Concept: You're sitting on a beach on an unnamed Pacific island, your manservant has your phone and will let you know if something important comes up, you have the right amount of sunscreen on, you have a your drink of choice and 3 or 4 different interesting novels within reach.
Enya is playing. In the distance, a dinghy full of dogs approaches.
Current Mood: S/P/E/E/D
So I finally did it, I ended my last relationship and am in the process of consolidating and moving back to the East Coast.
Also I finally got a tattoo, and I'm stupid fucking stoked about it. It's an outline of a shortfin Mako with the text "NEVER STOP MOVING" on the interior. Adapt or die. Change or die.
Or the classic of course, "Adapt. Improvise, Overcome" :P
I'm feeling this weird mix of like, Boccionian/Marinetti stype Futurism (Fast cars! Fuck the system! Break shit and make bold things!) and dark humor. I know that neither of those things are actually feelings but goddamnit that's the best I can come up with right now.
current mood: aggravated/tired/anxious
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going to wait until it's a "good" time to break up and never do it. I keep imagining myself 3-4 years from now, looking back and thinking 'why didn't I do it then? I'll do it after x".
Ugh. I hate to sounds like every millenial stereotype ever, but being an adult is hard and I understand why adults are so grumpy all the time.
Unrelated: I've started reading Infinite Jest and it's much better now than it was when I was trying to read it at 17-18. Still dense as fuck though (the book, not me).
Mood: Listening to nature recordings and eating bone soup.
Another day in paradise.
Domestic life is comfortable, I've been trying to pay more attention to stress and have been reading a manual on lucid dreaming.
I haven't been able to really do it yet, but I am thoroughly enjoying the exercises where you make yourself check your 'state' several times a day in order to try and create a habit. The idea is that this habit you form will carry over into your dreams and will help you become lucid while in a dream.
I've taped a teeny tiny bit of paper with "check your state" written on it onto my watch, which has been helping me do this periodically.
Today I decided to start making an effort to track my mood and pay attention to what makes me feel bad.
For example, I was going to wake up early this morning but was so tired and just plain unwilling that I set my phone to airplane mode and decided to sleep until I no longer felt sleepy. Apparently that’s 8:00 AM instead of 6:00 AM, but I woke up feeling good.
After that, it became a struggle not to check my phone and flip it back ‘on’, so to speak. I was going through my morning routine and actively thinking about checking Facebook, Email, or anything really.
What soured my mood after all of that was a domestic argument I had with my girlfriend about the dishes. It wasn’t a big deal, but it put me in mood that lasted for about an hour afterwards. I’m feeling better, and now I have something like a system for cataloging my daily stresses and tracking patterns. It’s not a Fitbit/heart monitor/Apple Watch bit of techno-wizard gear, but at least it’s a chance to be more reflective and intentional.
Current feeling: Ennui
I don't know if it's better to write down 'ennui' or 'disillusionment'. On the one hand, I'm not really feeling super confident about what the future holds. On the other, I don't know if that really, strictly speaking is 'disillusionment'.
Hold on.
...
"dis·il·lu·sion·ment ˌdisəˈlo͞oZHənmənt/Submit noun a feeling of disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be."
Yeah okay, probably not that. Actually the more I think about it the more I don't know. I've been having some relationship troubles recently and I'm not sure what to do about it since the holidays are coming and we have history now. The drama is over, but I'm not 100% there yet, the feeling of "let's break up after the holidays and begin anew" isn't strong, but it has sure wedged itself in there. Thing is, I don't know if I want it to go away or if I want to do something about it. Well, I guess the whole purpose of ttbp is to desaugarse, which means literally to unflood oneself, but less literally means to let it all out.
I'm glad that tilde.town is still up, this is a great community even if I'm not super technical the way most of the regulars are.
Well, it looks like I'm back here for a while.
Granted, it's only been about 6 months (slightly less) but it feels like longer.
I've moved into a new apartment, gone to Puerto Rico, gone to China, and am back with no travel plans until Christmas.
Here's to all my friends in ~Town, it's nice to hear from you all again.
Everyone is just trying to be part of The Next Great Historical Moment.
I don't know if it's a Western thing, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility that it's something that has existed as long as organized society has (indeed, maybe even a prerequisite for it).
I'm not sure, but I think that this is the common denominator behind all the ennui and angst that trails along behind the populist upwind sweeping the US, Europe, and most Liberal Western-style democracies.
It's almost as if the Hegelian idea of history is just an excuse to re-hash the same arguments over and over, in a sort of Xenos-paradox kind of way. A way of keeping people busy working towards a 'tangible-intangible' goal. Protesting isn't going to make them stop bombing anything. Hell, it's just going to give them a better target.
I guess that means that the questions morphs from "What are we going to do to combat X?" to "What are we going to do for dinner after the manifestation?"
I dunno, this is where I'm choosing to record my fears and worries, it's not like any of this is going to matter/change anything. That's the point.
So I'm on vacation in Puerto Rico!
My parents invited me along this year, and since I didn't have anything crazy on my plate, I went.
It sure is a lot nicer than back home right now, my New England instincts are v confused. Why is it so nice? When is it going to get very bad? Why isn't it awful outside? What's that blindingly bright disc in the sky and who put it there?
Today we went to Arecibo and saw the Arecibo Radar Telescope, which is (as of Sept 2016) the second largest telescope of it's kind in the world. Thanks China for wresting that title from us.
Side note: going to go look at the telescope was made extra cool by the fact that I just finished reading The Three Body Problem by Cixin Liu.
Anyway, that's all I have for now, can't wait to go back home to a real computer and not just my iPad mini/ble keyboard combo.
~bizzarosanti
I've always had issues recording my thoughts anywhere.
Like, ever since I was young I would start a journal but promptly destroy it after two or three entries.
There was/is this constant fear that whatever I wrote would come back to haunt me. A strange kind of paranoia over nothing.
It's been hard piecing together written thoughts over time because of this habit, but I'm trying to stop thinking about writing and just making sure I write something down in the same place, suppressing the urge to delete it all and start over.
I guess there's a certain luxury in being able to 'clean slate' every so often, or maybe it's a fear of commitment, who knows?
So I've begun the slow but methodical process of pairing down everything in my apartment in preparation for a move.
I won't be moving as far away as I initially thought I would be, but it will be nice to change the artificiality of base living for a more urban environment.
Haven't found a new place yet, but I'm looking at February as my move goal.