17 april 2019
Well, that was... In some sense necessary. definitely not needless.
I feel unwell? No, not quite. I'm still here, and I still feel. Now it is all a question of degree.
I'm sure what to do about it now->
It has been almost 5 months since December 20th. You have had your time to reflect, reflect. For all that we got wrong, all the mistakes, and all the pain, all that we got wrong, all the mistakes, all the pain,
wrong mistakes pain
We sought to correct the mistakes. We endured the pain. And it was too much.
We got too many things wrong. We made too many mistakes. We endured too much pain.
And now, to forget? No. We cannot just forget. I cannot just forget about it. How could I? I cannot forget. It is all here. Everything. The graduation balloons we tried to infalte at 4am in some basement. No, it so quiet now. Fun? Yeah, the voices sound funny with helium. Hey, come tomorrow, you can try a little bit of the helium. Say whatever, just not now. Can you believe it? One day! This is all one day! How did we manage to fit so much in a day! And what a wonderful day it was. Coconut juice, a bag with funny doodles, food, games, friends, family. We did not sleep that day. And the day after, not much to be done. Now much that needed be done. After a day like that, you can take one off.
So, no forgetting. Remembering, rather. Remembering. And hopefuly, after enough time spent parallel to the floor. Occupying as little space as possible, wanting to disappear, but not quite. After enough nights spent down in that place all too familiar. After enough days spent dreading the thought of having time to think. Alone time to really think. To ponder about this. What will I think? Avoidance is not a possibility. You have the rest of your life to really think about this. So, I would rather think about this now. Whatever the thoughts may be, they are mine. Mine to bear.
Biscuit is cute though ngl