2 september 2026
It has been a very awful day, the type historically that has always made me withdraw from people for extended periods of time. This was easier back when I was a hikikomori though, so in a way being forced to work has made me more physically tolerant of people, if not mentally. My stomach hurts in a startling way, that makes me think of going to a hospital, although I won't, since it isn't a good idea. Still, maybe I will feel better if I avoid people for a while. I wish there was a way to disappear, not so much in the sense of dying, but more like being a ghost or some other abstract entity, capable of existing and observing without being recognised or observed by others. It is the commonplace feeling of every day existence, but it gets worse in times like these. I am reminded of how much I hate when people praise me or say nice things to me or apologise to me, or anything meant to foster my goodwill. I also resent that these are the types of triggers and boundaries nobody takes seriously, so vocalising them will make people treat you even more poorly. I suppose it cannot be helped that there are entities in the world that are far-divorced enough from cultural norms that there is no real hope of societal assimilation or tolerance. Earlier, I was writing something about the diagnostic system in my story and that reminded me of that. It is the type of difference that consumes many of the alienated and outliers of the world. I suppose I have existed long enough that I am resigned to it, so I can now think things like 'I will just suck it up, because there is nothing I can do about it' even while resenting that that is the case. The only options after all are tolerance or death. I was reviewing Masterson's triadic model for the diagnostic system information I was writing earlier. I always did find it striking that they defined the schizoid personality as the only personality type where both sides of the mental split were negative (in constrast to the other personality continua which had a positive and negative split). The idea of a personality of perpetual misery just seems a little on-the-nose, like something you'd read in a story. I am a very optimistic and resilient person relative to my 'compatriots', so I can believe it. If this is health, what in hell's name is sickness?