I'm getting ready to move in a few weeks, to a new town, a new state.
Lately I keep having this thought, "my life is ending." Uhh, no it's not! I plan on continuing to breathe for several decades more at least.
But then again a lot will be different. New house, new job, trying to maybe make some new friends. It all just sounds impossible. I'll give it a try though.
In a couple weeks I'll be a billion seconds old.
My album of the year for 2019 is Upset's self-titled LP. I think it was the only new album I bought all year, but I really like it. I only found out about that band becuase earlier in the year I ordered a random grab bag of cassette tapes from Lauren records and their '76 EP was included. There's so much good music out there that I haven't found yet.
I know the groundhog predicted an early spring, but I wasn't expecting it to arrive two days later. It would be nice to wear shorts this week, except that I don't know if I'm prepared for coworkers to comment on my shaved legs. Probably no one will notice, or they will be too polite to comment.
Maybe some day I'll conquer my anxiety and just tell everybody that I'm trans. Maybe that day will be tomorrow. We'll see.
We had a big snowstorm yesterday, which is super weird for mid-November. It got me in the mood to plan some ski trips for this season. I'm going to try to do at least one trip to Colorado to visit an old high school friend, and one trip to Vermont with my sister. Not that I'm an expert skier or anything, but I love having something to look forward to after new years.
It's been a while since I logged my feels... A couple months ago I got to do a live audition for Jeopardy. Now I'm in the 'contestant pool' and they can call me up any time in the next 18 months to be on the show. Not getting my hopes up, but it would be cool.
Also I had my 30th birthday a couple weeks ago. A turning point in the life of ~molten? We'll see.
This morning, I was faced with a conundrum. Have toast with 5 months expired nutella, or have plain toast with nothing on it.
Naturally, I did an internet search, "Is it ok to eat expired nutella?"
The first result said it's ok. The texture might change, but as long as it smells good, it's ok to consume. There was a comment on the page. It read, "I have reached rock bottom. If I die, then I won't have to live with the shame of having eaten expired nutella."
I felt some solidarity with the commentor.
My mom grew up in farm country. She would say, "When in doubt, eat it anyway."
Today, I followed that advice. So far I am still living.
Just watched Wes Anderson's Isle of Dogs. I bawled my eyes out during the one part (when the dog dies).
Less than a year ago my dog died. I guess I wasn't ready for this movie. Overall it was still pretty great though. Arrroooooooooo.
I remember seeing a Jack Russell with crazy bloodshot eyes in the previews, but I didn't see him in the full movie. Kind of disappointing, since Jack Russells are the best.
Dear person who left an angry note taped to the seat of my bike,
Sorry that I accidentally locked my bike to yours. I was running late and not paying attention. I hope it didn't cause you to be late to a meeting, or miss a train (although the fact that you took the time to find paper, a pen, and a piece of tape to inform me of my misdeed suggests that you were not especially in a hurry). In the future I will endeavor to be more conscientious about my bike locking procedures.
Peace and love, from your buddy molten
Last night I went to a Stephen Wilson concert with a friend from work. It was kind of weird, being someone at a show who didn't know any of the music, where everyone else in the audience was singing along with the songs.
Makes me wonder, if in some parallel universe, I had discovered Porcupine Tree when I was in high school, and they became my favorite band. Then the concert would have been a religious experience, instead of several hours of mild boredom, and a sore back from standing in one place. My friend was really into it, so I'm glad he had a good time. Usually I'm the one dragging people to see a band that I love but they've never heard of, and it was kind of weird being on the other side of that situation.
Also had Ethiopian food for the first time. Maybe I ordered the wrong thing, but the beef was chewy as hell, and I couldn't really enjoy it, even though the flavor was interesting. The pancake/bread was good though.
My dad gave me a lump of coal, with the name of his home town and a picture of a coal breaker carved on it. (The breaker was the place where coal was taken to be broken up and manually sorted by a bunch of little kids before it was sold.) He said he used to keep it on his desk to remind him where he came from, and how lucky we are to not have to work in a coal mine.
It's kind of crazy to think, that if I was born even a hundred years ago, I probably would have spent my life in a mine, or out in a field. Maybe a hundred years from now people will be saying they can't believe people really worked in an office and sat in a chair all day looking at a 2D screen with text on it.
For now though, I'm ok with it.
So I'm transgender. Yay.
Just wanted to get that out there.
I've known for a long time, but it was always something to deal with later. It never seems like a good time to talk about my gender, but I need to make an effort. Since it's been on my mind so much, and it's starting to weigh me down.
Last weekend at a bookstore I randomly picked up an autobiography of a trans woman. It turns out we went to the same high school a few years apart, so that's cool. As I'm reading it, I can't help comparing myself to her. If I had started my transition when she did, I'd be done by now. Or at least be at the point where I'm not having extreme anxiety about it all day every day.
They say the best time to plant a tree was ten years ago, but the second best time is right this minute. So yeah, I think it's time to get started.
Concerts are the best.
Met up with some old friends and went to see Broken Social Scene last night.
It was a really nice show. That band always seem like they're having such a good time on stage. They featured the best songs off their new album, but mostly focused on You Forgot It In People (my favorite). They played all the hits and even a couple unexpected instrumental tracks. The new album is called Hug of Thunder, which I think is a good description of their sound. Not many bands can really handle having four guitars onstage at once, but for Broken Social Scene it's perfect.
There's a feeling I get sometimes when I'm leaving a concert. The words I think of are "life affirming" but I don't know if that really captures it. It's like, I got to share in a joyous experience with a group of people, and we might never see each other again, but the experience unites us.
There's also another feeling I get the morning after a great concert, but that's easier to name: hangover.
Recipe for a perfect day in NYC: bottomless brunch, frying pan, walk on the high line, good beer and a pickle plate, lantern thai, and tiny cupcakes.
Oh, also halva donuts that don't taste like maple.
Today I feel like: writing long posts about my feelings and then deleting them, even though these entries are totally anonymous and nobody even reads them.
New project: to make a write-only text editor so I can just get over myself.
So much for adding to this every day. I have an excuse though: I was in California and my ssh keys were back home.
Had a great time sightseeing around L.A. with some old friends. Ate lots of good tacos, enchiladas, and donuts. Had an exciting time driving around in a comically tiny rental car.
As an outsider, everything there seemed shiny and fun, but my friends already seemed to be kind of tired of their situation. It kind of throws water on my asssumption that once you're married and have a house, that the next step is to relax and have a good time until the kids show up. Not that they seemed totally miserable, but both were unhappy in their jobs in different ways (uncertain about funding for projects, vs not using your full capabilities working on dull subjects).
That, and the fact that the main purpose of the trip was for me to present what I've been working on for the past year to our collaborators and funding source, put me into kind of an introspective/depressed mood.
Where am I going with my career? My current gig is on a yearly contract that won't last forever, so I need to make some kind of decision soon-ish. I just wish I had some stronger feelings about what I'm doing. I mean, my job right now is ok. I'm working on stuff that, when I describe it to people, sounds pretty cool. But a lot of times I'll be feeling blah about it and even have trouble getting out of bed and going to the office.
I feel like I should be more grateful, and more enthusiastic, about my work. I have a lot of freedom in what to do day to day, and not many responsibilities, so I should be enjoying it while it lasts. The next step up on the 'career ladder' is sure to be extremely stressful, if I decide to go for it, and I'm not really sure if I'm ready or capable of that. Or maybe I'm just scared that I would fail, and get fired after a few years. I'm afraid of working hard, in case my hundred percent effort still isn't good enough.
Lately, the last couple of years(?), I have been complaining to myself that I don't have enough energy to do everything I should be doing. I don't know if it's a medical isssue, or a mental issue, but it hasn't been getting any better. Either way, it's easier to make excuses than to ask for help.
Took the Jeopardy online test last night. Fingers crossed.
Five minutes before the test I read through the list of US presidents. Got a question on who was president after WH Harrison. It was Tyler. nice
That almost makes up for having a brain fart and typing 'beauty and the beast' for the fairy tale starring princess Aurora. oh well
This is cool.
Lately it feels like everything I write is either code or equations. Back in high school and college I used to write a lot, but that kind of fell quickly by the wayside when I stopped having regular deadlines.
Maybe this low pressure, anonymous website will be a good place to start putting words on paper again. Well, words on a screen anyway.