesses, and the more I think about them, the more the phantom pain manifests. This is incredibly inconvenient and I fucking despise it.
After work I went on a walk without my phone, just my music player. I ended up doing some shopping, which was previously unimaginable because I figured it would be too cold. Proud of myself for that. When I got back, I saw that my friend texted me back and reassured me that she didn't magically begin to hate me and still loved and appreciated me. I had a good evening with some fun activities. Now I'm going to bed early so I can catch up on the sleep I lost yesterday.