08 june 2019
"Why am I so terribly unhappy?"
it's been some time already
but you can imagine how difficult it is to get over you
and how impossible it is to forget you
Besides that, I am rejoiced to hear about what you've been up to lately.
You're taking calc 2 and CS, soon to be calc 3 - that's fantastic news
I'm also happy to know that you and new boyfriend fit together so nicely.
I want to one day have my life together like yours.
04 june 2019
31 may 2019
so, I was at work today, and Katelyn made an offhanded remark.
She said "sorry i never see you" since our schedules almost never coincide.
That got me thinking. I'm sorry I didn't see you enough.
05 may 2019
well, at least you still have telegram
26 april 2019
I only wish (wish) for two things for you, A
First, (although less importantly) I wish for you to be happy.
Second, (but more importantly) I wish you to live a fulfilling and meaningful life.
I wish happiness for you in a way that only you can get it. If happiness to you is being in a certain relationship, then I’m all for it. Stay with him and love him. Show him the side of you that I’m so happy to have seen, if only briefly. And, really, I deeply hope your family accepts him for who he is.
I'll let go. Only because I love you,,,,
24 april 2019
I love you
with every piece of my soul
it's been too long already
I can't sleep
there's not been rest since then
I'm ready to change for you
I think it's kind of funny
The longer it's been since it happened,
the more I think about how we would've lived together
if you decided to move out.
when baby hens hatch, they seek out for their mom
the way it's supposed to work is
-the first bird they see must be their mom
-and they instantly become attached to that bird and trust it with their lives
but sometimes, mom hen has to step outside for a second, and another hen looks after the eggs
could be dad hen, could be any other bird
point is, this is NOT THE RIGHT bird
and the hens hatch and see that bird
it's done. this is now their protector, their guide, their everything
actual mom hen can walk to them and they wouldn't care about her
I don't so much feel, but I know I might not have been the right one
and this was definitely not the right time
but there was something about us that I had to say
I gazed into your eyes for the first time, and I fell in
I don't know if I'll have another shot with a different set of eyes
17 april 2019
Well, that was...
In some sense necessary.
definitely not needless.
I feel unwell? No, not quite. I'm still here, and I still feel. Now it is all a question of degree.
I'm sure what to do about it now->
It has been almost 5 months since December 20th. You have had your time to reflect, reflect.
For all that we got wrong, all the mistakes, and all the pain,
all that we got wrong,
all the mistakes,
all the pain,
We sought to correct the mistakes. We endured the pain. And it was too much.
We got too many things wrong.
We made too many mistakes.
We endured too much pain.
And now, to forget?
No. We cannot just forget. I cannot just forget about it. How could I?
I cannot forget. It is all here.
The graduation balloons we tried to infalte at 4am in some basement. No, it so quiet now. Fun? Yeah, the voices sound funny with helium.
Hey, come tomorrow, you can try a little bit of the helium. Say whatever, just not now.
Can you believe it? One day! This is all one day! How did we manage to fit so much in a day!
And what a wonderful day it was. Coconut juice, a bag with funny doodles, food, games, friends, family.
We did not sleep that day. And the day after, not much to be done. Now much that needed be done. After a day like that, you can take one off.
So, no forgetting.
Remembering, rather. Remembering.
And hopefuly, after enough time spent parallel to the floor. Occupying as little space as possible, wanting to disappear, but not quite.
After enough nights spent down in that place all too familiar.
After enough days spent dreading the thought of having time to think. Alone time to really think. To ponder about this.
What will I think?
Avoidance is not a possibility. You have the rest of your life to really think about this. So, I would rather think about this now.
Whatever the thoughts may be, they are mine. Mine to bear.
Biscuit is cute though ngl
25 july 2018
ive never liked trophies
25 may 2018
please dont give up now...
23 march 2018
If you feel lost, it’s not all bad. I think feeling ‘lost’ gives you a little vacation from thinking about small day-to-day details. If your days feel stagnant, how do your weeks feel? How do your months feel? You can always find a greater length of time in which you still have a direction and some progress made towards it. I find it hard to lose aim completely.
28 january 2018
Yeah but you still have a life to keep up?
That would be ideal. Yes.
What’s stopping you then?
Nothing, i just think of everything as endlessly nostalgic. It’s recursive, and half the time recursion is bad.
and the other half, recursion is terrible.
Yes. Now, obviously, if yesterday seems better today, why am i surprised to wake up in the morning with the same feeling exactly the same way i felt last time i woke up?
Why are you surprised? That’s your question?
Yes, it’s not optimism anymore. It's just logic. How can downhill just be downhill? Should i keep driving? It’s nice to coast along with good music, but…. I swear i’ve seen the same sign every mile for the last hour. Destination 1 ½ miles ahead.
Well, you put that there. You thought, you believed, and you pictured it. This is your “logic”. Acting/pretending as if you “deserve” good things. You deserve a crash. Hey! Listen! Where are your eyes?
I looked ahead for a second. See? We’re so close! Destination only 1 ½ miles ahead.
08 january 2018
(this post was inspired by the vocals on early sunsets over monroeville)
As you know, I'm starting school soon. I will stop doing that maybe in a few years. A degree would be nice.
That means a few things. For one, I won't work as much. Hurray! I'll have more time to dedicate to you!
homework and school
and essays I can't write
I don't hope to have enough time for you, because I already know I will
If I have time for trips with friends and make cool spreadsheets, I have enough time to bring back feelings of closeness. How did it feel like to reach around your hips with my right arm and slip my (awkward) left hand under your pillow? How did it feel like to drive you places while you commented on how you never heard the songs I played? I still remember where we left off on Now You See Me 2, but I wouldn’t have guessed it’d stay unwatched for this long. There’s not much we can do about that.
How do you feel? If you miss me, I miss you too. I looked up how to maintain a long distance relationship, but you live 3 miles away. I looked up places to meet you early in the morning or close to night, but you can’t venture far off the usual routine without raising questions. How do you feel? During the ski trip, everybody asked if I was fine. While I sometimes forcefully think about off the cuff comedy during work to keep myself from crying about nonsense, and sometimes can’t seem to listen to MCR without drowning in memories, I feel ok enough. Are you ok?
Whatever I end up doing, I don’t want to leave you alone for too long. I would still like to do homework with you in the JC. McDonald’s will always have coffee and “our spot” is always vacant. For your sake (and mine), I don’t want to leave you alone for too long. I don’t know if your parents will ever forgive me, but I haven’t given up. I feel it’s wrong for me to string you along like this too. I know I’m the hardest person for you to see. I know it’s not everyday that I get to hear your voice. So, where can I go? Where can I to see your eyes? Because, I’ll go. I’ve gone to uncommon places to see you before, and it was worth it every time.
I can’t speak now. My voice is shot still. But when I can, please talk to me. Let me find a place in your schedule and I’ll find you a place in mine. This semester is more stable than the last one. Let’s make use of that.
29 november 2017
"this will work" - Her
I hope there aren't any doubts that
I'll make an effort to make this work
It is so profoundly reassuring
to hear this from you
"this is going to be worth it"
"this will work"
"you make me happy"
I want this to work too
You're pretty much all I look forward to.
Sure, if I focus on the weeks and months ahead, there are some
things that make me excited.
decorating the office (i volunteered to helppp)
Hanging out with gave and kian and tommy and kt and the other
friends that don't need an invitation
because they're always included.
but those are not always present in my mind.
Truth is, up there, it's mostly you.
When I miss you, I miss you lots
And when things get between us, I think how much you miss me
But I'll keep trying. I'm with you and by your side. Always
I feel loved
I feel wanted
This is what happened las morning:
I went to sleep without expecting anything in the morning. Whatever happens, happens. (I'll watch a movie with you anyway) You were (presumably) very tired from the night before (nap? at 5am??) and I would have liked you to sleep as much as possible. I set a catchall 8:20am alarm and closed my eyes. Some dreams after, I land in some place of nebulous conflict. A rather blurry dream that felt like Burgundy and fire; tumultuous and vibrant. There wasn't much substance to it, but the ending was something I probably won't forget. I was close to waking up when I visualize this angelic image. This person surrounded by light. Coming towards me, cutting through all the tension. Without moving my head, I open my eyes. And there I am, looking straight at you as you made your way through my bedroom door. The dream curtains fall, revealing your beautiful image standing right behind it.
"excellent timing ;)" I thought.
what a sight you are
what a feeling you bring me
but how do you feel, my love?
05 november 2017
im looking for the help icon
in real life
something i can hover over to know what the fuck im doing
;for a night planed for JS,
;im laying down thinking too much
bad thoughts are heavier. that's why they snowball so well
after hours of continuous growth
they block the sun
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im difficult like this
29 october 2017
i just wanted you to say good morning
i hope your morning is good,
i cant do much else but try to talk to you
incentive: if you talk to me, you could convince me to get salon bangs (haha)
i fixed my glasses with elmers glue form the office
i couldnt find super glue
it worked for like 2 weeks
but now its comming off
i have a hot gluw gun but thats not even
24 october 2017
i dont have a lot to say that fits all of the following categories
- is something i want to say
- is something that i have words for
- is something that is guaranteeed to make sense
this is the monday that i was dying
i havent taken the sleep pill yet but i really should
im gonna blame the fever for this mood im having
maybe tomorrow my thoughts will turn brighter
,, i feel my eyes watering every time i think about how much i love you
i feel like
the only way is to
put in more effort
i want you
but how can i
but how can i
but how can i
22 september 2017
another night spent at the office
i want to talk to you too
but dreams turn out nicer when you're tired
it's kind of hard to find a random bunny named andrea among a sea of random bunnies
but next time you're here, i'll be sure to remember
i'll be here probably until tomorrow. my room's open; walk in
20 september 2017
it's 6pm right now
if you're still listening
please talk to me
i'll be there today at 10
my mind is thinking terrible things. please tell me you're ok. please tell me you're ok
im waiting for your next feels entry. one that says you're feeling better. when i saw your tilde gone, i thought you'd stop writing here. please talk to me. I'm worried about you.
Andrea, I'm worried
i know that you love me.
i love you too.
this whole day felt so empty without you
my mind was going "if only...", "if only....", "if only..."
if only i could somehow make enough money
to sustain you
so we could both run away
if only i could make this easier on you
if only i could sit next you, and quietly hug you so you stop crying
i dont dare to listen to music
everything somehow relates back to you
i dont want to break down crying at work
there's been enough tears
i love you so much
please don't die
please don't die
i can't see myself living with that much guilt
19 september 2017
I don't know if you're still listening
I never got to say goodbye.
(I would not change a thing.)
11 september 2017
i feel better now
06 september 2017
i'll have a nicer time waking up today knowing that i've made something that will at least make you smile.
miss you <3
04 september 2017
let's think about how this started
i remember talking to you late at night
were we would sometimes complain about random crap
or get caught up discussing something terribly inconsequential
and sometimes you'd fall asleep
and i'd scroll up and re-read some of the texts
back when we used to text, everything stayed on my phone
and i'd go back a few days at a time
and try to pick up on any small detail i missed on the original conversation
juust in case i could show that i remembered,
to impress you
i remember the night i said
i'd much rather go on date you
and you seemed disinterested
and i thought i'd messed it up
but it turned out, it was all a misundestanding
and i laughed at the end because you said you liked me
after dropping the ball with every new text, you come out and say things are alright
i wasn't afraid to get closer after that
and then, one night
you said we should stay friends
then after shedding a tear or two
i thought the best to do was not to force
a relationship that should not happen
i tried to close my eyes, and not think about you
and i failed
you were there in the night, in my dreams, and the following morning
and that morning, i understood
all my heart wanted was to
stay by your side
a few weeks later,
after ice skating
when you said we should remain friends a little longer
i couldn't handle it
and made mistakes
i couldnt bear the thought of losing you
after that night, i knew all i wanted to do is
stay by your side
after i started working
i realized the biggest sacrifice i've made
was the time i couldnt dedicate to you
after long shifts, the reward was always saying goodnight to you
and maybe talk a bit
i know your parents aren't thrilled about us
and i understad that, i really do
if at any time
you feel like i would leave you
if at any time
you think i wont be willing to stay with you
if at any time
you think that i'll "jump"
please remember that
after every single obstacle we've come across
i stayed with you
02 september 2017
first day off in a while
watching the big short, wearing only woodson shorts
eating hit pockets (first time this year)
baking a peach pie (not mango, i lied im blind)
just took a shower and shaved with heavely shavng butter
happy as tommy's turtle
you don't have to come over today today
i'll undestand if you cant make it
but even when i've reached tommy's-turtle-levels of happiness,
seeing you always makes me happier
01 september 2017
after much thinking yesterday, i couldnt really find a way to say everything i wanted to say without using the scary block text format
i cant help but feel a little sad that
everything and the stars are conspiring against us
but i iknow it's NOT your fault
don't stress about it
i'm with you too
09 august 2017
but nature is
E V E R Y T H I N G
06 august 2017
Fear not, dear Andrea, but freely live your days
Though lesser lives should suffer. Such am I,
A lesser life, that what is his of sky
Gladly would give for you, and what of praise.
Step, without trouble, down the sunlit ways.
I that have touched your raiment, am made whole
From all the selfish cankers of man's soul,
And I would see you happy, dear, or die.
Therefore be brave, and therefore, dear, be free;
Try all things resolutely, till the best,
Out of all lesser betters, you shall find;
And I, who have learned greatness from you, I,
Your lover, with a still, contented mind,
See you well anchored in some port of rest.
01 august 2017
double shifts put me in a good mood once i get home somehow. good mood but no drive to play music so that kinda sucks.
my "manager" for the day was this really nice lady
lets name her
(my actual manager)
she's going to mason from Fairfax hs
doing CS out of all things
would you look at that
mainly for the money, she says.
oh well, that/'s fine
i/'ll get paid to debug the dodgy java implementations she writes in the future
back to the cauliflower,
she's trying to find this tonight. again.
maybe she'll find it today
maybe she wont
my face is right there on the ffing page
"narrow it down a little for me"
caulilflower, its ~onyva
24 july 2017
I'ts somewhat late at the moment. It feels like dinner time, but time's closer to breakfast. I like perrier lemon, as it turns out. Lime is a bit too flat.
Je pense que je dois practiquer [cette/cet] langue. A plus, je pre
vois qu'il serait
de me faire compressid a Mme Amaly
Mais, a` partir de cette date, je n'ai qu'un but
M A.R. Gent est le nom. Et son sac a
dos est son tresor
22 july 2017
Am - D - Dm - g
that seems to do it
now, what voice