2 september 2026
It has been a very awful day, the type historically that has always made me withdraw from people for extended periods of time. This was easier back when I was a hikikomori though, so in a way being forced to work has made me more physically tolerant of people, if not mentally. My stomach hurts in a startling way, that makes me think of going to a hospital, although I won't, since it isn't a good idea. Still, maybe I will feel better if I avoid people for a while. I wish there was a way to disappear, not so much in the sense of dying, but more like being a ghost or some other abstract entity, capable of existing and observing without being recognised or observed by others. It is the commonplace feeling of every day existence, but it gets worse in times like these. I am reminded of how much I hate when people praise me or say nice things to me or apologise to me, or anything meant to foster my goodwill. I also resent that these are the types of triggers and boundaries nobody takes seriously, so vocalising them will make people treat you even more poorly. I suppose it cannot be helped that there are entities in the world that are far-divorced enough from cultural norms that there is no real hope of societal assimilation or tolerance. Earlier, I was writing something about the diagnostic system in my story and that reminded me of that. It is the type of difference that consumes many of the alienated and outliers of the world. I suppose I have existed long enough that I am resigned to it, so I can now think things like 'I will just suck it up, because there is nothing I can do about it' even while resenting that that is the case. The only options after all are tolerance or death. I was reviewing Masterson's triadic model for the diagnostic system information I was writing earlier. I always did find it striking that they defined the schizoid personality as the only personality type where both sides of the mental split were negative (in constrast to the other personality continua which had a positive and negative split). The idea of a personality of perpetual misery just seems a little on-the-nose, like something you'd read in a story. I am a very optimistic and resilient person relative to my 'compatriots', so I can believe it. If this is health, what in hell's name is sickness?
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29 august 2026
I am certain many people appreciate it when it happens to them so I would not directly accuse anybody of malice for it, but one thing I find very annoying about now having a personal website is when people e-mail me with the intention of becoming 'friends' or long-term conversational partners at the very least without having actually read what is on the website, and only having been attracted to some superficial thing on the home page, or some kind of identity commonality. Sometimes people expect me to be interested in speaking with them just because we're like, both artists, or both mentally ill, or something. It's almost bizarre. Call it snobbish and pretentious, but at the same time, if someone took the time to read The Schizoid Personality Disorder Website About Schizoid Personality Disorder, people really shouldn't be surprised that I am wary and unreceptive towards 'cold' messaging. I often find it taxing because there isn't really a good way to express rejection in these situations in a way that doesn't make you seem rude. Ignoring the message is rude, being blatant is rude, being polite is also rude, because you're seen as faking, and the initial boundary that's plastered in the same webpage where contact information is listed where I tell people not to message me unless abc-xyz is treated as the more frivolous notion. A minor nuisance, but a nuisance nonetheless!
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23 august 2026
I have updated my webnobel recently with four chapters at once which leaves only four more chapters until its completion. I also did a new illustration for it.
I remade my Tumblr because after checking out a bajillion websites, I still haven't found a good microblog suitable for what I would like, which is to say, one where I can make both short and long posts and add pictures conveniently. Most serious blogging platforms are structured in a way where it isn't really convenient to add pictures (like Dreamwidth, where you have to embed it through a URL) or are geared for longer, more polished posts. Other microblogs are either for text only, like this one, or have a character limit that I find too restrictive.
FC2 Blog is technically still an option, however. I suppose a part of me also finds FC2's structure too 'formal' for short status updates and work-in-progress snapshots.
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16 august 2026
Progress for today: couldn't find a good calendar widget with editable events yesterday to embed for my website, so I've spent the whole of the past two days working on one myself. It's mostly done; I'm just wondering whether to have a PHP layer added to let the Bakery users edit their own events. I will likely deal with that next week instead. I'll also need to think of some of the fictional holidays in Maldevara to fill it up (since only, like, three characters have canonical birthdays anyway, lol).
Back to work tomorrow... so unmotivated...
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15 august 2026
I have officially implemented Bakery Pages. Today, I was once again browsing through the many different small web communities I am on. Tonight, I'm going to try and read the worldbuilding blog one of the Bakery regulars posted. Quite busy! I will try to decide which of the websites I am on to 'commit' to soon, as I don't want to get some indie-web equivalent of doomscrolling, lol... I didn't get to write this weekend, but I would say it has been a relatively productive day.
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14 august 2026
Working on some major updates to my personal BBS breadavota.cafe/bakery today. Plan on adding a way for users to design their own page in the spirit of indie/old web-ish aesthetics. The users aren't really well-versed in webcrafting so I'll need to write some guides and provide alternative templates or a simple page generator with Markup before fully implementing it.
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13 august 2026
After being here in ~town for a little over a year, I finally got my arse to actually put a homepage up at tilde.town/~rolypolyphonic (although I plan on replacing it eventually, to match the themes of my other tildes at ~club and ~green). I have been in an 'indie web' kick lately and have been looking through a lot of various indie web communities and social media alternatives, and have also considered keeping a casual blog/microblog for miscellaneous thoughts. While I have a blog and microblog on my main website at breadavota.cafe, I feel hesitant to post things there unless I feel it's 'polished' enough for publication. I haven't settled on which of the gajillion of indie websites I am on I should use, but I am trying them out more frequently as of late, and recalled that tildes have the feels blog as an option. I may utilise this more, but we will see how things go.
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