13 july 2021
man, I feel like total garbage. I was unable to sleep last night due to just... idk. general melancholy/existential dread, I guess. my life is a huge mess and I'm going nowhere fast. idk what to do. I feel trapped. I'm sure I'll figure something out, eventually, but for now it really sucks. idk why I'm complaining, really; I have it pretty good, all things considered, yet I am just always miserable. I think a lot of that misery stems from just... nothing I do ever really goes anywhere. like for example, I'll come up with a cool project idea, work on it for a week, and just abandon it, usually because someone did it way better than I could ever hope to. I know I should be creating things for the sake of creating them, and not to be THE BEST THERE IS or THE FIRST TO HAVE WHATEVER IDEA, but... I dunno. it's hard sometimes. a lot of the time, actually.
aside from MY HOBBIES, just... idk. I used to be a programmer, but I got let go for being depressed, but not before they put me on unpaid leave for so long that I ended up totally broke. now I just work as a cashier at a hole-in-the-wall gas station. I picked up 3D modeling again recently, and actually started drawing, which was nice. for a brief moment, I had my hopes set on maybe opening commissions one day to help supplement my income, but who am I kidding? I suck.
idk where I'm going with all this. just venting, I guess. anyway, thanks for reading this if you did.