20 july 2022
Trying to be the person who handles a conflict better, trying to reason in moments where the other person has made reasonable points, trying to give in as much as possible in order to soothe him, trying this and that. Today all this produced was a colleague who now not only complains to me about every little and often made-up problem, but also talks shit about me behind my back to other colleagues. I decided to be done with work for today (and really have finished everything important for today). But I can't forget how unfair he was when I tried to talk him him instead of letting him ramble at me, which was unfair, too. Can't not try to think of a better way to have handled our interactions today. Should sleep now. Can't not be awake and think of things I could have said to him to calm him down, to see another side, or at least to actually fucking say what his problem is. If I knew why he was so upset about everything, even the positive things, then I could say or do something expedient for sure. But the things he does bring up as being a problem really aren't, or at least I can't see how they could be to him or me or anyone else. I think he must be upset about something else. Sometimes he mumbled something in a hateful voice. I don't understand. I don't know. What is his problem? He doesn't say. Apparently it's my fault,whatever it is. But it seems to also be my fault that I don't know what it is. Maybe I really did something to set him off and now he can't stand to work with me. Maybe he just enjoys being unfair in communicating with others. (I doubt that.) Maybe it has nothing to do with me. But why won't he at least tell me that. I don't know. Don't know how to stop thinking about it. I hope this will only ruin my evening and maybe my night but not continue tomorrow. But I'm sure he'll call some other colleagues, too and tell them how bad I am at my job and at being a humand and whatever. I don't know.
Health points overall status estimation: ~=
Alcohol so far: none
Nicotine: vaping, 0 - 0.1 mg/ml