21 september 2024
21 Sep 2024
It looks like I haven't been active here at all since maybe January of this year. So it's been a while. Part of why I ended up talking a lot in tildechat was just from ... re-evaluating some things, sort of separating myself from the online social environment I'd fallen into over the years. Such that on returning I stopped paying much attention to here.
But I've got a home directory on tilde.town. It takes up nine whole megabytes! And this isn't the biggest machine --- that's part of the fun, really.
So I'd like to do something, with it, even if I'm not totally sure what yet.
This was also the year I shifted to living on-campus, instead of doing online classes and commuting. This was kinda last-minute, so I had no in-person classes in the Spring semester, and ... essentially with the English course I was taking there was a bit of a situation where the professor graded an assignment zero, with no explanation given other than that I should meet him in his office. His office hours did not align with my incredibly fucked sleep schedule at the time, so I figured --- ah, well. It's just one bad assignment. I'll do better next time.
The next one too was zero. And then the one after that. And my meds ran out. I came to think my professor wanted revenge on me, that as a punishment for failing to meet him the first time I'd doomed myself to fail the whole course.
In a way, I had.
Eventually I checked the syllabus in desperation and realized this pattern was vaguely in line with the AI policy. I wrote an 800 word email arguing against this. The response came back, to meet with him. No explanation given. So I didn't sleep at all one night, went into his office, and heard that the whole time it was just that. Policy.
The assignments I'd managed to do beforehand were reassessed. But by the time I was medicated again, by the time I was sleeping more than once every other day, I was so hopelessly behind that I just ... stopped bothering, for everything.
Instead I got back into art.
I used to draw constantly as a kid, but as puberty hit, as mounting depression kind of irreparably damaged everything about me, I stopped. Retreated purely into tech stuff, a bit of creative writing here and there.
And now it's back, and ... it's been good for me. I've been making friends, through putting my art out on the internet. My mental state is, frankly, dogshit, but at the same time better than it's been in years. I can feel things now! Which means I break down sobbing over fucking nothing, that I'm anxious pretty much all of the time. But it's better than the apathy. Anything is.
Part of that whole change, is starting to become well enough to actually introspect a little. So I've been reflecting, on my self.
AND FUCK, I'M TRANSGENDER
I'VE BEEN TRANS THIS ENTIRE GODDAMN TIME
THAT CRUSHING SENSE OF HOPELESSNESS WAS GENDER DYSPHORIA
OH GOD