03 october 2021
hello! it's been a while. things have been... hm. I definitely had a huge breakdown last week, but now I'm feeling a lot better idk.
hello! it's been a while. things have been... hm. I definitely had a huge breakdown last week, but now I'm feeling a lot better idk.
man, I feel like total garbage. I was unable to sleep last night due to just... idk. general melancholy/existential dread, I guess. my life is a huge mess and I'm going nowhere fast. idk what to do. I feel trapped. I'm sure I'll figure something out, eventually, but for now it really sucks. idk why I'm complaining, really; I have it pretty good, all things considered, yet I am just always miserable. I think a lot of that misery stems from just... nothing I do ever really goes anywhere. like for example, I'll come up with a cool project idea, work on it for a week, and just abandon it, usually because someone did it way better than I could ever hope to. I know I should be creating things for the sake of creating them, and not to be THE BEST THERE IS or THE FIRST TO HAVE WHATEVER IDEA, but... I dunno. it's hard sometimes. a lot of the time, actually.
aside from MY HOBBIES, just... idk. I used to be a programmer, but I got let go for being depressed, but not before they put me on unpaid leave for so long that I ended up totally broke. now I just work as a cashier at a hole-in-the-wall gas station. I picked up 3D modeling again recently, and actually started drawing, which was nice. for a brief moment, I had my hopes set on maybe opening commissions one day to help supplement my income, but who am I kidding? I suck.
idk where I'm going with all this. just venting, I guess. anyway, thanks for reading this if you did.
Oops I haven't been very active on here lately, huh? I've been busy experimenting with Gemini on my server.
Other than that, I tried out Cho Ren Sha 68k today and it rules.
Song of the day: Thin Lizzy: The Boys Are Back In Town
Oh man! I logged into PSO2 today, and who do I notice in the lobby but Kireek and Ash from the original PSO! They gave me their partner cards, and asked me to show them around Naverius. That's really cool! I can summon them into my party whenever now!
I used conditioner on my hair for the first time in a while. I forgot how soft it gets when I do that; it's lovely.
Hrmmm... I feel weirdly anxious this morning, but I don't know why.
The night before last was pretty wild in terms of weather; We had a huge thunderstorm, then over the course of the night it changed into a blizzard. I've never seen anything like it.
I've decided I'm gonna make my RPG project using RPG Maker. As much as I'd love to make the whole thing from the ground up, I don't actually have much gamedev experience other than the fact that I've made a fairly basic, mostly finished roguelike several years ago. People give RPG Maker a hard time, but you can do some neat things with it; Just look at games like Jimmy and the Pulsating Mass, Hylics, OneShot, etc. Speaking of Jimmy and the Pulsating Mass, I really need to get back to that game. Maybe when I'm feeling a little better.
Oh yeah speaking of RPGs, I played a little bit of Lagrange Point, a Japan-exclusive NES/Famicom sci-fi RPG. I've only played about an hour and a half, but it's really cool so far! The music slaps, there are neat little cutscenes, and some of the mechanics seem kinda interesting. For example, instead of a traditional MP stat, you have BATTERY POINTS, which also get used up by basic weapon attacks in addition to special skills. I'm not 100% sure how I feel about that just yet, but I think it might be good for me, as I'm someone who tends to hoard their MP in RPGs. Characters have special, powerful abilities that can only be used when they are feeling HYPE, which reminds me of Dragon Quest XI. Or, I guess it would be the other way around, huh? Anyway, there also seems to be some sort of weapon combination system, but I haven't made it far enough to unlock it yet.
I really really wanna play through the classic Phantasy Star games. I've played the first one right up to the final boss, but I wanna replay it with the cool fan translation that got released not too long ago. Problem is, I haven't really had the energy to go through an 8-bit dungeon crawler without an automap. As silly as this sounds, maybe I could write an automap plugin for Bizhawk or something. I know writing an automap is probably more work, but I guess what I mean by "I haven't had the energy to map an 8-bit dungeon crawler" is "it doesn't interest me".
I desperately need to work on my bad habits.
I tend to spend too many of my days off just lying in bed feeling sorry for myself instead of actually doing anything.
Now, I'm not saying I can't rest, but I tend to just lie there and yell at myself internally until I feel too crummy to actually get out of bed. It's a vicious cycle.
I have an RPG project I wanna work on. I've got some ideas for class + skill progression, but I dunno if I want it to be an auto-battler style idle game, or a roguelike/lite. I say lite because if I do go that route, it would probably have permadeath off by default.
I think I'm gonna start keeping a list of the POSITIVE things I get done each day. Positive is probably the wrong word, but... the little things I get done that aren't actively harmful to my mental health. It's always so easy to just say I got nothing done in a given day, when that's simply not true.
God Windows 10 is such a chore to use. It fights me at every step of everything I want to do. Literally the only reasons I keep it around are ZeroRanger and Phantasy Star Online. For whatever reason, I just cannot get those two specific games running properly with WINE + Linux.
I felt like absolute trash all day, but once I rolled out of bed and came up with a NIFTY PROJECT IDEA for Tilde.Town and chugged an energy drink, I started to feel significantly better. I really need to cut back on the energy drinks, but they taste so good and do wonders for my lack of motivation... kinda sorta. I dunno if SUDDEN MANIC BURSTS OF ENERGY are "good", but it beats lying in bed all day and wishing I didn't exist.
Anyway, I'll probably talk more about my COOL PROJECT later. I wanna hash out some ideas on my own first before I really talk about it out in the open, if only because I have a habit of dropping projects after like two days.
In other news, I picked up PSO2 again the other day. If you see a purple female CAST named Neige running around Ur, feel free to say hi.
Aw dang I just looked into asciifarm and I think it does everything I was planning on doing with my PROJECT and more. I'll look into it some more when I get home from work.
The passage of time can be so frustrating sometimes: It often feels as though any time spent at home is gone in an instant, whereas any time spent at work goes by at half speed or something. I realize that this is probably normal, but it's super frustrating all the same.
In some ways, I definitely feel like a good chunk of my life has already passed me by, but on the other hand, I'm not even 30 yet. I dunno I guess I just don't feel like I've managed to get anything of value done in my time here.
Sure, I finished highschool and college, but I don't really feel like those mattered at all. I may have been a mid-level software developer, but here I am working a cashier job in a hole-in-the-wall gas station now instead cause the dev work was too stressful for my anxious ass.
I always feel like I have a lot to say.
That is, until I find myself some sort of space where
I can say it, in which case I immediately lose all
motivation.
To be honest, motivation in general is a huge issue for me:
I often struggle to complete the most basic of tasks if
they are of no interest to me. Even if I am motivated to
work on something, I typically lose interest after about
a week or two anyway.
Bah okay forget all the headers and twitter-like structure; I'm just gonna ramble without structure from now on.
I hate how I am constantly driven to CREATE, but always lose interest in my projects after a week, if they even last that long.
