16 march 2018
So much for adding to this every day. I have an excuse though: I was in California and my ssh keys were back home.
Had a great time sightseeing around L.A. with some old friends. Ate lots of good tacos, enchiladas, and donuts. Had an exciting time driving around in a comically tiny rental car.
As an outsider, everything there seemed shiny and fun, but my friends already seemed to be kind of tired of their situation. It kind of throws water on my asssumption that once you're married and have a house, that the next step is to relax and have a good time until the kids show up. Not that they seemed totally miserable, but both were unhappy in their jobs in different ways (uncertain about funding for projects, vs not using your full capabilities working on dull subjects).
That, and the fact that the main purpose of the trip was for me to present what I've been working on for the past year to our collaborators and funding source, put me into kind of an introspective/depressed mood.
Where am I going with my career? My current gig is on a yearly contract that won't last forever, so I need to make some kind of decision soon-ish. I just wish I had some stronger feelings about what I'm doing. I mean, my job right now is ok. I'm working on stuff that, when I describe it to people, sounds pretty cool. But a lot of times I'll be feeling blah about it and even have trouble getting out of bed and going to the office.
I feel like I should be more grateful, and more enthusiastic, about my work. I have a lot of freedom in what to do day to day, and not many responsibilities, so I should be enjoying it while it lasts. The next step up on the 'career ladder' is sure to be extremely stressful, if I decide to go for it, and I'm not really sure if I'm ready or capable of that. Or maybe I'm just scared that I would fail, and get fired after a few years. I'm afraid of working hard, in case my hundred percent effort still isn't good enough.
Lately, the last couple of years(?), I have been complaining to myself that I don't have enough energy to do everything I should be doing. I don't know if it's a medical isssue, or a mental issue, but it hasn't been getting any better. Either way, it's easier to make excuses than to ask for help.