11 august 2017
Hello feels, and hello tilde.town. I want to record some feelings that I had a few days ago. Life has been a bit hectic this year, by my own personal standards for life. I don't find any value in comparing, since there will always be many whos lives are far worse, and many whos lives are far better, making the comparison a wash every time.
In any case, for me, this year has been difficult. I have felt depression and anxiety in the past, but I would not say that I "suffer" from them generally. I count myself quite lucky, because I know many, including people very close to me, that do suffer. But I have had a few severe episodes, and this week I had one with anxiety/depression. An attack, I suppose it is called generally.
It has been years since I've had such an attack. At least, one this bad. But I did something quite different with it. I isolated myself (which I tend to do when I'm emotional anyway,) and I decided to write. Well, to type in any case, while I was having the attack. I wanted to get the feelings out, I wanted to get the words out, and I wanted to do it while I was in the throws of it.
It was very raw, and I let it be very raw. I wrote exactly what I felt, and I tried to let myself feel what was really in my heart and mind (to be honest, I've generally, in the past, disallowed certain feelings and ideas, rejected the very idea that they could be mine.) It was painful, but it was also helpful. It was actually physically painful, I think I strained a muscle in my neck writhing and screaming. It's been hurting all week.
What a picture. Anyway, I suppose my point in sharing this here is to complete some kind of circle. It is one thing to feel something alone, to go through something alone, but it is something else to reach out, even in a small way, and share that with some other part of humanity. I don't really wish to share what I wrote- that's a lie, part of me does want to share it, but I'm afraid- but I want to share the experience.
Depression and suffering are pervasive, even among people that "have it all." That has been my experience. We're all human, imperfect, fractured. Magazines, tv, movies, and society in general seem to want people to pretend that they are whole, perfect, beautiful, confident, but that has not been my experience with humanity. And that is ok. That is reality, and it is good, even if it hurts.