02 march 2017
Lately, I've been finding myself wanting to shout "IMBECILE!" several times throughout the day at work.
And not as a fun, new general expression. No, I want to shout at specific people that they are imbeciles,
shouting it like a villain to his henchman. Thisisn't good right? Like, it doesn't matter whether people
are actual screwups, or whether this feeling that I am continually teaching coworkers what should be basic
lifeskills is actually accurate...it still means I'm angry and unpleasant all the time.
No one likes to hang around the angry dude, who feels he is smarter than anyone else, no matter how justified this is.
So I'm going to work on that.
But yeah, work could be better. One nice part is that I am losing my mind juuuust slightly, which spurs weird creativity. I am having to make videos for a prodcut that isn't released yet, and so they have to be behind a password. I keep making the password 'i am awesome' so that the person about to view the video must first type in a self-affirmation. That just feels good for everyone! And I am making sure our help doc examples have consistent names for the users, with consistent personal details added. This is all for a subtle, long-term plan of hiding a novel into the various help docs across my company.
I remember reading as a teenagerr about an outsider artist who worked as a janitor at some office job, and would draw these highly detailed fantasy worlds on the backs of invoices and corporate memos he'd clean up. And I wondered how someone became like that, how that weirdo painter kept on as a janitor stashing his passion into the closets of his work. I think I understand it now though.
My non-work life goes well enough, though I am not as focused as I'd like. I give so much energy to work stress, and tamping down the constant urge to shout, that my evenings are spent "decompressing" or "relaxing". But relaxation is just the shadow of work, which means the lgith and dark of my day is just work. I don't want that--and am striving so hard to find the right balance.
We have a date now for the next Sleepwalker, which I'm really excited for. L and I now just have to find the right performers, and then I 'll write the music for the show and build up the sites and such. The last show went so well, and combined music and science and comedy in the exact configuration my heart makes. Getting a show up and running is such a stress, but a worthwhile one.
I am also starting up a strategy game night with some cool neighborhood friends, so that's going to be a fun monthly tradition I hope. And I am getting more involved with a beginner's "hacker" club--like we are teaching ourselves linux and infosec stuff and all that, to compete in challenges that are put on monthly. I am so out of my element with this, but all this computer language stuff feels like literal magic to me. I of course want to keep learning about command line prompts, and writing ruby scripts, when it feels like spells I am discovering. But wizards dont' start out as wizards, they start out as bored , saddies shakily saying "smokeus appearus" and watching the wisp of smoke appear. My current computer, and writing, efforts are wisps of smoke. but magic wisps.
Tomorrow I will start the day by writing something competely out of the bounds of work. And I will go outside and breathe the air for as longa as it takes for my brain to wake up, so that my first thoughts are personal thoughts, and my first breath are healthy personal breaths, and with that mindset I will head into work. Then work is just the shadow of my totally incredible, bright day.