28 march 2019

Bad Mental Health Season

Warning: This post discussess suicide and suicide attempts in detail.

Over the past month, the stress and anxiety of life has gotten to me a lot. It's literally destroying my relationships and almost myself at one point. I guess I can try to make a coherent feels post about what's been going on, but it's likely to just be a ramble...

But maybe it will be cathartic.

Suicidal thoughts and an attempt

I've had mild ambient suicidal thoughts since November, but lately they've come to a head. I finally snapped two weeks ago and actually tried. I tied a noose with an electrical cord, hung it on a hook in the foyer with a square knot... and...


The hook bent and I was touching the ground. Attempt failed.

My neck was killing me and I tasted plasma. Pretty familiar stuff, given I've tried this a few times.

I ran to Alayna, who was the nearest person, to talk about what the fuck I just did. I wasn't sure what the fuck to feel, but I knew that what I just did was a pretty bad fucking thing. She already hasn't been doing great (in part due to me, I'll explain), and this attempt just made it so, so much worse.

The next day, my roommates and Alex all basically sent me to the local mental hospital. I told the interviewer about my plans whilst eating a bag of snack mix, calm and collected. I described how I felt everything in my life was useless and how I was a heavy burden. They sent me home with a "safety plan," essentially meaning Alayna and Alex had to be with me at all times. Fucking Hell, I can't stand the lack of privacy, privacy I literally can't have, for my own good. All to save me from mysellf.

Anxiety and other bullshit

As long as I can remember, I've had issues with anxiety. But lately, it's just gotten so much worse. It's hit Alayna hard, who has had to bear the brunt of my irrational anxiety about our relationship (Alex is unfortunately extremely used to this). Everything makes me anxious and paranoid. I'm always afraid people are going to leave me, that people don't love me or care about me, that people want me dead. I've drank more than I should have, albeit not at alcoholic levels, just to feel normal.

I saw a therapist a few days ago, who nailed my anxiety issues down to a T. She hypothesised that my issues with MDD are related to anxiety. She's right. It's been a problem for years, and it gets worse from time to time, especially when I don't have enough space.

I really need to learn how to deal with this anxiety or it will continue to rule my life.

Lack of space and too much going on

Ever since Alex has arrived, and especially since Alayna has arrived, I've not given myself the space I need to decompress. I need periodic alone time, usually for only a day or two. When I don't get it, I tend to become even more anxious. I suspect that this is the real cause of everything coming to a head lately.

So to help (albeit not cure or really address the underlying problems), I've voluntarily given myself some space from Alayna, and as much as possible given the safety plan, Alex (we share a room but that doesn't mean I can't do my own thing alone). I've been keeping busy with household tasks as well, which give me periodic bouts of alone time and keep my mind off things. It's a good outlet for anxiety, and also helps get things done that have needed to get done.

Last week, we decided to move to a bigger room in the house. Even though I don't generally handle big changes well, especially regarding location, I've actually found that moving into a bigger room with more space has helped me immensely. I don't feel jammed into a small space anymore. Alayna can actually be in here without it feeling extremely crowded. I can get out of bed without disturbing Alex. It's fucking amazing and I love it.

Hope for the future

I think I can get better. I'm getting the help I need now, from competent professionals. Thank Eris for that.

So I guess I can say that although things have been shitty, I have reason to believe they can get better.

05 february 2019

Fedi, sleep, and name feels

Three short things today.

Fedi feels

Fedi doesn't feel like a very safe place for people who are trans and straight or masculine. The amount of bias against straight people and men disturbs me. I'm sure there's mental gymnastics of "well, I didn't mean trans people!" there, but that doesn't really make it okay. It's no more okay than being ironically racist is okay, or mad at all black people "except a few cause they're cool."

It upsets me a lot because a lot of my trans friends are exactly these types. I don't want to invite them to fedi because I don't want them to feel unwelcome.


Sleep feels

Non-24 really fucking sucks. I feel like Alayna and Alex are chasing the wind all the time trying to keep up with me. Non-24 destroyed my relationship with Anna. Anna tried to keep up. It impacted their health badly. But trying to sleep normally impacted mine just as badly.

But if they don't, they won't see me a lot, because I'll be asleep when they're awake and vice versa...


Non-24 is ruining my life and I can do absolutely nothing to stop it.

Name feels

I was going to change my name this month, but I decided to hold off on it, since a friend promised to pay for it. Alex is getting hers done before me. I've been waiting 10 years and it feels so unfair. But most of those 10 years were me just being too chickenshit.

This is probably part of my greater trans feels that I finally feel like I can be myself now that I have other trans people IRL to support me. Having a mutual support network feels amazing. All trans people should have one. They deserve it.

28 january 2019

Flaws in partners, and also love feels

Two big things I want to talk about.

Co-dependency and accepting your partner's flaws

Someone's posts on fedi today reminded me of all those past partners I would often put on pedestals and ignore their flaws. I wanted to believe in their perfection, and when they turned out not to be perfect, or they up and left, it would be impossible to let go.

Putting partners on pedestals leads to the road of co-dependency. This is really not a good road to go down. I've been down it a few times. I've had people become co-dependent on me. My life has a trail of exes that illustrate this all too well.

It's important to remember no one is perfect; this is the nature of being human. Accepting this is an important part of maturity. Everyone has flaws. For a relationship to work, you have to remember your partner is going to let you down, that you're going to let them down, you're going to argue, you're going to disagree, and that these are all normal parts of relationships. It doesn't illustrate a deeper-seated problem, although these are all problems you're going to face at one time or another. God knows I have.

But this is about my feels, not about me pontificating. I am going somewhere with this.

I always remember my partners have glaring flaws.

For instance, take Alex. She has severe abandonment issues. She won't let me have sex with Alayna yet because she's afraid I'm going to leave and not come back. She has issues in the sack related to dysphoria. Her self-image is terrible. She's in near constant pain. She sometimes annoys me with her nagging. She gives in way too much to people out of fear of stirring the pot.

And then there's Alayna. She has severe alcoholism that is statistically likely to relapse at any time. She's very impulsive. She's neurotic about the strangest things. She is very quiet and introverted to the point she doesn't want to snuggle a lot. It's hard to keep her attention for more than a minute.

But I'm not perfect. I have issues with my very short fuse. I'm extremely impulsive. I'm an alcoholic. I do stupid things like burn cotton balls soaked in everclear in a shot glass. I'm overweight as a result of unhealthy habits. I'm in near constant pain. I can't focus for more than a few minutes on anything, unless I develop some kind of hyperfixation. I exist in a constant state of fatigue.

But flaws are just one part of a person. My partners are more than their flaws. I love them anyway, despite them. But accepting flaws means acknowledging their existence.

Love feels

Alayna is back in Tahlehquah today to clean her parent's house. I don't miss her a super lot, but it's been less than a day. I'm going to get her in about 10 hours.

We're coming up with a way to bring her mattress here.

I had an asthma attack last night requiring hospitalisation. She was there by my side the entire time along with Alex. It felt absolutely amazing having her there by my side during a really tough time.

The day after my love post, I told her I loved her. She told me, "I love you too." SQUEE.

Yesterday, she said, "I love you" unprompted. I told her, "I love you too." I felt like I was gonna melt.

So I guess you can say that's going well.

Alex says she's getting more comfortable with the idea of us having sex. I'd be lying if I said I didn't wanna smash. But I also don't want to rush Alex into it. It'd be nice for her to say yes for my birthday (Valentines Day).


24 january 2019

Life bullshit this past few days

Oh BOY lots of feels...

Alayna moving in

Alayna is moving into our garage. I hope it's an opportunity to improve her life. It helps her get out of that house with two parents whom she has nothing in common with. It's not that they're bad people, of course. It's just they're totally different from her. This doesn't really have anything to do with our relationship, of course. This is just a better arrangement for her. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't really like it... I just hope nobody gets the impression we're moving too fast. It wasn't even me who suggested it, it was kaniini.

More stuff with Alayna

I've given her my prescriptions and an inhaler. I guess she really is part of my life now. I've been saying I love her more and more. Nothing reciprocated yet... but I didn't really expect that. It's more me testing the waters. I've always said the best way to figure something out is to just try it.

I've begun calling her pet names besides friendo like babe and sweetie. I still need a distinct one from Alex.. She called me babe earlier and I swear to God I was gonna melt on the spot *squee*.

Thyroid issues

I'm getting put on a low dose of thyroid hormone as soon as my results get faxed over from Planned Parenthood to my doctor. Fucking finally. Hopefully I can feel normal again.

Less good news

I got diagnosed with moderate Alcohol Use Disorder. I was told in no uncertain terms that if I don't stop drinking, I'm going to die, because of interaction with my meds. Holy fuck. That's a Hell of a wakeup call. I don't know what to say yet, or think.


Things are really weird and stuff right now. Mostly positive stuff.

Hope things keep looking better.

20 january 2019

Is It Love or Is It Infatuation?

Alayna is back in Oklahoma. I think she fell asleep. That's fine. I want her to get some rest. She desperately needs it. <3

Do I love Alayna or do I not? I've done a lot of reflection on this topic today. It's been said one can't really assess if you're in love or if you're just smitten until after the fact.

So... I'm gonna make a really long feels post about it.

Signs of infatuation

It's said infatuation often involves putting a person on a pedestal, having illusions that the person is perfect or has no flaws. I know she has many problems, ones I'm not going to be able to fix. There's problems I'm not sure she can fix. I accept her anyway despite them.

It's also said that infatuation is unlike love in the sense that love means learning to accept that the other isn't perfect. Love persists, even after one has been disappointed and has disappointed the other. She's let me down before. I've let her down before. Severely so, in fact. It's bound to happen again, to both of us. That's just the way things are. Neither of us are perfect, after all. And that's fine. I expect nor demand perfection.

It's also said infatuation lasts less time than love. I mean, it's been 20 days, so I don't really know if it meets that criteria. Time will tell...

Most of what I've read about infuation boils down to these few things, essentially. I'm sure an entire book could be written on the topic, but it would ultimately produce more heat than light.

How would this affect the long-term?

I know damn well that this relationship may not last the rest of our lives. I told Alayna that a long-term committment wasn't necessarily what I was looking for. I'm still not sure I'm after that.

I remember that I came into this a lot like the song by The XX, Dangerous. Those were my initial feelings.

But now? The more I think about it, the more I realise that losing her would hurt. A lot. That's probably a sign that my feelings for her have at least grown.

Would loving her mean that I'll want Alayna as a secondary forever? I honestly don't know. For now, I'm very happy with this arrangement.

I do know I want Alex to stay my primary and my wife, no matter what. But co-primaries are a thing, and I'm open to that. Polygamy? Not so much...

But anyway.

Dealing in the what-ifs is a fool's game. My crystal ball's in the shop for repairs, and without that, all I can do is speculate.

What about Alex and I's feelings?

Regarding mine:

A major tenet of polyamory is the concept of abundant love. I still have tons of love to give. Besides, whether or not I love Alayna is irrelevant to my love for Alex. I still love her and want to be with her. So in short: my feelings for her are no different.

As for Alex's feelings:

I expect her to be jealous. That's a normal reaction in all polyamorous relationships. I hope she realises that my love for her is absolutely unchanged: undiminished, and still just as intense. I adore her with every fibre of my being. She's my wife, after all, and that hasn't changed one bit in my mind.

So, do I love Alayna?

The answer is: "I think that if I'm not in love, then I'm falling in love. So... maybe?"

My own experience is irrelevant here, because well, I find it difficult to distinguish love and infatuation myself.

I think I need more time to be certain. I know I don't feel the same way about her as I do Alex.

I could compare this to past relationships, but I don't know how my feelings for Alayna compare to my exes, to be honest.

My current relationship with Alayna remains unchanged. I have no real desire to stop, or I would. I do want to take it easy, though, which I have been. The last thing I want is a loss of inhibition like I had at New Years and wound up having sex with her (this is a big motivation for me quitting alcohol, incidentally).

The ultimate answer I really want though isn't so satisfying:

Wait and see.

19 january 2019

Feels for 19 January 2019

Where to begin for today's feels...

I'm feeling rather smitten. Waiting for Alayna to get back from Louisiana so I can hug her again. I miss her...

I fell off the wagon yesterday. I'm trying to climb back on. Hopefully I can stay on this time. Nothing is guaranteed when you're an alcoholic.

I'm still not sure if I love Alayna or if I'm still infatuated. Time will tell I hope. It's not the same love as I have for Alex, but it's there... I think.

I'm stressed about the government shutdown. What if SNAP doesn't come in March? How will I eat? What the fuck will I do? The food banks will be packed to the brim with hungry mouths... I'm fucking terrified. Fuck 45. Fuck his damn wall. Fuck being broke.

As always, still wondering what the fuck to do with my life... Go back to med school? Get an engineering degree? I don't know. I do know I need to stop being a NEET.

Monday I will have an appointment to hopefully fix my hypothyroidism. I'm going to ask about going on Prazosin full-time, since it seems to help with my C-PTSD episodes, reduces the zoomies and hyperviglance, etc. I hope this can put me on the road to employment.

Alex read some body horror and she's really sensitive to that kind of thing. Ugh. I don't know how to help her.

I "fixed" the attic ladder today. I tightened up all the loose bolts. Hopefully it doesn't break on anyone or something.

Got a new desk for the garage and found a spot to put it next to the server rack. I plan to turn it into a work bench. Alayna can also use it for her laptop when she feels the need to introvert.

I swept up some of the garage and did more laundry. I still need to find a place to put kaniini's so Alayna can use the garage to introvert, and also vacuum the rug. I'll do that when I wake up, if I remember...

Life is so full of uncertainty... just gotta go with the flow. Maybe. It's worked for me so far, I guess. But it's left me feeling unfufilled.