24 april 2026

Friday, April 24th, 2026

The fortitude of the wamus I wear in winter.

Hey there. It's been awhile, hasn't it? I apologize for not writing in this cute little journal for quite awhile. I would really be kicking myself if I wasn't writing in the past few months, but I have been writing the most I've ever been in my entire life.

I really enjoy this kind of procrastination / putting things off. When I am not doing non-urgent work because I am doing urgent work. Much more forgivable. Of course, I do want to be writing here. It is quiet and cozy and I really enjoy the feels engine.

I just connected to tilde.town via ssh for the first time in months, and my inbox is full! I wish I was better at the shortcut commands, I feel like such a zoomer not knowing how to navigate, but it is really good practice for terminal use.

I need to install Linux on my main desktop. I'm sick of using Windows 11, it's awful and the only reason I still have it is because of proprietary software and video games. These really are not good reasons at all. Plus, the new LTS version of Lubuntu just came out and I want to be using that. Good timing.

So, what else is going on in my life? Honestly, I don't think that much. I am single now, focusing most of my effort on writing. My independent publication has been growing! One of my articles was curated by Medium's Staff Picks a couple weeks ago. I'm really proud of myself.

I'm slowly beginning to turn my work into a book of essays. It's tricky because I'm writing every day, and I never feel as though I can just put what I have into a book, I always want to add the tomorrow's essay.

I'm going to Winnipeg with Byron in about a week. It'll be nice to see our dad after around five years, but I am anxious. I haven't been going out in general a lot recently, not nearly as much as I should be. Despite my success and productivity, there is a small part of my psyche that feels as though it is destroying itself. On the run from the gasoline puddle rainbows into dark quiet.

My anxiety is practically non-existent. I am worried about an abstract future that doesn't really exist anymore. It is silly, not something that I actually need to worry about.

Oh, we had the worst winds in Calgary's history today. 90 km/hr, so fierce that they knocked down a tree and we were without electricity for about an hour. I had plenty of devices with battery so I wasn't too concerned. In a weird way, I enjoy limitations like that. Of course, you know that. That's exactly why I like writing journal entries here.

I need to work on my media diet. I have been passively watching MasterChef USA in the background as I do my work, but then I don't actually really focus on anything. Having multiple screens playing at the same time is just a numbing overstimulation. A blockage from thinking deeply. I don't know why I do this to myself. To pass the time?

I'm so thankful the days are getting longer. Even when the sky is grey and moody and the winds are loud and louder. I changed the layout of my bedroom and now my main desktop is right beside the window, so I can see outside as I work. Even though I don't ever really work there. I'm nearly always on my laptop on my bed or on the couch. Silly me.

I've been thinking about the UI/UX of my writing experience. There is something I just do not enjoy about 750word's layout. I don't know how to exactly put my finger on it. I don't even know if there is a writing app or software or site that I do enjoy using at this point. I think Sublime Text with the gruvbox theme is actually really nice. I need to customize that, I think. I really like having colourful syntax, and I want to expand and extend what already exists. But I also really enjoy serif fonts, and you can't really have those in an IDE (I actually used to work with EB Garamond in Geanie, it was kind of sacrilege but really enjoyable. Even the ligatures worked properly. Hehe.)

Anyways, that's all for now. Oh, it's yusha's birthday today. Happy birthday! :)

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30 january 2026

Friday, January 30th, 2026

Tump goes the bombast. It is a general strike across the United States, today. I dreamt Randy gave a lecture on the sizzle over the steak. I also dreamt something odd and poignant. It was an Instagram meme about how the world would be in a far better state if democrats of today were republicans, and republicans of today were just labelled fringe extremists. Isn't that true? My dreams have continued to be vivid and weird but luckily no nightmares about school recently, knock on wood.

I'm sorry for not writing to you as much as I ought to, I have gotten caught up in everything else. I decided to launch a writing school this summer, and I'm really excited about that. I need to catch up on my readings and start developing a reading list and a curriculum. But I've given myself a lot of time. I really care about making sure the pilot cohort feels heard and enjoys the experience. I'm really doing this for the love of the game moreso than money or anything like that. I think I'll probably raise prices for the next cohort if this one goes well.

But, really, I'm tired. I don't know why, but I feel exhausted from nothing. Maybe it's another bout of depression despite the antidepressants. I mean, I feel fine, so maybe it's actually just garden variety laziness. Hard to say.

I've been staying home and focusing on my work, which has been good for me. I have hilariously hurt my hand from twirling my hair so much, being so unused to having it this long. Showering and hair maintenance is work but it feels nice, it's out of that awkward stage.

Flawed Mangoes released a new single called "Horse" and I think it's one of his best so far. I am listening to it right now as I write to you. I've also been watching weekly episodes of the second season of The Pitt as they've come out, but man it feels as though it sucks compared to the first season. I already feel tuned out.

I really don't like how my body feels. My boxers don't really fit me anymore, I feel the fabric stretching when I try to sleep at night. I thought I was fat before, but now I am even more fat. And I really am not taking steps to being more active or healthy despite how I feel. I don't know why. I am able to get myself to write 750 words a day but not go outside for a walk. I guess it is just a matter of wanting it enough, of the neurology of habits. I don't know. But in a way, I do. I think I am afraid. There were so many times before going on medication where I would feel as though I was dying when on a walk. My heartrate would spike and I would scream for help despite being totally fine. I would lay down on other people's lawns. I know I'm better now, but it is still a struggle.

I do know that I have full control over my actions and reactions, of what goes on in my mind even though I seem so out of control of this unstable sometimes-cruel sometimes-beautiful world. I've turned off notifications because of how annoying and energy-draining they are, but I find myself rotating and checking each site for notifications manually myself now instead. It is so easy to get lost in the automated dopamine mindlessness that kills me. The autopilot zombie time traveller. It's crazy how much faster time goes by when I'm just sitting in bed eating junk food with YouTube on the TV in the background while I'm doing whatever half-focused work.

These are my bad habits and attempt at escaping. Maladaptive coping mechanisms. I haven't exactly become my parents, but the experience does rhyme. The numbness and the anger. I still think so often about Write Club. Why? Who cares? Move on.

What kind of life do I want to be living? Mechanically, definitely this one. Everything on paper is really exactly how I want it. It is just a matter of me choosing and doing right. Meditation, gratitude, reading, walking. I already do the blogging, poetry, chess, French, programming.

I've decided to spend Valentine's Day with Yvonne, though we haven't seen each other since the last entry I wrote to you. We're going to FaceTime and watch the Shirkers documentary virtually together today.

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19 january 2026

Hello, journal. How time just so quickly slips passed us. It's already nearly the end of January. How did that happen? I haven't written a proper personal journal entry in a good while, and I feel as though I ought to. Things are okay with me, but they are different, now.

I've been back home for the past few days, and it looks like this is where I'll be long-term. Yet another incident happened with Yvonne. Another breaking point. Another breakup. There's a hole in her closet door from where she threw a glass just inches away from me. I have reached a point where I truly no longer feel safe with her. I feel helpless. I have tried for around a year now, to heal. To try to find the salve and balm. Meaning and purpose. I just don't think I'm the right person for this at this point. I have caretaker fatigue and burnout. If I went back, yet again yet again, it would be moreso out of pity than love. I understand Yvonne a lot more now than when this first happened. And I know how she is so, so small and cares so deeply. But after everything, she can still only find catharsis in violent, dangerous outburst. No matter what other coping skills or therapies or medications have been tried. She is plainly treatment-resistant.

There is so much that I need to grieve, so much lost. I feel as tough my optimism is pathological. That I am fucked-up in my own unique way, with a capacity of seeing the shape of a hopeful future ahead when there isn't one. I'm somehow thirty-years old and painfully naïve. And I know it won't stop. I know people are inherently good and that love always works better than fear or malice. These are fundamentals of the known universe.

I decided to do something weird and text every contact in my phone last night, I wished everyone well, I said that I hoped they were taking care of themselves and that their life was full of joy and wonder. Most people didn't get back to me. That's okay.

But I think we've been propagated towards being anti-social, or at the very least, asocial. I don't think it's good for our psyche. We are social creatures. Being shunned by our community causes our brains to experience the equivalent of physical pain.

I need to start at the beginning again, I know. Cultivate my loving-kindness, return to the basics of Buddhist meditation. Every sentient being in the universe is stricken with suffering. It is our job to eliminate as much of that suffering for others as possible. These are the fundamentals of the known universe.

I think I feel so wayward because things are going so good for me otherwise. I am making a living with my writing. That is a dream for nearly every writer. I am so privileged to continue to gain followers and revenue. I think I am honestly disgusted partly with myself over it. Who do I think I am? Where do I get off? I know writers plenty more talented and careful and hard-working than me haven't found the right channels, and maybe never will. It is all so cruel and arbitrary in sheer randomness. The colours of rainbows, our spectrums are too rich. We can step onto the quicksand where only one set of footsteps carries us into the deep, dark abyss.

I am so grateful for this life I have been given. It is so weird and random. I am so grateful I was able to try my best to take care of Yvonne and fall in love with her. I hope there is a silver bullet that just hasn't been discovered yet. I hope the car alarm turns into music.

There aren't any junebugs anymore, are there? I see less butterflies in the summer. Less bugs in general. What's happening? Where is Gaia? I wish I could text her. Ask how things are. But I wouldn't know how to keep the conversation going. That's beyond my paygrade.

Embodying emotions is difficult. I've become so good at intellectualization and compartmentalization because I've needed to do so for a lot of my life. But now I just want to feel. I do sometimes, but it is a flood of tears and my body forgets how to breathe. Breathe. Aspiration. I remain in aspiration. In hope and prayer for all others. I love you.

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15 january 2026

The Past Month

Around a month ago, after discovering omg.lol and writing an article on it (which turned out to be one of my most popular, ever). I decided I finally needed to get serious about my own contributions to the IndieWeb. Sure, I've have a portfolio for years, but so what? This is performative and designed for recruiters and potential future employers.

No, I needed something entirely different, entirely just for me. to buy a new domain on PorkBun, sign up on GitLab to build a new site from scratch with a design that sparked joy for me, and finally sink my teeth and immerse myself into the independent Internet.

There are so many things that I could list off that have been positive in this experience so far. Creating all the different slash pages for my site made me do an inventory of myself: what matters? what do I care about? What do I use on a daily basis that I ought to be grateful for? You can see all my different pages here.

These are not the kind of introspective questions you find yourself asking on a consistent basis on typical social media platforms (Instagram, TikTok, or God forbid X). There's just an overwhelming amount of content, of new information and stimuli to ever just meditate.

I found myself no longer merely writing navel-gazing articles and thinkpieces, I was actively trying to figure out how to improve my site for others and, in turn, share those improvements for others to copy. Because my site is entirely free and open source, meaning that anybody can outright take any code or ideas I share. And I encourage it!

I'd like to go over a few pieces of tech that I have been developing on my site since I began (warning: ultra-nerdy talk ahead):

• To start, I used IndieAuth to add a comment section to my blog posts. This means that other people can respond without needing to make yet another account and remember yet another password. All you need is your own website, which you really ought to have! This turned my website from a guy talking to himself into a proper dialogue, a to-and-fro.
• I can write posts anywhere online using the same code that I used to add a comment section, I also turned my website into an API that allows me to publish blog posts from Quill with Micropub.
• I got into the weeds and improved optimization, figuring out how to implement good coding practices to make my site load faster. For instance, my massive from-scratch CSS stylesheet was split up into fourteen different parts, with each part hashed so that the unchanged parts remain cached in people's browsers.
• I extended the functionality of Robb Knight's post graph plugin, which allows me to have a cool visualization of my posts on my homepage that's now fully interactable.
• I found out about the history of 88x31 badges, and discovered over a dozen badges that I'm totally in love with to display on my own site, and also found a really awesome generator to create my own!
• To connect with others on the IndieWeb, I searched and added myself to web rings, which are ways of connecting sites and adding social discoverability to your site without search engines.
  • My site is now part of the XXIIVV Webring, Bucketfish Webring, Hotline Webring, Static.Quest Webring, Dinhe.net Webring, the Fediring and of course, the IndieWeb Webring.
• I used GitLab's CI/CD to mirror my site to NeoCities, giving me both a redundant backup of my site, but also allowing my site to live within NeoCities' ecosystem rather effortlessly.
• I created a gratitude log that lives at log.brennan.day. This is particularly interesting because this subdomain is a site that lives in a separate repository that I'm tracking with Beeminder. This means I need to update the site with my daily gratitude journal each day or else I have to pay! Talk about accountability and pushing myself to do what I know I ought to be doing.
• I discovered even more resources about the IndieWeb people could use to get started and immersed into the subculture.
• I went through and made sure my website worked for people who have disabled Javascript on their web browser (or who don't have it at all, in the first place). Developers who rely on heavy frameworks like React or Vue are creating websites that will work for most people, sure, but not everyone. Creating an accessible website for everyone means everyone.

Speaking of, just a few days ago, I was accepted into the wonderful SSH-based Tilde.town (hi there, if you're reading this!), yet another community of lovely people that's invisible to those who have the typical understanding of the Internet. It is so exciting that I can boot up my ancient ThinkPad X200T into a terminal-only interface (the kind that was standard in DOS and pre-Windows 95) and actually be able to play fun games, communicate with people, and write in my new journal.

The Internet is full of amazement and goodness. You just need to know where to look for it. And you need to start looking! Invest your time and energy into something that you truly own and share it with others. Imagine what we can build together going forward.

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14 january 2026

First Entry

Hi there, I am brand new to tilde.town and using the terminal like this. It is so exciting! I am a writer, and I write a lot. At least 750 words a day. And that is either private journal writing or blog posts. And that is swell, but I think this is the sort of thing I've been looking for my whole life. This feels private and personal, but yet does have public access if you know how and where to look.

I'm turning 30 in a few months, and I love how much of a beginner I am to so many things. My life is rather excellent as of late. I've been able to make writing my full-time career and I have a lot of time for myself as a result. I've been reading more often, playing chess, trying to learn French (badly), and getting back into meditation. There is so much to life, there is so much richness. There is SO much I really just want to sink my teeth into. I want to promise to myself that I'll write here every day. I don't really know what. Just personal junk, really. I hope that's okays? I'm stoked to better figure things out as I go.

Alright, here's a little update. I have been wrestling with the CSS and styling this little weblog for about an hour now. It's pretty silly how difficult I manage to make stuff like this for myself, but I actually think it's all well worth it. Honestly, I love the idea of booting up my old ThinkPad x200, which can't really run a GUI browser anymore. And using that to surf tilde town and see how much of my screen time can be in terminal-only!~

I love the idea of writing poetry for everyone here. I am a poet but I don't know how good of one I am.

Tic-Tacs Above the A1065

The security guard’s coffee steams
against chain-link fence, thumbs scrolling,
scrolling, scrolling, until
a white pill-shape
hovers past the radar tower.

Under the Atlantic, the submarine’s sonar
pings & pings. The operator removes
his headphones, rubs his temples.
Heat signatures cluster & scatter like
schools of fish that glow
in colours fish have never been.

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