~steeph@TTBP

15 july 2024

It's weird how my memory of the reason why I initially decided to use this blog for a short daily entry (or at least try to do so) is now the only thing that connects me to the feelings that drove me to make that decision. I don't remember how life felt. But I remember enough about my life to suspect that I was much more depressed than I realised at the time. (Whatever "more depressed" means.) I had this realisation before. But my estimation of how down I really was seems to grow with the temporal distance to that time. I was not capable of imagining feeling as good as I do on a bad day recently.

And yes, this is the place where I keep getting back to bad feelings if I write something at all. I do have other outlets for more topics.

Overall health status estimation since last entry: -

12 july 2024

I forgave myself my overeating in recent days and I catched up on my workout plans. I want to write a proper journal or diary with daily meaningful entries. But there are many reasons why I don't manage to bring myself to do it. I don't believe anymore that I would maintain my actual diary here. But I do want to continue to write a short, relatively meaningless entry here every now and then as long as I don't have a real diary.

So many things are changing. Recently even in my life again, too. For the better, I hope. I am glad that I am not as depressed and overworked anymore so that I can really give my best to turn these changes into something with a long-lasting good outcome fore myself.

Overall health status estimation since last entry: =

04 july 2024

I ate for four yesterday and am already starting to continue this today. Didn't bring myself to work out at all in the past couple of days. I don't know what's with this week. I'm reading and writing instead of sleeping enough. Usually I feel guilty for not being able to concentrat enough to read anything and I wish I had more mental energy per day so that I could write regularly. It feels good to be able to do both those things. But now I feel guilty for eating too much and the wrong things and for not working out. All of my joints hurt. So do my back and my feet.

Overall health status estimation since last entry: -

02 july 2024

Didn't eat twice as much as recommended for four days in a row, while still completing my daily workout plan. Then overate a lot yesterday and massively overate today instead of working out. And I still feel like I should eat another animal and a kilo of ice cream.

But work is chill this week so far. Catching up in my feedreader a little bit.

Overall health status estimation since last entry: ~-

11 june 2024

Don't take on more stress than necessary. Don't take on more work than even your boss is asking of you. (I'm talking to myself here, btw.) Don't work longer hours than expected. Don't continue working (just one more, or two, or five) after reaching the planned time limit. The limit is there for reasons. You know and have experienced those reasons. Don't work harder than it's good for you. Don't work longer than it's good for you.

Overall health status estimation: -

Alcohol recently: none since yesterday (I'm at work.)

Nicotine: none whatsoever

10 june 2024

It's been so long since I logged in and posted here. Several reasons. But this is not going to be a list. Since I tend to (or at least did so in the past) come here to write negative entries or talk about depression-like feels, the fact that there is months-long gap should be considered a good thing.

Oh, and since I wrote about my regret about not being able to uphold my workout plans: I kept track of the hours that I came short and I am way into the positive deviation from what how much I intended to work out. I also upped the beer consumption in the same period of time where I had the time to add extra workout hours into the days. But that's another issue.

Overall health status estimation: +-0

Alcohol recently: more beer than should

Nicotine: none, seldom vaping (0.0 mg/ml) for fun

I think I will start to change this mask again. Nicotine really isn't an issue in my life anymore.

27 september 2023

I met a doctor today. I didn't consult her in any way about my health. But she deemed it necessary to lecture me kindly about the dangers of overweight, hypertension and their parents caffeine and overeating. I met her unsolicited confrontation with excuses. She didn't seem to be aware that I know how I'm endangering my health and how likely serious complications from heart problems will be in my future if I keep this up as in the last years and at the same time be unable to do anything about it. She called me out on making excuses and, other than every other doctor I talked to before, explained to me what the next steps on the path towards a solution are. I decided to lie that. Having talked to and read from ADHS and otherwise neurodivergent persons and knowing how dificult planning, executive functions and the lie can be, I'm not embarrest that I didn't see that those obviously are the steps to take. But they really were obvious. But layed out as small, ordered steps, I can now take them. Meeting that doctor and talking to her at all was one of the things that I did today only because I recently started to work less. I would not have had the energy for that walk/stroll on which I met her, or to talk to her. I took her advice, but it is very annoying how she talked back at me when I was in just venting mode.

Overall health status estimation: -

Alcohol recently: weekends

Nicotine: none whatsoever

26 september 2023

i have some hope that i may be able to work less from now on. sometimes something happens that gives me that hope and sometimes it even works for a while. it worked last week and it seems to work this week. i feel optimistic again and am enjoying my extra time after work so much! an hour or two more a day is already a huge improvement. but especially so for me since it felt like i had pretty much 0 time left for myself in recent weeks after work, basic chores, calming down nervously and consuming liquids, solids and TV shows for two days each week. even half an hour a week in which i don't feel overloaded, in which my mind is free to do something because i want to do it, in which i can have fun and enjoy living, is worth so much. Today I had several half hours like that in a row.

Overall health status estimation: ~=(-)

Alcohol recently: weekends

Nicotine: none since i… don't even remember when

23 august 2023

Very very very very slowly I'm making progress in putting my plan of working less into action. Extrmeely slowly, possibly not at all. But I'm making very very slow progress in putting my plan of not stressing myself out about physically not being able to work more into action.

Overall health status estimation: ~=

Alcohol recently: Weekends, don't care.

Nicotine: Absolutely none

29 may 2023

I failed.

I didn't just not work out yesterday. I did nothing but sleep, drink beer and eat unhealthy food. On top of that, I didn't even leave the house once or work out for a second. Neither did I anything to maintain the last bit of cleanliness in my house. Nothing good came from yesterday.

And so I'm still a lazi piece of shit with no goals, skills and worthyness. My body is digusting, my physical health alarming, my mental health declining. I hate. Pretty much everything about myself. My fatty boobs. They shouldn't even exist. My… oh what use is there in continuing this hate lsit? Only going to make it worse. I'll get drunk again instead.

28 may 2023

Is it OK that I didn't work out today?

Is it OK that I didn't work out today and won't work out today?

Work out? Exercise? At least take a walk. I guess I won't today.

I have a quota today. And I didn't fulfill my quota last week. So even more than usually I feel the preassure from my own schedule.

I shouldn't work out today. Because I don't feel like it.

I allow myself to not work out today.

I don't agree with myself. But if I say it's OK to not work out today, I guess I have to accept that I won't.

I won't.

It's OK.

27 may 2023

I don't know what I would do without alcohol. This may be just a phrase, but I really have no idea what I would do right now if getting drunk wouldn't be an option. Maybe I would cope by getting things done that I want or need to get done. Maybe I would sleep. Maybe I would go outside and be somewhere where I wouldn't feel the routine. Maybe I would be hurting myself. I don't know. But it feels quite obvious to be that I would be suffering somehow. From aspects of my life that I can't stand to think of, from remembering certain moments where I felt treated unfairly, from feeling everything that makes my life what it is instead of dulling the pain that makes me the repulsive me that I am when I'm sober. Another beer. Good.

22 may 2023

CW: Sexual language, masturbation.

I miss how horny I used to get. Even just 5 years ago or so I just got horny if I didn't do anything about it for a while. And doing something about it feld great if I didn't do it all the time. But back then I already thought how nice it was when I didn't have to either build up my libido or be with somebody really special in order to have a great cum. But when I think back 10 years more, I remember even then I missed how fucking horny I used to get as a teenager. Not only culd I jack off every other day and it was fun. It was a much more amazing feeling. I used to get so horny nobody had t touch my private parts in order to make me cum so hard I couldn't control any of my muscles except my heart. And I used to really shoot when I had a good orgasm. It's hard to accept that none of that will come back. I will likely never again have orgasms like I used to. But it's even harder to ontinue the thought and expect that that trend will continue and in a few years I will think back fondly of the time right now, where I could actually build up the horniness enough to be able to jack off half-heartedly every other month as long as I excercised regularly and watched what I ate.

Overall health status estimation: (+)

Alcohol recently: lots on the weekends

Nicotine: none (but sometimes vaping with 0.0 mg/ml)

13 march 2023

Isn't it weird how easy it sometimes it to get ones ass up and stuff done? It feels like if it would always be like the last couple of weeks, life would be a lot easier. I'd slowly but continuesly loose weight because I'd be active everyday and I'd be motivated to not eat (so many) sweets. I'd get things done before they become an even bigger thing on my todo list and in times where I wouldn't have too much work from my employer I'd even make progress on some hbby projects.

Overall health status estimation: +

Alcohol recently: lots of beer on the weekends. meh.

Nicotine: none, but vaping (0.0 mg/ml)

26 january 2023

I feel like I'm not meeting the standards of what I should be achieving at any given moment in time. I usually do. Not always. But when I don't feel that way, I don't really notice that I'm feeling fine. Most of the time though, I feel like I should get so much more done that what I am getting done. Right now I have a week off. And I really need more time for myself and to relax. There is nothing that I have to get done this week, really. But there are a lot of things that I could do if I had more time beside my job and eventually want to do when I do find the time. And all of those things weigh on my mood most of my free time. I'm renovating a house. A house that needs a lot of renovating. Inclluding a new foundation. That level of "renovating". So there would be a lot that I thoretically could do if I did have more free time and wouldn't feel the requirement to just do fucking nothing for a few days ("nothing" meaning surfing the web, watching TV shows, eating whenever I want whatever I want). I keep thinking: I deserve a few days of nothing between stressful weeks at work. And I even am getting small tasks done whenever I feel like doing them. But not nearly as much as I would have to get done in order to make me feel that I'm even getting even a fifth of the minimum done of what I consider a normal amount of things to get done in a day. And I'm talking about a whole week. So, I don't meet my own arbitrary standards of getting things done. And I'm aware I used the word normal. Why would that even be a good standard. And what even is normal? I shouldn't fret. I shouldn't agonise over this. It's OK to not work hard for 8 hours a day when I have a week off for the purpose of recovering/relaxing from work.

Overall health status estimation: - (meh)

Alcohol recently: Beeeeeer. No, yeah, I drink again. It could be worse. But yes, I do drink again.

Nicotine: Umm, nothing. Not even vaping with 0.0 mg/ml. The entire week. That could be considered a new milestone (that I didn't even have on my radar). But I don't feel the positivity.

10 january 2023

I came to accept many things of which I hoped I would never be able to accept them. Over the years I became "reasonable" and adopted the "adult" way of thinking in so many things. I resent myself for that. But one thing that I can still hope that I will never accept is that it's kind of normal to expect impossible things from others. I'm expected to keep the speed limit and always go at least 5 over the speed limit. I'm expected to do the work that I'm assigned by my employer and to not work more overtime than law allows. I'm expected to rest after work, do something for fun from time to time, connect with people, sleep wnough, work out, etc. which wouold take at least 30 hours a day. I'm expected to eat healthy and lose weight. That is fucking impossible when always living between two burnouts.

Overall health status estimation: --

Alcohol recently: lots of beer

Nicotine: none but vaping

03 january 2023

Last summer I picked a book that I want to read next and put it on a table that I sit at frequently in order to make it that fucking easy to start to read again and to create a frequent reminder. It didn't work. Well, I was reminded frequently of the fact that I can't manage to gather enough brain cells to start to read again. Now I put the book in my travelling bag. It's with me now. But I have to wake up properly first, then get ready for work. The book still looks interesting. It has ~320 pages. Maybe I'll try to read a page a day. And because I'll probably usualy read more than one in one sitting once I've started, I could finish the book this year, which would make the number of books that I've read this year larger than it was last year.

Overall health status estimation: =

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 mg/ml (so, no nicotine)

02 january 2023

Things are injust. My problem is: I started to mind a few years ago. I'm not going to become a superhero or a terrorist. So my challange is to accept that I can't control other people's behaviour. That shouldn't be hard to accept.

Overall health status estimation: -

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.1 mg/ml

11 december 2022

I don't like that I've become someone who perceives new things as uncomfortable before knowing anything about them. I've heard before that new things scare old people. I wouldn't say I'm scared of new things (But how would I know?) but I don't like to get used to new things and I really dislike being forced to use new things. Maybe I'm sometimes a bit scared of being forced to get used to new ways of doing things. I don't want to have to install a closed source app on my phone for a single purpose when it's been possibel to do the same thing without an app before. Maybe that's not new. But I do notice that I feel a little repelled by new things that I'd expect myself to love to try out. It's just getting all too much.

Overall health status estimation: --

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 mg/ml

02 december 2022

I feel like all I do is a waste of efforts. When I try to lose weight, live more healthy, do something good for somebody else, there is so fucking little I can bring myself to do that it doesn't matter at all. But I spend day after day, week after week, month after month, year after yeah generating effort to put in, hoping to achieve something but don't. Why do I even try? I put in effort every single fucking day for a year, and weigh more than I did before. I'm disgusted by my body every single moment I'm not distracted by something even worse. I hate how it feels when one fat flap rolls over another. I know I should loose them. I can't. I'm sorry but I really can't. It is an impossibility to not eat 5000 to 8000 kcal a day without suffering. And I don't want to suffer for every single day of the rest of my life!

Overall health status estimation: ---

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.1 mg/ml

21 november 2022

Deteriorating mental health of my mother after many years of no professional help. I think I've probably made it werse almost every time I talked to her in the last few years, and definitely every time I didn't. She did a lot to try to make me hate her. She eventually succeeded, in a way. But everybody always saw me obligated to improve my attitude towards her. I may have failed enormously at valuing her. But I honestly don't know how I could have done more. Now she is missing, may have tried to kill herself again, but this time with no friends around, may have succeeded and definitely is in emotional pain if not. But hasn't she been for years? I feel guitly. Much more than usual.

Overall health status estimation: --

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: some vaping, 0.0 mg/ml

23 september 2022

I didn't smoke for ~12 months. I still feel like crap when I can't resist a piece of cake (and by piece I mean at least four pieces).

I didn't drink any alcohol for ~11 months. I still feel miserable when I eat four times the recommended amount of a meal.

My nicotine consumption is so low - and has been for months now - that I won't surprise anybody if I stopped it altogether for the rest of my life. But I still feel like shit when I throw away rotting apples after I bought and ate half a kilogram of chocolate almost every day for weeks.

Overall I lost 15 kg of fat over the last few years. But I still feel disgusting when see myself in the mirror inside the lift that I tooḱ to go down two levels instead of taking the stairs.

Will this ever change?

Overall health status estimation: -

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 mg/ml

22 september 2022

I don't like that I've become a person who comments/replies in a threads that I haven't fully read. I'm not completely lost to this one yet. I'll try to better myself in this regard. But I've always been a person who replies in threads in which I have nothing to say about the topic if I can and I'm in a good mood. So replying without finishing reading might be just an extension of that.

Overall health status estimation: ~=

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 mg/ml

19 september 2022

I don't like that I have become somebody who uses the Send button without using the Preview button first when posting on a phpBB (or similar) board.

Overall health status estimation: ~-

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.1 mg/ml

13 september 2022

This feels blog seems to have become where I direct my negative feels. That wasn't intentionanal. Using it for things that I don't want to post on other sites was intentional. But that decision resulted in this blog becomeing quite depressive. (I think. I don't usually read the entries again after I write them.) Sorry about that. I'm not ctually that depressed most of the time.

Overall health status estimation: ~=

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.1 mg/ml

20 august 2022

One thing I don't like about my relationship with my mother is that whenever I try to explain to a friend how her malicious attempts at manipulating me or otherwise meddling in my private affairs, they take her side. Either they are a parent themselves and have lost the ability to imagine that somebody needs privacy from their parents, or they have a good relationship with their parents and can't imagine how it is to be abused by the only person in your life that you trust, the person you depend on while growing up. People don't believe that my mother intentionally acts in ways she thinks will hurt me most, that she is actively trying to drive me insane. People don't believe that her life is to a large degree fulfilled by trying to make people suffer because she belives that Jesus loves suffering. I hate this person more than I thought I could hate anything. I will be glas when she finally dies and leaves me alone! I passively with that it will happen as soon as possible. Some people tell me that I will, when I'm older, regret treating her the way I treat her now. But all I try is to not treat her, or even think of her, at all. I wouldn't have to tell her to leave me alone if she wouldn't start new attempts at invading my privacy all the time. So what am I supposed to do until I supposedly suddenly start understanding her? Live the life she imagined for me regardless of how much I suffer? I refuse! If my life will have had a purpose at all in the end, it will have been to at least have a good time once in a while. I refuse to let her take the outlook away from me.

Overall health status estimation: -

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

14 august 2022

I don't like that I have become one of those persons who sees that, and how, there is a connection between (romatic) love and sex (sexual desire). I used to not understand why people always mix those two things up, sometimes equating the two. A lot of people, if not all, seemed to assume that being in love with somebody also meant having some sort of sexual interest in them. (In the case of males usually wanting to have intercourse with the one they said they are in love with.) It always seemed to me that these people didn't really know how you can really love somebody whithout wanting (often even expecting) some gratification from them. When I fell in love in my 20s, there was no bridge between those feelings and my sexual feeling (desires, urges, needs). I wasn't asexual. The two things just weren't automatically connected. This has changes since then. I feel that this realisation was the destruction of a large chunk of my innocence in a way. A sort of innocence humankind would do good to preserve and encourage in itself.

Overall health status estimation: +

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

09 august 2022

I don't like that I became a person who sometimes harbours spite. I don't usually say this because I expect this to sound conceitet. But now that it's no longer true, I might as well say it: I used to genuinly not understand how it is possible that people have malice or vicious feelings for others and not immedietly identify them as such and let them go. I understood, logically, that people can't help it and might act on those feelings under certain circumstances. But I couldn't understand how it's possible that they don't do it deliberately in order to be bad. I don't believe in the concept of bad people and people who do things that are considered bad by them or others don't usually do those things in order to be worse of a person. So why do people hate? It makes no sense! I have had experiences now that put me over the line on the side of people who hate some things and have not only had thoughts of malice but even acted on them when under stress and provoked. And I look on the other side of that line and see nobody, like everybody I ever talked about this apparently always did. I have an idea of how I could turn this into empathy and maybe even help to spread empathy by understanding some of the concepts of malicious thoughts a bit better. But that would be a big, long and emotional project.

Overall health status estimation: (~)+

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

08 august 2022

I don't like that I became a person who sometimes does not respond to e-mails because I don't have the time and a response is not necessary to get what I wanted from my corrospondent. Until a few years ago I had the principle to never ignore a message as long as it would at least make sense to reply with a closing "thanks again" or "see you there" or something. I mean, I still have this principle. But I ignore it too often for my taste.

Overall health status estimation: ~+

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

06 august 2022

It feels like life could be really good and occasionally fun and rich of interesting lessons and full of different necessary but non-overexerting things and form an overall worthwhile amalgamation of experiences if I'd work less. But I almost only feel that when I have at least a week off. I should really get onto making my life less stressful. In a way I already am on it. Meh… a very slow process.

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: ~=

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

05 august 2022

So, the first half of my first week off is over. I've been the minimum amount of busy. Getting basic things done that I should have gotton done all the time besides work but didn't. I started - just a little bit - to clean the flat. I have a few other things planned that I want to catch up on. And at the end of my time off I'll probably feel like I did nothing all day every day except sleeping in. But what can I do, I need the rest.

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: ~+

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

02 august 2022

This entry stands for 2022-07-26 till 2022-08-02. Well, I guess I'm not trying hard enough to keep this up as a daily thing. There are two reasons for me to skip my daily entry: Either I don't have the time between work and recovering from work, or I'm not depressed enough and don't have time between actual activities (and work). It's been both, in that order, since my last entry here.

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: ++

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.1 mg/ml

25 july 2022

Since my GP doesn't think all my symptoms of stress justify a time off work while also looking for other causes, I started to look for a new doctor. But everbody already has enough patients and I'm too honest to lie about already having a doctor in the area. So nobody will see me. Maybe if I'll go to a doctor whom I'll have to pay myself I'll get better help. But it's not like I have too much money. If I did, I'd just not go to work and see how long I can stay away unpayed before they (threaten to) fire me. I've decided to work as much as I can this week. I'll probably go to work late today. But I don't know if I can last till Friday. I really should look for a different job also. There's so much I should do but don't have to time and/or energy to do. At least I started writing here again every other day.

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: -

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

24 july 2022

It's already Sunday and it's even almost over. It feels like I just came home from work an hour ago an I still need days of rest before I can fully function again. I didn't do anything today and I don't think I did anything yesterday. (I think I'd remember.) It's so much work to move. It hurts when I move too much. I really need more rest. I can't really ditch work next week though. I don't know what to do yet.

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: ~=

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.1 mg/ml

23 july 2022

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: ~=

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.1 mg/ml

21 july 2022

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: -

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.1 mg/ml

20 july 2022

Trying to be the person who handles a conflict better, trying to reason in moments where the other person has made reasonable points, trying to give in as much as possible in order to soothe him, trying this and that. Today all this produced was a colleague who now not only complains to me about every little and often made-up problem, but also talks shit about me behind my back to other colleagues. I decided to be done with work for today (and really have finished everything important for today). But I can't forget how unfair he was when I tried to talk him him instead of letting him ramble at me, which was unfair, too. Can't not try to think of a better way to have handled our interactions today. Should sleep now. Can't not be awake and think of things I could have said to him to calm him down, to see another side, or at least to actually fucking say what his problem is. If I knew why he was so upset about everything, even the positive things, then I could say or do something expedient for sure. But the things he does bring up as being a problem really aren't, or at least I can't see how they could be to him or me or anyone else. I think he must be upset about something else. Sometimes he mumbled something in a hateful voice. I don't understand. I don't know. What is his problem? He doesn't say. Apparently it's my fault,whatever it is. But it seems to also be my fault that I don't know what it is. Maybe I really did something to set him off and now he can't stand to work with me. Maybe he just enjoys being unfair in communicating with others. (I doubt that.) Maybe it has nothing to do with me. But why won't he at least tell me that. I don't know. Don't know how to stop thinking about it. I hope this will only ruin my evening and maybe my night but not continue tomorrow. But I'm sure he'll call some other colleagues, too and tell them how bad I am at my job and at being a humand and whatever. I don't know.

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: ~=

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.1 mg/ml

19 july 2022

Looks like I didn't write an entry every day for a while. This one stands for 2022-07-05 till 2022-07-19.

I didn't last 8 hours at work today. It's hard to lift my arm, moving hurts, especially my arms. I'm done with work, so done. Not really though. The things that I didn't finish today I'll have to do tomorrow or the day after that. I don't know if I can last another 1.5 weeks till my week off. I may just leave before the end of the week. But however confused I may appear (and be) all day, I didn't confuse an alcohol containing liquid for a drink and I haven't for months now. I also didn't touch a cigarette and didn't raise the nicotine in my eliquid. So, enough reason to be proud, I guess.

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: ~+

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.1 mg/ml

04 july 2022

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation:

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

03 july 2022

Tinn eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee tus. Welcome back!

I finished a monotonues but necessary task today that I've been avoiding for months. I also cleaned the dishes, including those from last week. I did the minimum of paperwork that wanted to be done for work. I got almost 10 minutes of workout. I got some assumably healthy sleep. I managed to get more things done today than on many other days. But the list of things I should have done and finished today is so much, so incredibly much longer, that it doesn't matter what I did manage to do this weekend. And honestly, it's a bit pathetic anyway that writing down a couple of numbers, washing the dishes and filling out a few forms that I should have finished on Friday counts as getting things done in a day of my life.

And on top of that, it isn't even true. I wrote the above too soon. The dishes aren't finished, the monotonous task isn't finished and I had less than 6 minutes of excercise. I ate way too much, slept too much, I was too scared to leave the house, I didn't manage to clean any little part of the flat, I didn't even wash myself for days because it feels like that would take way too much energy.

This has been my life for months now, with more positive days inbetween. The outlook gets less and less good. I'm about to loose my flat and I still didn't find a replacement despite looking for over a year.

I started this entry to make myself see the positive things of today. But it's even harder to see now than before.

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: ~-

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

PS: BUT, at least I didn't drink any alcohol despite wanting to since a certain encounter that happened yesterday and that I wish I could forget since.

02 july 2022

(cont. from yesterday) Yesterday I was mounting a machine together with a customer when a small child came up and asked what we were doing there. I didn't want to anser because it feld weird. We weren't introduced properly, he interrupted our conversation, he was a small child, I wasn't, it was none of his business what we were doing there and on top of that it was visually obvious what we were doing there. So it was a stupid question. The guy I was with ignored the child and it felt right to me to do the same. That's so cunty of both of us. It must be so frustrating to be treated like this by others. I know it is. And I don't think I have an excuse for behaving like this. Except if being over 35 is an excuse. But it isn't according to what I believe. So …

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: ~+

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: a bit much vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

01 july 2022

Up until my early 30 I liked about myself that I never started to understand how grown-ups think in some regards. I guess some thought processes and behaviours I didn't understand I didn't not understand because I wasn't old enough. But in recent years, I disappointed myseld by understanding some things. I became "one of them" in so many ways... I couldn't make a list without writing a book to explain it. One of those things I never understand was why grown-ups ignore childrens wishes, feelings or ignore them alltogether. I noticed I do it instinctively, too, now.

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: ~(-)

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

30 june 2022

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: =

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

29 june 2022

New colleage. It's fun to show people something that you can do better than them if they want to learn it. It's fun to tell people things that they don't know and they're listening. I have to check myself every now and then, though, to make sure I'm not overdoing it. Today seems to have gone alright-ish.

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: ~=

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

28 june 2022

I want to make a list of health issues that I have right now or on a regular basis. Then I could get a good overview and decide to invest effort and time into managing one or even getting rid of one if possible. I want to make this list when I'm in a good mood so I can be more practical and less winey about it. But I don't want to affect my good mood and possible turn it less good by dragging my thoughts down into a place of negativity. So I'm again not making this list right now. Maybe I will in the neart future.

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: +

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

27 june 2022

Sometimes I think that I could achieve much if I didn't have to work full time. I would start and finish so many projects that I don't have the time for right now. Realistically I would mainly start more projects and I would work longer on started projects. Finishing them isn't really my thing. But I would volunteer for so many things. Or so I think. The times where I would create subtitles for a documentary, help research something, research something just because it's interesting and then write about it, create web applications, social networks and other web sites for non-profit projects or nice people, translate a book because I like it, read books in the first place, help design reserarch studies, and so on, are apparently over. And when I think wh that is, what has changed, I immedietly think of my full-time job as an explanation. Or is it an excuse? Or just something that I use as an explanation before myself so that I don't feel like I have to look for the real reason? Or is this just me getting older and my brain changing? Or my bad diet? Or a combination of those things? Or other things? Or am I just imagining it or perceiving it wrong because memories from the past always appear like things were better back then? No, it really seems obvious to me that working 8 to 14 hours a day destrois all the fun that people say life gives them. I should sleep now. But I haven't even relaxed properly after getting off work.

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: +

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

26 june 2022

Health ~~points~~ overall status estimation: +

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

25 june 2022

I thought of picking up writing an entry here every day for the sake of it. Thought about it every other day recently. That was and still is my intention. I finally did create this entry (let's hope it will become a habit again) after reafing this entry in Herman's blog. I wonder why it doesn't mean more to me to do this. Or maybe it does mean enough to me but I lack the energy to actually do it, for other reasons. Anyway, I'm not going to describe my days here. That's not the intention.

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

24 june 2022

Looks like I didn't write an entry every day for a while. This one stands for 2022-06-07 till 2022-06-24.

Health points yesterday: Varying, more or less ~0

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

I kind of refrain from omitting the nicotine from my e-liquids. I still sometimes remember smoking a cigarette positively and feel like lighting one. But one or two drags at 30 W always eliminate that feeling. I fear that it might not if absolutely no nicotine would be in the liquid. I'm putting off that next step for a while. It doesn't feel necessary right now.

06 june 2022

Health points yesterday: +8

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: not really vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

05 june 2022

Health points yesterday: +4

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 mg/ml

04 june 2022

Health points yesterday: -4

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 - 0.2 mg/ml

03 june 2022

Health points yesterday: +50

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: not that heavy vaping, 0 - 0.2 mg/ml

02 june 2022

Health points yesterday: +35

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0.1 - 0.2 mg/ml

01 june 2022

Health points yesterday: +136

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0.2 mg/ml

31 may 2022

Health points yesterday: -130

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0.2 mg/ml

30 may 2022

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0.2 mg/ml

29 may 2022

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0.1 - 0.2 mg/ml

28 may 2022

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0.1 - 0.2 mg/ml

27 may 2022

I noticed that I don't remember how I felt during the happy time of my life. There was a period in my life during which I lived with somebody I loved</small></small> and made many, many experiences that I look fondly back on. I suspected back then that this time would remain to be the summit of my life on an overall happyness diagram of my life. And that's the place those memories still occupy in my mind today. There are certain things that bring me back emotionally to certain memories. But so many things that happened and probably formed me I don't feel anymore when I remember then. 10 or so years ago I rhought I ought to write a book or something. At least write down how I felt and what happened to me emotionally because there's no way it's possible to live with those emotions for very long. The emotioned faded, as I expected. And today I notices that some of them are almost gone. Maybe some are completely gone and have been for a while. I wouldn't know, after all. Not reationally, but emotionally that fact takes away a portion of my life's purpose.

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: not that heavy vaping, 0.1 - 0.2 mg/ml

26 may 2022

Losing weight is so fucking impossible. I feel more and more disgusted by my body every month. And chocolate is the only thing that keeps me sane in these episodes. Counterproductive much?

Health points yesterday: - a fucking million or something

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: not that heavy vaping, 0.1 - 0.2 mg/ml

25 may 2022

If only I could keep a copy or a clear image of the motivation that I sometimes feel. If I could properly remember the clear-minded positive outlook on the future, I might actually loose some weight.

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none, but I'm scared this may change in the summer.

Nicotine: not that heavy vaping, 0.1 - 0.2 mg/ml

24 may 2022

I think if I knew for certain that I have no responsibility towards my mother, because I didn't choose her to bring me up, I'd lead a very different life. Sometimes I feel like she manipulates me into staying in a life I can never become happy with, by reminding me how devastated she was when I tried to move out once. And it feels like those times are the once time where I'm honest to myself. I live for my company and my mother. And I won't change that because the latter one will probably kill herself after a couple of weeks if she didn't know where I was.

Health points yesterday: ? (I'm not even recording these any more. But it is a sensible assumption that those points are in the negative on days on which I didn't bother to record them.)

Alcohol so far: none, but it's getting summer.

Nicotine: not that heavy vaping, 0.1 - 0.2 mg/ml

23 may 2022

Can't sleep, don't want to be awake. I don't want to be awake. I want to stop being awake. I'm powerless against being awake.

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0 - 0.2 mg/ml

22 may 2022

Ich bin so oft davon überrascht, wie fest manche Fahrradfahrer augenscheinlich damit rechnen, dass man beim Abbiegen nicht auf den Radweg schaut, in Kurven ohne Abstand überholt oder ihnen die Vorfahrt nimmt, dass ich schon manchmal davon überrascht bin, dass es mich immer noch überraschen kann. Aber mir sind auch schon solche Fehler passiert. Das kann man als Autofahrer leicht vergessen. Die eigene Unversehrtheit/das eigene Leben ist dabei ja nicht so bedroht. Ups, das war Deutsch.

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0 - 0.15 mg/ml

21 may 2022

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0 - 0.1 mg/ml

20 may 2022

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0 - 0,15 mg/ml

19 may 2022

I should be proud that I didn't smoke a cigarette for over 6 months and glad that I hardly feel the urge to even think positively of them. But instead I feel how ridiculously hard it is to loose weight. It's so inconceivable for me that I could stay at it for more than a few weeks that the thought of it sometimes resembles the fact of an impossibility. Being more and more disgusted by my body is my only driver. Not a motivating one or one that otherwise elicits good feelings or hope.

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0 - 0.15 mg/ml

18 may 2022

I can't stand being downvoted on Reddit for a legitimate comment. A stupid joke or a possibly controversial opinion are one thing. And getting one downvote shortly after posting absolutely anything is also pretty normal in some subreddits. But investing time in a good answer to OPs question and getting -1 minutes later feels so absurdly crushing some times (today) that I want to delete all my posts and the entire account and never attempt to communicate with anybody on Reddit ever again. Sometimes I do delete a few posts even if I find them helpful. If the get below 0, I must be wrong in the reader's view. Sometimes I delete my account. And sometimes I don't come back for weeks. But I haven't ever stayed away forever so far.

I deleted my stupid little Reddit account again today.

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0 - 0.15 mg/ml

17 may 2022

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.15 mg/ml

16 may 2022

Even more rona than yesterday.

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.15 mg/ml

15 may 2022

rona

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.15 mg/ml

14 may 2022

Health points yesterday: ?

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0.15 - 0.2 mg/ml

13 may 2022

Health points yesterday: -292

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0 - 0.2 mg/ml

12 may 2022

Health points yesterday: -6

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0 - 0.2 mg/ml

11 may 2022

Health points yesterday: +66

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.2 mg/ml

10 may 2022

Health points yesterday: +60

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.2 mg/ml

09 may 2022

Health points yesterday: +34

Alcohol so far:

Nicotine: heavy vaping

08 may 2022

Health points yesterday: +17

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.2 - 0.3 mg/ml

07 may 2022

Hours into this day, no tinnitus. Feels good! Must be the first time in months.

Health points yesterday: 63

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.2 mg/ml

06 may 2022

I have become someone I didn't want to become in more ways than I hoped I'd have to notice. I long knew that there is a risc that I'll acquire personaly traits, customs and general grown-up features in behaviour if I live way past 30. But it feels sort of gross to actually be there. I didn't anticipare that. Well, at least I can't honestly say that I believe that child-me would hate today's me, because I didn't hate back then. But he wouldn't want to be or become me, either.

Health points yesterday: 209

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.2 - 0.3 mg/ml

05 may 2022

Really missing someone!

Health points yesterday: 35

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0 - 0.3 mg/ml

04 may 2022

Missing someone.

Health points yesterday: 111

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

03 may 2022

Health points yesterday: 227

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

02 may 2022

Health points yesterday: 47

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

01 may 2022

Health points yesterday: 71

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: less heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

30 april 2022

Health points yesterday: 158

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

29 april 2022

Health points yesterday: 148

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

28 april 2022

Health points yesterday: 136

Alcohol so far:

Nicotine: heavy vaping

27 april 2022

Health points yesterday: 28

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.2 - 0.3 mg/ml

26 april 2022

Health points yesterday: 220

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

25 april 2022

Back in the machine, making money for my boss, my bosses boss and the investors.

Health points yesterday: 37

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: not that heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

24 april 2022

Health points yesterday: 62

Alcohol so far: none. It might seem like there is no point in repeating this line daily. Sometimes I feel so. But I think it

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.2 - 0.3 mg/ml

23 april 2022

I feel like I should write down how I feel today. But I feel like I'm inept to express them in words or any other language. I get out of a relatively deep down this week that lasted for about two weeks. I saw the sense in keeping the life I have right now again and chose to stay in this society for a while longer. But today I really feel that that decision makes sense, that life on this path can be beautiful even for me. And I feel like I should preserve as much of these feelings to remember on days on which I don't feel the same. I don't really know how, though. Other than trying to describe them here. No useful words or phrases come to mind. And honestly, I do think that this one is the irrational, skewed perception of the world. But it's the one that feels better.

Health points yesterday: 226

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0 - 0.3 mg/ml

22 april 2022

What am I doing?

Health points yesterday: 113

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.2 - 0.3 mg/ml

21 april 2022

Since months I keep having little revelations - like realisations about how to act in difficult situations, about what's important in life, who I am, things like that - and when I put them into words, I end up with a sentence that's either a classic truism or a maxim that's been repeated so much that it feels like an idiotically obvious things to know and live by. It's embarrasing what I learned about my life today. So I'm not going to say it.

Health points yesterday: 2

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

20 april 2022

Dream Bit: There are "Hawaii" retrofit packs for pizzas in this supermarket. Their pizza carton shaped carton contains 12 pieces of frozen pineapple for putting on your frozen pizza.

Health points yesterday: 239

Alcohol so far: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.2 - 0.3 mg/ml

19 april 2022

Maybe I'll start a new third daily datum here.

Health points yesterday: 0

Alcohol: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

18 april 2022

I really, really need to loose weight (a lot of it) to keep some of my health in the coming years. But I can't while working full time in a job that exhausts me. And even if I could find the strength to do it beside my job, dieting and working out would be the main purpose in my life. I don't like that option. I need to quit always is the outcome when I think about that problem.

Alcohol: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

17 april 2022

Got a used exercise bike today because I felt like my body (and my life together with it) might improve if I actually tried. Now I just have to repair it. Should be simpler than making the one that I already had quiet enough to let me use it on any time of any day.

Alcohol: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

16 april 2022

Well, I didn't do nothing today. But it feels like I've wasted 24 hours and it's not even 22:00.

Alcohol: none but I thought about rules I could give myself to start again.

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

15 april 2022

Woops, a day went by. I hardly noticed. Did nothing.

Alcohol: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.2 - 0.3 mg/ml

14 april 2022

Slacking this week. Thinking about having a mental breakdown, whatever that means. Or having one. I'm not sure. I need some time off work. But I'm not going to get it unless I quit or go on an illegal strike.

Alcohol: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.2 - 0.3 mg/ml

13 april 2022

I think my brain is broken. Sometimes I struggle to understand what's happening around me, even when there is clearly nothing happening around me. I'm used to not understanding my thoughts or other people's words and actions. But today something is different. The hospital wanted to keep me there for survaillance but I went home anyway. I don't think I'm in any danger. I just have to get used to things being different. When people told me last year that I had a burnout, it was similar. Everything seemed different but not at the same time. But either I got used to it or it slowly changed back. I still don't know if I even want to go back to work when nothing changes.

Alcohol: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

12 april 2022

I guess life is finally asking me whether I want to do this or not. I have long internally complained about not having been given a choice over whether, where and in what society I want to live. I mean, I'm not complaining about being a white male with no obvious or overly relevant disability. But I don't know if I like to be a human. I haven't thought about it enough to come to a conclusion because there is no point in realising that I don't want to be human, when I just am and will stay a human. But anyway, what I have been internally complaining about is that I was made and born at all without having been asked, and that it is predetermined how I should live my life. The first isn't really an issue. It's just theoretically unfair. But now that I already am alive and a relatively healthy animal formed by evolution, I don't want to die. But how I want to live is something I could decide on. I just haven't seriously because life just happened without any decision-making input from me. I'm too slow in making decision. It's so complicated to make decisions, other people or the situation I'm in at the time or whatever it is, usually won't wait for my decision. So now I work a normal full-time job, live in a normal flat in a normal city under normal people. All things that I dislike.

I didn't go to work today. I tried, but I didn't let myself. I can't explain why or how. Neither can the doctors that I went to see. I can't even explain it to myself. I definitely won't be able to explain to my boss why I'm ditching work and not even telling them. I don't think I can come back from this. I might not get fired. But it won't be the same. Especially because this isn't the first time that I'm home "sick" without an explanation or a doctor's note.

So now that I'm in a position in which I feel forced to make a decision, I might consider finally ditching this life and start to live the life I really want. Or at least try. What a fucking scary thought!

11 april 2022

Today I left for work about three hours late. I don't know why. I must have been sitting at home and done nothing the whole time. I don't remember exactly. I'm so exhausted. Then I was driving to my first appointment for today, called them to tell them I'm running late, but nobody picked up. I'm so exhausted. I hardly stayed in my lane and I think I was going far below the speed limit, like half or less. And then I arrived home. I don't know when or why I made the decision to drive back home. But I guess it was a better idea than continuing to drive hundreds of km away. I kind of remember intentionally ignoring my GPS for a moment. But most of the ~30 minute drive I can't remember. It feels like I was away far longer. I decided to go to the doctor. It's so exhausting to get up and walk down the stairs. But walking along the road feels normal. The corona test was negative btw. The doctor wasn't in. I was told to come back later. Now I'm sitting at home and everything feels normal except for a feeling of guilt for not going to work today. I still could and should. But I think I won't today and I can't explain to my boss or my doctor why not. I just sent him an email saying I'm sick. Maybe I am. Maybe I lied. I don't know.

10 april 2022

I just learned that people doing comparible work to what I do get 32 - 40 % more money for it. That sounds like I should act on that new knowledge. But there are things about my current job that I like and I don't know whether it will be the same wherever I'll land.

Alcohol: None. It is a day on which I miss drinking myself calm, though.

Nicotine: Heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml. I think I'll stay at 0.3 for awhile. I still want to smoke a cigarette if I don't vape for an hour. That doesn't feel like it's working as intended. But I remember the urge being far stronger at the beginning.

09 april 2022

It's just too much. I have to reduce my expectations of myself even further as long as my paying job is that stressful. I hardly do anything on the weekends as it is. Watch YouTube and one or two movies, write a few dozen lines of code at best (sometimes none), minimum maintenance of the flat and eat. I have even less energy to get up from watching any moving pictures today. But the even bigger problem is that it's very unlikely that my job will get any less exausting this year, or next year. I'll get another three days off this months. I need three months.

Alcohol: So far none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

08 april 2022

Tired.

Alcohol: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.2 - 0.3 mg/ml

07 april 2022

One of these days - these days on which I used to start to drink early and not give a shit on the world of responsibilities and wonder for a split second how it is possible for some people to live without regular alcohol before I forgot that thought because I didn't have to care about that - I'll just get up and leave the world of responsibilities to do whatever it pleases - or does without being pleased - without me.

Alcohol: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.2 - 0.3 mg/ml

06 april 2022

Alcohol: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0 - 0.3 mg/ml

05 april 2022

I'm in a good position, really. I have a job that pays a bit more than my flat and food and is actually not that bad compared to others. I have a flat at the moment, I have some money saved, I am still relatively healthy and pretty unimpaired. I don't have any actually big problems like some people. And I'm not that old compared to how old humans become. I could still do anything I like with my life. But I'm not really, because I'm afraid of an uncertain future. That's just one of many many ways in which I have become how i never wanted to become. But it is one which I'd rather change. I don't want to worry about what might be in 10 years. I just want to be free and have fun. But I'm not, as if it wasn't my decision.

Alcohol: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

04 april 2022

That's not a new thought, but: I wanted three weeks off, I only got one, now I feel like I wanted three weeks off but only got one.

Alcohol: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0.3 - 0.5 mg/ml

03 april 2022

Last day before I go back to work. Thankfully there will be a few not too complicated weeks with fixed plans before I'll get another few days off. I hope I can make those weeks into stress-free reminiscences of the time I had mainly fun in this job. I miss that feeling of liking the job that takes the majority of my waking time.

Alcohol: none

Nicotine: relatively heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

02 april 2022

Alcohol: None, declined offer. But I'm in doubt whether I'll be able to keep that up when I start to meet with people more. I want to go to rock concerts and music festicals and other events again. I don't know if I still know how to do this without alcohol.

Nicotine: Relatively heavy vaping, 0 - 0.3 mg/ml

01 april 2022

Alcohol: none

Tobacco: Maybe I'll leave this one out in the future. I have some at home but I don't really feel tempted anymore.

Nicotine: less heavy vaping, 0.3 mg/ml

31 march 2022

Alcohol: declined an offer

Tobacco: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 - 0.4 mg/ml

29 march 2022

Again a real estate agent who didn't think it was necessary to cancel an appointment. Or answer the phone. Or reply to my email. I guess they sold the house. Or not. It doesn't seem to be any of my business.

Alcohol: none

Tobacco: none (but touched a cigarette)

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.3 - 0.4 mg/ml

28 march 2022

I have long been aware of the image that estate agents have. I always assumed that's just prejudice and has only a little root in facts. But since I started making my own experience with them, I understand why people think so little of them. Today I waited in front of a house for an agent with whom I made an appointment about a week ago. She wasn't coming, so I tried to call her. I didn't reach her or her office. But I reached a partner office in another city. They told me they'll try and reach her, too. She called back two minutes later and told me that the house is reserved and she doesn't do any more viewings of the house. I'm mad because I'm not surprised. It seems to be normal for most estate agents to not cancel appointments or even communicate with anybody after it has been decided that they are not likely to win the bid. I really seems like most just block your number and e-mail address once they deem you "not the mamma" and they just expect you to stop trying to contact them after a week or two. Anybody who isn't making it isn't worthy of getting a 10 second reply to an e-mail or a 20 second phone call. At least that's how it appears to me.

Alcohol: none so far

Tobacco: none

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.5 - 0.75 mg/ml

27 march 2022

I'm hitting small milestones, like finishing things I planned for a long time, but it doesn't feel like accomplishments.

I don't think I can do this no alcohol thing for much longer. I only remember the good times I had with it and there is so much wrong with my life that I don't know how else to tolerate. Also it's hard not to drink beer in company of beer drinkers. At least if I'm the only one, really do want a beer if I'm honest and it's like this every time I meet friends. Sometimes I really believe it would be better to give in.

Alcohol: none

Tobacco: none

Nicotine: still heavy vaping, 0.5 - 0.75 mg/ml

26 march 2022

So, there it is, the weekend before my week off. So much time, so much sleep. Not enough time, not good enough sleep. I need more time off. I need at least four weeks more off. There's too much work at work and too little of an excuse to get a sick note. Maybe from a psychiatrist. It feels like an exaggeration to say this. But you're supposed to do something before you're burned out, right? I don't feel almost burned out. I feel lazy and overwhelmed by responsibilities and by society's expectations. I've asked three doctors who talked to me about stress how I could tell whether I have too much stress. None of them answered.

Alcohol: none

Tobacco: thought about it

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.5 mg/ml

25 march 2022

Alcohol: none

Tobacco: thought about it

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.5 mg/ml

Sometimes I feel an urge to smoke a cigarette again. More vaping gets rid of the feeling. But for a while, it's a decision I have to make. Maybe I went down to 0.5 mg/ml too soon. Anyway, it may be a while until I'll reduce it further.

24 march 2022

Alcohol: none

Tobacco: thought about it

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.5 mg/ml

23 march 2022

No internet for 24 hours except for what I needed for week, which wasn't a lot. Dunno why. I didn't miss it. But I'd kind of like to add the following three lines to yesterday's entry as well.

Alcohol: none

Tobacco: None

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.5 mg/ml

22 march 2022

Man, that extra day (and night) of rest this week was really good! I need more free time to stay as sane as I still am. Glad it's not too long until I can finally take a week off.

I woke up before my alarm. Not because I've slept enough. The times I have become lucid in a dream because I was able to blow myself too effortlessly is now three.

I'm still thinking about how and why I want to write things and publish personal things about my life in the first place when I'm actually a really secluded person who values privacy a huge lot. I like writing. But I never finished a book, (hardly even read book nowadays, )never published a short story because I never felt I've touched one up enough. I've started so many blogs on various social media platforms and elsewhere which I never gave enough attention and time to shape into what I had imagined them when I started. I have to accept imperfection more or it will continue this way. I actually felt like writing some sort of memoirs before. Not because I felt like people will want to read my story (well, maybe a bit, yes. But also because) I wanted to get my emotions out. But I didn't and it came just as I expected: I don't remember the pain of my first love quite like I felt it back then; there must have been at least a few things I experienced that I would have wanted to put in but that I don't remember anymore. I know it wouldn't be a perfect (re)presentation of my life experience. So why bother? So, I came to some realisations regarding the previously uncontious reasons of why I'm not writing seriously. It's a composition of reasons and a meddling of distracting thoughts. For many thoughts and memories it would be a huge effort to put them into the right words. This half of one of the reasons I came up with is the one that I declare responsible for letting me stop this entry here. I have to go to work toda.

Alcohol: none

Tobacco: None

Nicotine: heavy vaping, 0.5 mg/ml

21 march 2022

Half a day off today for long planned doctors visits. Both seem to think that I'm relatively healthy but I need to live more healthy to stay healthy. Meh. I need more days off.

I wanted to start some sort of personal online log for a while now. Tried different things including writing by own blogging software. But as soon as somebody whom I know learns about my weblog, I don't want to write personal things in it anymore. So maybe I'll use this. Not anonymous or even using a new nickname. But I'm just not going to tell anyone about it this time. (Really this time.) I don't know why I want to have it online. I tried starting a diary again on my phone, laptop, desktop, paper. But for some reason that's not satisfying me. I think maybe I want to possibility of somebody reading this and finding anything about it interesting. But I don't want to put any more effort into it to make my entries interesting. So there's no point in doing it on a proper website. Maybe that's it.

Alcohol: None

Tobacco: None

Nicotine: Heavy vaping, 0.4 mg/ml

20 march 2022

Feels or memories or ideas or dreams or other thoughts. I plan on not letting the name of this tool restrict what I write here. My weblog isn't really a log. Maybe this here will be more of one.

Alcohol: None

Tobacco: None

Nicotine: Heavy vaping, 0.5 mg/ml

Just sitting at home, no physical activity. I justify this, as every weekend recently, with the number of hours I work each week. I really need to loose weight. But I also need to give me some slack so I can stay a little bit sane. When I tried loosing weight and working full time it did not end up improving my health overall. So, I'm fine with slacking again all day, but not so fine that I wouldn't feel compelled spelling it out.