12 april 2022

I guess life is finally asking me whether I want to do this or not. I have long internally complained about not having been given a choice over whether, where and in what society I want to live. I mean, I'm not complaining about being a white male with no obvious or overly relevant disability. But I don't know if I like to be a human. I haven't thought about it enough to come to a conclusion because there is no point in realising that I don't want to be human, when I just am and will stay a human. But anyway, what I have been internally complaining about is that I was made and born at all without having been asked, and that it is predetermined how I should live my life. The first isn't really an issue. It's just theoretically unfair. But now that I already am alive and a relatively healthy animal formed by evolution, I don't want to die. But how I want to live is something I could decide on. I just haven't seriously because life just happened without any decision-making input from me. I'm too slow in making decision. It's so complicated to make decisions, other people or the situation I'm in at the time or whatever it is, usually won't wait for my decision. So now I work a normal full-time job, live in a normal flat in a normal city under normal people. All things that I dislike.

I didn't go to work today. I tried, but I didn't let myself. I can't explain why or how. Neither can the doctors that I went to see. I can't even explain it to myself. I definitely won't be able to explain to my boss why I'm ditching work and not even telling them. I don't think I can come back from this. I might not get fired. But it won't be the same. Especially because this isn't the first time that I'm home "sick" without an explanation or a doctor's note.

So now that I'm in a position in which I feel forced to make a decision, I might consider finally ditching this life and start to live the life I really want. Or at least try. What a fucking scary thought!