return TTBP



03 may 2020

I actually feel pretty good today! I have been getting into gopher and gemini and I committed a change to a gemini browser.

I installed Ubuntu 20.04 on my laptop and it's pretty good. So smooth.

Oh I started a pubnix myself! Breadpunk.club. Just remembered it's been so long since I wrote a feels, that I haven't told you about it yet.

I also redid my website, and I've mostly been doing this kind of blogging through the dispatches there.



24 august 2019

I'm feeling okay today. It rained earlier, but now it's kind of nice.

I finished reading Not simple, and it was okay. It wasn't my favorite. It did that thing that graphic novels do where they are kind of light on story. Or maybe I read them too fast. Or am not appreciating them for their genre. hmmmmmm.



17 august 2019

Went to the library today. Got a lot of comic books.

OH our Odin got adopted today. He's such a good boy and I'm so glad he's got a home. I'll miss him but he's in a better place now. I need to update my site to reflect that.



15 august 2019

Been a while since I wrote on here. I've started botany again, let's see if I can keep the plant alive.

I'm hacking on dwm, dmenu, st. Mostly dwm actually. Just applying patches... it's fun, in a way.

I don't know what else to say.

I was in a pretty big depressive episode, I think, but I am feeling better now, for the most part. I'm not sure if my therapist is going to say I should be on drugs or not. At the beginning of the summer, he said he didn't think so, but now I'm not sure. He brought it up last time.

Speaking of, I need to set up an appointment.



30 july 2019

I installed DWM again yesterday, and I've got it decently well configured (patched) now. I'll probably change it more as time goes on, but for now I'm happy with it.

The Democratic debate was interesting. I'm still waiting for the field to thin. I want to call it here so I have somewhere to point to that I called it before it happened: Marianne Williamson is going to be the next POTUS. She's just ridiculous enough, and they were talking about her animatedly in the aftershow. American politics is a shitshow, speaking of shows. CNN's moderation was garbage.

But yeah, be ready for a Pres. Williamson. She's not going to be good. But it's going to happen.



15 july 2019

Just got over a micro-episode of pretty intense depression. I think that maybe it made me see things more negatively, which led me to say some hurtful things.... but I'm not sure if I'm just deflecting. Or if I really do feel those things and am usually more diplomatic about it. Which means I still mean those things, right?

I'm not sure really which it is, or if it's either of them, or if it's not anything like that at all.

It's exhausting sometimes.



03 july 2019

Oops, I deleted my feels with a careless rsync! I think I have it fixed now... NOPE. Oh jeez. I'm not sure what to do about this. Standby.

Got it now! Like a dummy, I didn't read the setup when it was setting me up.


Today has been okay. I got off work early, so that was nice. I updated my main site, and found a lot of old wordpress blogs that I can link to somehow. I am getting really strong deja vu right now. Did I write this before?

NOPE

What's been going on lately? I have been having a lot of deja vu. What does that mean? Is something about to happen? Am I just in a manic period?

Parade

We're having a parade today in a neighborhood in town. By "we," I mean "the people who live in the neighborhood" -- but a lot of politicians will be there.

I'm not feeling patriotic today. I haven't been for a while. I think I should confront my congressman about the children at the border, but I'm too chickenshit to do it.



01 july 2019

Had a decent day today. Finished my first iteration of what I'm calling unk, my tiny static site generator. I want to move my tilde website to using it and then publish (by which I mean I'd post about it on like, Mastodon). Other than that I "dicked around" on the internet for a while and I watched some TV. That's pretty much it. I just started a new project to write something every day for a year. It's ambitious but hopefully it'll get me writing stuff.

I need something to do with my days.



24 june 2019

I really fell off #AudioMo. But I've decided I'm okay with it. I'll catch it next year, maybe I'll have an end-of-month blowout, and I'll record other stuff as well, later.

I got some love for my oregano poem thing, which is cool to get, and I finally finished my commission for the auction. R and M and J all cried reading it, and said it was really good. Maybe I need to trust myself more. Maybe I'm not so terrible after all, huh?



09 june 2019

Had to post my #AudioMo day 8 submission late. Feel kind of weird about that. Should I link it here? No.

Hm.

What am I writing here?

Nothing of any importance.

Today we're going to a volunteer orientation to meet immigrants at the bus station.



07 june 2019

I've restyled my feels and my homepage. I'm fairly chuffed about that but I haven't eaten any dinner, so that's not the best.

I had a period of just sadness today. It was strange, it was like I watched myself from a height being in a foul mood. I wasn't sure if I could bring myself to really care.

Do I want to start a mood blog on this???



04 june 2019

I rode my bike today to therapy. It was a good ride if a little scary at times -- Baton Rouge can be intense with the traffic.

Therapy was okay. There was something that was a mini-breakthrough but I don't remember what it was.

I started looking at my friend's personal wiki describing a fictional world. It looks so amazing and I'm in total awe. I need to write something like that. Or take pictures, or do sounds, or something. I just need to dive into a world, right?

I'm about to go to bed. Woop woop. Do it all again tomorrow.



03 june 2019

CW: feces, mental health -

I feel like I did nothing today except for watch TV, clean up dog shit, waste time online, and talk to internet strangers whose intentions I'm not sure about. The above list is out of order.

I woke up to the smell of dog shit in the house. Our foster, Odin, had liquid poop all in his crate and some of it had leaked out. I had to clean that all up and I ended up not going to work to stay home with him. Good news is, he seems to be feeling much better now and hopefully won't do it again before we can take him to the vet.

I wasted a lot of time online. I found out about #audiomo, which is where people record audio every day for the month of June and post it online, and I thought about doing that but didn't. I goofed around on the internet in the usual places -- reddit, mastodon, etc. Yeah, I porn'd. Uff.

Someone messaged me after I followed them saying they weren't sure why I followed them and then after I looked into why by looking on their timeline, I saw that they might not be the best person. I didn't tell them so or unfollow them though. Makes me feel like I'm a chickenshit.

I also in between everything watched 2 episodes (might go for more) of Green Wing, a strange show about a hospital. I'm not sure if I like it but it's something to pass the time.

I want to be creative but I don't have anything I feel like I can create right now. Maybe I should've gone for a bike ride or gone out or something.

Uff, I say.

I should do dishes. I'm not sure I will.



22 may 2019

I wrote a little script today to help me with my tilde.town house. It's okay I think. I keep getting these calls from randos, like this one right now. uff.



21 may 2019

It's been some time since I was on here last. That's okay I think -- life happens and stuff. I've been in a depressive episode of some kind for a couple of weeks now, though I might (?) be coming out of it now, or I'm at least hovering a little higher than I have been previously. My therapist asked me what I thought of medicating. I said that sounded okay with me, but now I have to make an appointment with a specialist so it'll take a while, probably. The biggest thing I wish would change is being able to do things in a timely manner.



13 april 2019

My blue agave is flowering! On tildes, not in real life. I have no flowering plants in real life.

I was tired a lot today. I think I didn't have enough calories for most of it and was maybe a little dehydrated as well. Feeling better now though.

It was a beautiful day today even when it rained. It was tiring though. I had to work most of the day, or rather after 11, meaning if I'd been able to wake up and do stuff earlier I had plenty of time, but I didn't do that.

I have to do laundry.



02 april 2019

Made it to Hattiesburg today for a conference. I met some other of the librarians who work in other departments. I felt kind of generally awkward but I think maybe they're the type of people who are also so. So maybe it's okay and maybe I wasn't being weird. The drive was alright. I had some of that nodding-off thing that happens on long drives sometimes but I did just fine. Had a veggie burger from BK, not bad.

Honestly I'm doing this form of journaling and my notebook and I'm not sure if that's too much or just enough. Is there anything different between this writing and that writing? I'm not sure. Sometimes it seems so and sometimes it doesn't seem so. Maybe this is the stuff I'm okay with someone finding out, and my notebook is for other stuff, more personal stuff.

Even though there's not really an audience here, I'm writing for one.



01 april 2019

I began napowrimo today. It felt good. I was going to do a sonnet every day but I might instead just do a poem every day.



30 march 2019

Just opened this up. Haven't eaten yet today -- even tho it's 9.30. Don't really have any plans to do anything. Trying to think of what I can do to pass the time today. I'm going to be on my own most of the day... I got an account at tilde.institute so maybe I'll work on that, but I don't really know C so I'm not sure. Maybe I can go learn C somewhere.


I was a real jerk tonight. I'm not 100% sure why and I'm



28 march 2019

I forgot to write about yesterday in my diary, so I will here. It was nuts.

First I ran into two dogs who'd got out, I guess, on my way home for lunch. They were having a great time but I was worried they'd get hit by a car or something terrible like that, so I called animal control. I wish I could've got them myself and helped them but I hope they're okay. I forget what else happened. Is that because I'm forgetful or am I avoiding something? I did have a bad tutoring appointment because the teacher is no good at all. He doesn't teach and it really bums me out and makes me angry.

We got a puppy today. He is super cute and named Cronk but we might change his name to Popeye. Stormy is being really whiny right now and I don't know why. I'm not sure what else to say here. I guess I won't say anything.


OH yesterday I called 911 for the first time because a man came on the bookmobile claiming he was having a heart attack. My partner M said he'd probably just been drinking and mixed it with the nitroglycerin, but I'm glad I called the ambulance because I don't want someone to die on me.



26 march 2019

I factory reset my phone today. I'm trying to keep it as un-googled as possible. So far, so good. I'm also not installing any time wasting apps. Or trying not to. So far, so good. Here we go.



24 march 2019

I lost my wallet today. It's really frustrating because I'll have to cancel all my cards, but I'm glad I didn't have any cash in it.



21 march 2019

Huh, it's been a few days. What happened that caused me to quit updating my feels?

Maybe I just forgot yesterday. That can happen sometimes. I'm pretty forgetful.

The past couple of days have been really beautiful if still a little chilly. The moon has been so full it casts shadows. My favorite time that happened was one time on my birthday, all my friends came over and we stayed out all night playing yard games like Ghost in the Graveyard (renamed Tooth Fairy in Cloudland because I was scared, and I wasn't young -- I was like 14) and talking about who knows what, cutting up, kid stuff.

I finished Cain. I liked it a lot. I wrote a little something about liking it but I'm not sure if that's all I should say or if I should say more. I think it's okay if I only say that I liked it. It's my website. I can do what I want.



19 march 2019

The foster dog attacked Stormy last night. And by attacked, it's complicated. She started the tiff, but she's all bark and no bite, and he was freaked, so. But we separated them for a second and then he lunged at her and latched on and drew blood and she could've died, I think.

Part of me feels overdramatic because she didn't die. Part of me feels bad for him because we're taking him back to the shelter where he very possibly could be put down. Part of me is very angry at him, for doing what he did, for betraying my trust in him, for hurting our girl. Part of me wonders how much him being a pitbull mix plays into the feelings of the other parts of me.

This morning I let him out and he and Stella played. Stormy came to check and he came up to her and I thought, maybe this'll be okay, then, but she immediately growled and I had to restrain her. So that's not going to work. Not that it would, not that we'd keep him around even if they were fine, because now we know what he can do. But I was hoping they could patch things up, I guess, before he goes. And they couldn't. Which I don't blame Stormy for. But it scared me so much, all over again. I don't know what I'd do if she were killed.

There's just a lot of complex and competing emotions right now swirling around in me. I was hoping by writing them out I'd work through them. But they're still there. The shelter opens at ten.



17 march 2019

Happy St. Patrick's day! Still very early -- I'm actually up late from yesterday. Went to the parade , had a good time. Our friends are cool and we always hang out with them all day, and always have a good time. I'm now tired. I hope I didn't screw up my sleep schedule again.


Woke up at about 8:30, stayed in bed til 10 reading Reddit and wasting time. I need to not be so hard on myself for reading Reddit, but I need to not read so much of it either. It's generally unhealthy I think. I've got a book right by the bed, I could read that when I wake up.

I cleaned out the sink drain this morning. It was absolutely disgusting.

Oh right, feels. Hm. I don't think much about my feels. This is probably a problem.

Right now I feel okay. Pretty neutral. I have a slight headache, I think from being up too late and not drinking enough water yesterday. We're going to the store today to get groceries. I want to make something. I'll work on my comic.



15 march 2019

I slept really poorly last night. I think part of it had to do with this thunderstorm, but I'm not sure. I'm up really early this morning, too, for work, but I'm not tired right now. Maybe I'll be okay today.

The dogs were freaked out by the storm so we let them on the bed. It made me wonder what having children will be like, how there will be this little package containing all of my life and R's, how we'll try so hard to protect it, because that's what happens. I don't think it'll even be a choice. I did that instead of dream.

I also thought about this idea for a novel I have. I don't know if it's the best idea in the world. I don't know if I could write it.


Bored at work. What else is new?


I made it home, I'm exhausted. I can't really get to sleep though. I mean it's only 7:30 so I'm not too concerned. I'm worried about the dog pacing around, he's nervous or something. Or just bored. I just don't want to entertain him right now. It takes a lot not to assume kids are like this.


Did some changes on my tilde.town site and in these feels. I think they look pretty good.

I'm trying to decide if I want to host pictures I take here, or if that would even be okay. I'm not sure what file size limits we have here. I think it's maybe just a computer somewhere? Maybe I can ask on irc.



14 march 2019

I read some others' feels before starting these feels and I am feeling feels. There's just so much. Maybe it's a problem with that limit to the number of people you can keep relationships with? Like all these people on the Internet I want to have a real relationship with but that won't happen, not really, not if we don't meet face to face.

And I don't know if I want that either. What if everyone is lame or thinks I'm lame? I could probably organize a meetup on Reddit but there's this voice in the back of my head that's like, You don't want to do that, that's for losers. Which is absolutely not true. In my head I know that we all are people and we deserve connection, etc. but in my body there's this fear and disgust and I don't know. I don't like not knowing I think.

I was going to write about something else tonight. But my notebook is in my backpack is in --- no wait, I have it here.

Anyway it's not important.

But I do want to mention that I joined another Jabber server today: chat me at acdw@404.city if you want, if you're reading this. It's part of that reaching out for communication thing. It's what we do as people, right?


Wow, I wrote this after midnight last night. I'm definitely feeling not sleeping today. So. Tired.

Other than that, today has gone okay. I got a haircut. I got some work done at work. R got her dress in so that's exciting. I think we're going to go get pizza later for Pi day -- it's 3.14 a pie, which is incredible.

Found out our favorite bar downtown is closing, which especially sucks because we were planning on our wedding afterparty to be there. We'll have to find a new venue now, I guess. I wonder why they're closing -- maybe not enough profit? Or maybe something else.



12 march 2019

I wrote some in my (paper) journal today. I hadn't really written in it since the fourth. I was busy fixing this site up and writing in it. I'm not sure which is better.

I'm so tired but not at the right times. I woke up and was very tired, but after that it really wasn't soo bad. But I could tell I wasn't thinking straight.

And then I had a lot of coffee and I want to quit coffee but I don't know if that's a thing I can do right now. I need a vacation of about a week to quit coffee.



11 march 2019

Just got home from work. It was pretty good today -- my new partner is great at storytime and she wants to help doing everything. I spent most of the afternoon writing a new vim colorscheme, or rather rewriting it. I like it -- it's cool and easy on the eyes, with just enough color. Maybe even too much color.

Now I'm home, I got to play with the dogs. R texted me a conversation she overheard two yahoos making in the doctor's office about politics. Real good stuff. I need to make dinner and do dishes before going to work. First, I need to get off here.


I started reading CAIN by Jose Saramago tonight during tutoring. It's quite good so far. It's good satire on the whole notion of an Abrahamic god. Reminds me: I need to write my review of PEN15. Anyway, I don't have a lot of feels today, I guess?

OH here's one:

Feel

I sort of meditated on the bus today. I stared straight ahead and tried to look at the plug on the wall (I was sideways) and let thoughts and feelings wash over me. Not bother me. Wash.



10 march 2019

We're about to head to the shelter to get another foster dog. He's apparently very high-energy, like so high that it's the reason he's been returned twice. When we had Fil, he was pretty high energy, so I don't think this guy is going to be much worse. He can't be. Or at least, I hope he's not.

We cleaned today in anticipation. I went to church and did the RE thing, then listened to the sermon. It was interesting because I had a sticky name tag and I think some people thought I was a visitor and were more talkative to me because of that. That made me feel kind of weird, like I haven't made much of an impression.

Or maybe they did know me and I was just more talkative and interactive than usual. Hmmm.



09 march 2019

I got my timezone right on ~. I had it set as UTC -- 6 hours ahead! Oh boy, did I have it wrong.


Started watching The Wire today. It took me a minute to get the hang of what was going on but finally I got it. It's really a good show I think.

A bad show is this Netflix thing, Dragon Prince. The writing is poor and the animation is not good. I think the problem is animation for me with cartoons. If it's good animation, great. If it's bad though, I'm not interested. Like Watership Down. Great story, but the new show is terrible animation.


The dishes are nearly clean now. There were some from the party two weeks ago. I think they're all clean now, at least. Thank goodness.

I was going to write earlier, when I had a fresh page, that I was going to clean today. (I didn't write because of the timezone issue.) I did clean, but not as much as I wanted, I think. Tomorrow I am teaching RE.


I should go to bed. I'll get one hour less of sleep tonight because of DST. It's really 12:48 right now, which is really quite late. But I'm filled with a sort of restlessness that makes me not want to sleep. I want to do more, maybe with the family website I set up or with my personal one. I do need to get a new plugin for Hakyll, the image processing one. I suppose I can do that tomorrow.



08 march 2019

I'm writing again today. It's been some time, hasn't it? But that's okay.

Therapy went alright yesterday, but it was frustrating. I've had a frustrating week: there was a 2-hour seminar for work that was a waste of time, I couldn't get through to my tutee about her paper, and even therapy wasn't as good as it could've been? We talked about -- what did we talk about? I feel like anxiety-ridden forgetting of words or concepts is happening more, or maybe I'm noticing it more, praying-mantis-egg-case style. Anyway, we talked about how I can be very critical of others and that leads me to being critical of myself, or I'm also critical of myself, overly so. But it felt like we were talking around each other. I think I need a new therapist.

Today, I balanced my ledger and didn't really talk to R. She was at work until she got home for 15 minutes and then went to gymnastics with her mom, which they love, and I sat at home and putzed around on Reddit, mostly. I need to get off of that site. Mastodon too, probably. Is tilde.town a good one? There's another, you know, tildes.net, that's okay.


I just read some feels on here, and I'm reminded how wonderful tilde.town is. It's a nice little space. I think I want to make friends here.



18 october 2018

the future anniversary of my wedding

I'm getting married a year from today. I'm very excited. How was the day a year before my wedding?

I am almost finished with tuppence, a pandoc-y bloggy thingy I'm going to use for my main site.

I finally uploaded files to tilde.town, which is where I'm writing this.

The weather was quite bad earlier this week, worrying me about next year's weather for the wedding, but today has been very nice. So I think we'll be okay.

I have something like a headcold and I don't like it.

But otherwise, I feel very good!