11 may 2026
Sunday, May 20th, 2026
Hello, hello. It is the last day of my visit to my hometown of Winnipeg. I've had a really good week. I've met up with a lot of family, like my half-brother and a couple of my nephews, as well as all my dad's cousins. We visited the Museum of Human Rights and a couple Winnipeg staples like Salsbury House and Zax Drive Inn for a fatboy, which is only a few blocks away from my childhood home on Martin Avenue. The weather was surprisingly cold for the middle of May, but I didn't mind that at all.
My half-brother, Robβwho we affectionately call Sonnyβhe's been doing really well for himself catering for the Manitoba MΓ©tis Federation. He has a large, beautiful house that we went to have dinner at for Mother's Day. It makes me a little sad to see the small apartment my dad has in comparison up in Elmwood. I've made peace with poverty but I can tell he hasn't, or my brother Byron.
It's been eye-opening to see how all of my adjacent family on both my dad's and mom's sides are well-off when my parents aren't. I've learned a lot on this trip. Most notably the similarities between my parents, even after not being together for over twenty years. They're both such chronic worriers, so rife with anxiety and fretting, so easily falling into rumination and overthinking. And I feel so bad, I try to ease both of their concerns as much as I can but nothing I say calms the thoughts down. I know how that is! My anxiety was awful before I started SSRIs that thank fuck worked for me.
I brought up to Sonny that I want to move to Winnipeg, and I'm hoping he could hook me up with a comfortable office job at the MMF. Mostly at this point I just want to make good money to give to my parents. Finances is such a stress for both of them. I don't give a fuck about that, I'd be happy eating instant noodles every night if it means I can keep writing and reading and experiencing art and nature.
I'm so grateful I went on this trip, because it's shown me that I'm actually in a way better place than I thought I was. I thought I was still agoraphobic and that my cardio was so shot I wouldn't be able to even make it through the airport. But no, I'm actually fine and typical. Like, sure I'm not as athletic or healthy I was when I was 20-years-old a decade ago, but I can anything I want. I think maybe I have trauma back home that I haven't properly reckoned with, but here? It's like my breakdown last year didn't happen at all.
But man, this trip really highlighted to me that I am lonely. I've found myself back on the futile dating apps and full of yearning. Even a long-distance internet gf would be nice? I don't know, I messed up really good relationships in the past. I've been given so much grace and luck and chance. I've learned a lot, and I think I'd be a much better partner now. But it feels so late. I've wanted a nuclear family since I was a kidβI think in response to how unstable and volatile my own family life was. But I don't have the stability to provide for a family, and I don't care about having that, do I?
As grateful as I am for my own life and existence, it would be unfair to raise a kid as poor as I was raised. It wouldn't be fair to burden a partner with my lofty artistic dreams. But then I remind myself that so many worse families have survived with so much less. I don't think that's a good enough excuse.
Anyways, let's get some housekeeping out of the way while I'm here. I'm posting these journal entries on both DreamWidth and my blog on tilde.town going forward, as they're both along the same lines of being so personal and intimate.
I think it's important and good I start writing these journal entries in public. Like the vulnerability and transparency of it all, right? It's so different from my main blog, like a behind-the-scenes kind of thing that someone more capitalistic would put behind a paywall. But a lot of people only have one blog and this is the kind of thing they post there. It's so silly when I (over)think stuff like that. You can post whatever you want. Stop being such a silly goose. Coin-coin!