28 march 2019
Bad Mental Health Season
Warning: This post discussess suicide and suicide attempts in detail.
Over the past month, the stress and anxiety of life has gotten to me a lot. It's
literally destroying my relationships and almost myself at one point. I guess I
can try to make a coherent feels post about what's been going on, but it's
likely to just be a ramble...
But maybe it will be cathartic.
Suicidal thoughts and an attempt
I've had mild ambient suicidal thoughts since November, but lately they've come
to a head. I finally snapped two weeks ago and actually tried. I tied a noose
with an electrical cord, hung it on a hook in the foyer with a square knot...
The hook bent and I was touching the ground. Attempt failed.
My neck was killing me and I tasted plasma. Pretty familiar stuff, given I've
tried this a few times.
I ran to Alayna, who was the nearest person, to talk about what the fuck I just
did. I wasn't sure what the fuck to feel, but I knew that what I just did was a
pretty bad fucking thing. She already hasn't been doing great (in part due to
me, I'll explain), and this attempt just made it so, so much worse.
The next day, my roommates and Alex all basically sent me to the local mental
hospital. I told the interviewer about my plans whilst eating a bag of snack
mix, calm and collected. I described how I felt everything in my life was
useless and how I was a heavy burden. They sent me home with a "safety plan,"
essentially meaning Alayna and Alex had to be with me at all times. Fucking
Hell, I can't stand the lack of privacy, privacy I literally can't have, for
my own good. All to save me from mysellf.
Anxiety and other bullshit
As long as I can remember, I've had issues with anxiety. But lately, it's just
gotten so much worse. It's hit Alayna hard, who has had to bear the brunt of my
irrational anxiety about our relationship (Alex is unfortunately extremely used
to this). Everything makes me anxious and paranoid. I'm always afraid people are
going to leave me, that people don't love me or care about me, that people want
me dead. I've drank more than I should have, albeit not at alcoholic levels,
just to feel normal.
I saw a therapist a few days ago, who nailed my anxiety issues down to a T. She
hypothesised that my issues with MDD are related to anxiety. She's right. It's
been a problem for years, and it gets worse from time to time, especially when
I don't have enough space.
I really need to learn how to deal with this anxiety or it will continue to rule
Lack of space and too much going on
Ever since Alex has arrived, and especially since Alayna has arrived, I've not
given myself the space I need to decompress. I need periodic alone time, usually
for only a day or two. When I don't get it, I tend to become even more anxious.
I suspect that this is the real cause of everything coming to a head lately.
So to help (albeit not cure or really address the underlying problems), I've
voluntarily given myself some space from Alayna, and as much as possible given
the safety plan, Alex (we share a room but that doesn't mean I can't do my own
thing alone). I've been keeping busy with household tasks as well, which give me
periodic bouts of alone time and keep my mind off things. It's a good outlet for
anxiety, and also helps get things done that have needed to get done.
Last week, we decided to move to a bigger room in the house. Even though I don't
generally handle big changes well, especially regarding location, I've actually
found that moving into a bigger room with more space has helped me immensely. I
don't feel jammed into a small space anymore. Alayna can actually be in here
without it feeling extremely crowded. I can get out of bed without disturbing
Alex. It's fucking amazing and I love it.
Hope for the future
I think I can get better. I'm getting the help I need now, from competent
professionals. Thank Eris for that.
So I guess I can say that although things have been shitty, I have reason to
believe they can get better.
05 february 2019
Fedi, sleep, and name feels
Three short things today.
Fedi doesn't feel like a very safe place for people who are trans and straight
or masculine. The amount of bias against straight people and men disturbs me.
I'm sure there's mental gymnastics of "well, I didn't mean trans people!"
there, but that doesn't really make it okay. It's no more okay than being
ironically racist is okay, or mad at all black people "except a few cause
It upsets me a lot because a lot of my trans friends are exactly these types. I
don't want to invite them to fedi because I don't want them to feel unwelcome.
Non-24 really fucking sucks. I feel like Alayna and Alex are chasing the wind
all the time trying to keep up with me. Non-24 destroyed my relationship with
Anna. Anna tried to keep up. It impacted their health badly. But trying to
sleep normally impacted mine just as badly.
But if they don't, they won't see me a lot, because I'll be asleep when they're
awake and vice versa...
Non-24 is ruining my life and I can do absolutely nothing to stop it.
I was going to change my name this month, but I decided to hold off on it,
since a friend promised to pay for it. Alex is getting hers done before me.
I've been waiting 10 years and it feels so unfair. But most of those 10 years
were me just being too chickenshit.
This is probably part of my greater trans feels that I finally feel like I can
be myself now that I have other trans people IRL to support me. Having a mutual
support network feels amazing. All trans people should have one. They deserve
28 january 2019
Flaws in partners, and also love feels
Two big things I want to talk about.
Co-dependency and accepting your partner's flaws
Someone's posts on fedi today reminded me of all those past partners I would
often put on pedestals and ignore their flaws. I wanted to believe in their
perfection, and when they turned out not to be perfect, or they up and left,
it would be impossible to let go.
Putting partners on pedestals leads to the road of co-dependency. This is
really not a good road to go down. I've been down it a few times. I've had
people become co-dependent on me. My life has a trail of exes that illustrate
this all too well.
It's important to remember no one is perfect; this is the nature of being
human. Accepting this is an important part of maturity. Everyone has flaws.
For a relationship to work, you have to remember your partner is going to
let you down, that you're going to let them down, you're going to argue,
you're going to disagree, and that these are all normal parts of
relationships. It doesn't illustrate a deeper-seated problem, although these
are all problems you're going to face at one time or another. God knows I
But this is about my feels, not about me pontificating. I am going somewhere
I always remember my partners have glaring flaws.
For instance, take Alex. She has severe abandonment issues. She won't let me
have sex with Alayna yet because she's afraid I'm going to leave and not come
back. She has issues in the sack related to dysphoria. Her self-image is
terrible. She's in near constant pain. She sometimes annoys me with her
nagging. She gives in way too much to people out of fear of stirring the pot.
And then there's Alayna. She has severe alcoholism that is statistically
likely to relapse at any time. She's very impulsive. She's neurotic about the
strangest things. She is very quiet and introverted to the point she doesn't
want to snuggle a lot. It's hard to keep her attention for more than a minute.
But I'm not perfect. I have issues with my very short fuse. I'm extremely
impulsive. I'm an alcoholic. I do stupid things like burn cotton balls soaked
in everclear in a shot glass. I'm overweight as a result of unhealthy habits.
I'm in near constant pain. I can't focus for more than a few minutes on
anything, unless I develop some kind of hyperfixation. I exist in a constant
state of fatigue.
But flaws are just one part of a person. My partners are more than their
flaws. I love them anyway, despite them. But accepting flaws means
acknowledging their existence.
Alayna is back in Tahlehquah today to clean her parent's house. I don't miss
her a super lot, but it's been less than a day. I'm going to get her in about
We're coming up with a way to bring her mattress here.
I had an asthma attack last night requiring hospitalisation. She was there by
my side the entire time along with Alex. It felt absolutely amazing having her
there by my side during a really tough time.
The day after my love post, I told her I loved her. She told me, "I love you
Yesterday, she said, "I love you" unprompted. I told her, "I love you too." I
felt like I was gonna melt.
So I guess you can say that's going well.
Alex says she's getting more comfortable with the idea of us having sex. I'd
be lying if I said I didn't wanna smash. But I also don't want to rush Alex
into it. It'd be nice for her to say yes for my birthday (Valentines Day).
24 january 2019
Life bullshit this past few days
Oh BOY lots of feels...
Alayna moving in
Alayna is moving into our garage. I hope it's an opportunity to improve her
life. It helps her get out of that house with two parents whom she has nothing
in common with. It's not that they're bad people, of course. It's just they're
totally different from her. This doesn't really have anything to do with our
relationship, of course. This is just a better arrangement for her. But I'd be
lying if I said I didn't really like it... I just hope nobody gets the
impression we're moving too fast. It wasn't even me who suggested it, it was
More stuff with Alayna
I've given her my prescriptions and an inhaler. I guess she really is part of
my life now. I've been saying I love her more and more. Nothing reciprocated
yet... but I didn't really expect that. It's more me testing the waters. I've
always said the best way to figure something out is to just try it.
I've begun calling her pet names besides friendo like babe and sweetie. I still
need a distinct one from Alex.. She called me babe earlier and I swear to God I
was gonna melt on the spot *squee*.
I'm getting put on a low dose of thyroid hormone as soon as my results get faxed
over from Planned Parenthood to my doctor. Fucking finally. Hopefully I can feel
Less good news
I got diagnosed with moderate Alcohol Use Disorder. I was told in no uncertain
terms that if I don't stop drinking, I'm going to die, because of interaction
with my meds. Holy fuck. That's a Hell of a wakeup call. I don't know what to
say yet, or think.
Things are really weird and stuff right now. Mostly positive stuff.
Hope things keep looking better.
20 january 2019
Is It Love or Is It Infatuation?
Alayna is back in Oklahoma. I think she fell asleep. That's fine. I want her to
get some rest. She desperately needs it. <3
Do I love Alayna or do I not? I've done a lot of reflection on this topic today.
It's been said one can't really assess if you're in love or if you're just
smitten until after the fact.
So... I'm gonna make a really long feels post about it.
Signs of infatuation
It's said infatuation often involves putting a person on a pedestal, having
illusions that the person is perfect or has no flaws. I know she has many
problems, ones I'm not going to be able to fix. There's problems I'm not sure
she can fix. I accept her anyway despite them.
It's also said that infatuation is unlike love in the sense that love means
learning to accept that the other isn't perfect. Love persists, even after
one has been disappointed and has disappointed the other. She's let me down
before. I've let her down before. Severely so, in fact. It's bound to happen
again, to both of us. That's just the way things are. Neither of us are
perfect, after all. And that's fine. I expect nor demand perfection.
It's also said infatuation lasts less time than love. I mean, it's been 20
days, so I don't really know if it meets that criteria. Time will tell...
Most of what I've read about infuation boils down to these few things,
essentially. I'm sure an entire book could be written on the topic, but it
would ultimately produce more heat than light.
How would this affect the long-term?
I know damn well that this relationship may not last the rest of our lives. I
told Alayna that a long-term committment wasn't necessarily what I was looking
for. I'm still not sure I'm after that.
I remember that I came into this a lot like the song by The XX,
Dangerous. Those were my initial feelings.
But now? The more I think about it, the more I realise that losing her would
hurt. A lot. That's probably a sign that my feelings for her have at least
Would loving her mean that I'll want Alayna as a secondary forever? I honestly
don't know. For now, I'm very happy with this arrangement.
I do know I want Alex to stay my primary and my wife, no matter what. But
co-primaries are a thing, and I'm open to that. Polygamy? Not so much...
Dealing in the what-ifs is a fool's game. My crystal ball's in the shop for
repairs, and without that, all I can do is speculate.
What about Alex and I's feelings?
A major tenet of polyamory is the concept of
abundant love. I still have tons
of love to give. Besides, whether or not I love Alayna is irrelevant to my love
for Alex. I still love her and want to be with her. So in short: my feelings
for her are no different.
As for Alex's feelings:
I expect her to be jealous. That's a normal reaction in all polyamorous
relationships. I hope she realises that my love for her is absolutely unchanged:
undiminished, and still just as intense. I adore her with every fibre of my
being. She's my wife, after all, and that hasn't changed one bit in my mind.
So, do I love Alayna?
The answer is: "I think that if I'm not in love, then I'm falling in love.
My own experience is irrelevant here, because well, I find it difficult to
distinguish love and infatuation myself.
I think I need more time to be certain. I know I don't feel the same way about
her as I do Alex.
I could compare this to past relationships, but I don't know how my feelings for
Alayna compare to my exes, to be honest.
My current relationship with Alayna remains unchanged. I have no real desire to
stop, or I would. I do want to take it easy, though, which I have been. The
last thing I want is a loss of inhibition like I had at New Years and wound up
having sex with her (this is a big motivation for me quitting alcohol,
The ultimate answer I really want though isn't so satisfying:
Wait and see.
19 january 2019
Feels for 19 January 2019
Where to begin for today's feels...
I'm feeling rather smitten. Waiting for Alayna to get back from Louisiana so I
can hug her again. I miss her...
I fell off the wagon yesterday. I'm trying to climb back on. Hopefully I can
stay on this time. Nothing is guaranteed when you're an alcoholic.
I'm still not sure if I love Alayna or if I'm still infatuated. Time will
tell I hope. It's not the same love as I have for Alex, but it's there... I
I'm stressed about the government shutdown. What if SNAP doesn't come in March?
How will I eat? What the fuck will I do? The food banks will be packed to the
brim with hungry mouths... I'm fucking terrified. Fuck 45. Fuck his damn wall.
Fuck being broke.
As always, still wondering what the fuck to do with my life... Go back to med
school? Get an engineering degree? I don't know. I do know I need to stop being
Monday I will have an appointment to hopefully fix my hypothyroidism. I'm going
to ask about going on Prazosin full-time, since it seems to help with my C-PTSD
episodes, reduces the zoomies and hyperviglance, etc. I hope this can put me on
the road to employment.
Alex read some body horror and she's really sensitive to that kind of thing.
Ugh. I don't know how to help her.
I "fixed" the attic ladder today. I tightened up all the loose bolts.
Hopefully it doesn't break on anyone or something.
Got a new desk for the garage and found a spot to put it next to the server
rack. I plan to turn it into a work bench. Alayna can also use it for her laptop
when she feels the need to introvert.
I swept up some of the garage and did more laundry. I still need to find a place
to put kaniini's so Alayna can use the garage to introvert, and also vacuum the
rug. I'll do that when I wake up, if I remember...
Life is so full of uncertainty... just gotta go with the flow. Maybe. It's
worked for me so far, I guess. But it's left me feeling unfufilled.