30 january 2026
Friday, January 30th, 2026
Tump goes the bombast. It is a general strike across the United States, today. I dreamt Randy gave a lecture on the sizzle over the steak. I also dreamt something odd and poignant. It was an Instagram meme about how the world would be in a far better state if democrats of today were republicans, and republicans of today were just labelled fringe extremists. Isn't that true? My dreams have continued to be vivid and weird but luckily no nightmares about school recently, knock on wood.
I'm sorry for not writing to you as much as I ought to, I have gotten caught up in everything else. I decided to launch a writing school this summer, and I'm really excited about that. I need to catch up on my readings and start developing a reading list and a curriculum. But I've given myself a lot of time. I really care about making sure the pilot cohort feels heard and enjoys the experience. I'm really doing this for the love of the game moreso than money or anything like that. I think I'll probably raise prices for the next cohort if this one goes well.
But, really, I'm tired. I don't know why, but I feel exhausted from nothing. Maybe it's another bout of depression despite the antidepressants. I mean, I feel fine, so maybe it's actually just garden variety laziness. Hard to say.
I've been staying home and focusing on my work, which has been good for me. I have hilariously hurt my hand from twirling my hair so much, being so unused to having it this long. Showering and hair maintenance is work but it feels nice, it's out of that awkward stage.
Flawed Mangoes released a new single called "Horse" and I think it's one of his best so far. I am listening to it right now as I write to you. I've also been watching weekly episodes of the second season of The Pitt as they've come out, but man it feels as though it sucks compared to the first season. I already feel tuned out.
I really don't like how my body feels. My boxers don't really fit me anymore, I feel the fabric stretching when I try to sleep at night. I thought I was fat before, but now I am even more fat. And I really am not taking steps to being more active or healthy despite how I feel. I don't know why. I am able to get myself to write 750 words a day but not go outside for a walk. I guess it is just a matter of wanting it enough, of the neurology of habits. I don't know. But in a way, I do. I think I am afraid. There were so many times before going on medication where I would feel as though I was dying when on a walk. My heartrate would spike and I would scream for help despite being totally fine. I would lay down on other people's lawns. I know I'm better now, but it is still a struggle.
I do know that I have full control over my actions and reactions, of what goes on in my mind even though I seem so out of control of this unstable sometimes-cruel sometimes-beautiful world. I've turned off notifications because of how annoying and energy-draining they are, but I find myself rotating and checking each site for notifications manually myself now instead. It is so easy to get lost in the automated dopamine mindlessness that kills me. The autopilot zombie time traveller. It's crazy how much faster time goes by when I'm just sitting in bed eating junk food with YouTube on the TV in the background while I'm doing whatever half-focused work.
These are my bad habits and attempt at escaping. Maladaptive coping mechanisms. I haven't exactly become my parents, but the experience does rhyme. The numbness and the anger. I still think so often about Write Club. Why? Who cares? Move on.
What kind of life do I want to be living? Mechanically, definitely this one. Everything on paper is really exactly how I want it. It is just a matter of me choosing and doing right. Meditation, gratitude, reading, walking. I already do the blogging, poetry, chess, French, programming.
I've decided to spend Valentine's Day with Yvonne, though we haven't seen each other since the last entry I wrote to you. We're going to FaceTime and watch the Shirkers documentary virtually together today.