It's been a long time since I posted here. Things are different. I am trying to ensure I stay sane. I went from being a depressive to being an anxious person. I am nervous a lot of the time over pretty useless things.

I was in love with someone for a long time. I still love him as a friend. He was probably the greatest love I'll ever know. I had to let him go because he wanted something else, something other than a love relationship.

I'm working for Airbnb these days. I like my job, but it is the hardest job I have ever had. It is an easy job though! It just usually involves a lot of planning and hyper-communicating, which is something I'm not used to doing. I've worked in tech almost seven years now, and it is honestly surprising how many people don't care about you despite saying they do... I don't like to be lied to so much in this job. Part of it also involves not really caring so much about the job to begin with.

I am glad to say I am getting back into writing again. I wrote a book in 2021 and published it in 2022. I am working on just one more short story. I will continue to write for as long as I need to. It is the one thing keeping me sane these days.

Four albums into my music "career" now and I still feel a little silly about it. My brother bought a digital copy of my first album from Bandcamp recently and it was gratifying but also all $5 went to Bandcamp because I owed them money from selling a couple tapes months ago, because the money from physical sales went directly to my PayPal account. My spouse thinks by now I've put enough work into my music that I should be actually making money from it, and the fact that I'm not making money from it means I need to promote my work more. But the fact is I'm not sure what more I can really do in that regard. My music is on Bandcamp where people can buy it. I've got videos up on YouTube, which tend to get single-digit views in the first week or month after uploading. My first three albums are on all the streaming platforms, and my fourth was released by a well-regarded small label. It seems to me that money follows an audience, and beyond the gradual social networking I've tried to do regarding my music I don't know what more I can do to grow that audience. All I can do is to keep making sounds I like, packaging them up neatly with fun little album covers for listener consumption, and reaching out to say, "Hey, here's some more sounds I've made!" Regardless of the money, it will feel worthwhile to me if people are hearing and feeling these sounds, and the music is affecting people other than myself. But making that happen also requires maintaining a level of self-promotion.

Something that has changed is that a few radio programs have shared my music now. I've caught a couple of them on internet radio but they've also broadcast over the air locally in the Germany, the UK, and Australia. Which is really cool. And I think that's a result of having this label that's recognized in the experimental music scene release an album of mine. I just did a little five-minute atmospheric IDM/ambient kind of track, something I find entrancing and moving in a very particular way, and now I'm dealing with the delayed gratification of not immediately sharing it all over the internet because I'm hoping to make it part of something bigger (another album) and hoping it will be heard more that way. But I'm also pretty uncertain about whether that will pay off, whether more people really will hear it as a result of it going on another album.

Recently I burned CDs of my albums to send to my grandparents because I can't reasonably expect them to get them from Bandcamp or whatever. I get a real kick out of sharing music (my own or otherwise) on tangible media like that. Lately I listen to more music on cassettes than on any internet music-streaming service, not because it sounds any better (it really doesn't) but because I tend to listen to albums and compilations anyway and I like the experience of having this dedicated physical thing to hold my music, of picking up a tape with the intention of listening to precisely the music that is on that tape and loading it into a portable cassette player that is just going to play the tape and can't get any notifications from GMail or Al Jazeera or anything no matter what I do. There are a number of little music labels that do creative cassette, CD, even MiniDisc releases for people who like physical formats like this, and sometimes I think I could almost run one. After I noticed that the track lengths of my fourth album don't line up just right for perfect gapless playback on a CD, I learned more about CD audio standards and now I could produce a CD with that perfect gapless playback. And I'm pretty proud of the cassette releases I put together for myself. But being able to make the things doesn't mean I know how to sell them. Most of my tapes still just aren't selling, and I only made very small batches of them to begin with. It's all very well to live and learn when it's my own sales at stake, but I couldn't take that chance with other people's music releases.

Money's kinda tight around the house between inflation and some unusual expenses we're recovering from: an emergency vet visit for the cat (he's fine now) and a weekend hotel stay so we could bring the kids to my brother's wedding in New Hampshire (it was nice, but even the cheapest hotel rooms we could find to fit all of us were not cheap). In fact inflation has been high enough that, mathematically speaking, the raise I got with a promotion at my day job in January doesn't fully compensate for it, and management tells me there's not enough money in the budget to bump my salary up closer to the average. I want to spend less time thinking about money but it keeps becoming important.

The kids are back in school, which since we're doing that at home means my partner is doing more formal curriculum work with them again. (Mostly the six-year-old, but the almost-two-year-old is in on some of it too.) They are a handful, particularly the younger one, who is more adventurous and has less of a common sense for self-preservation.

I'm starting to feel a little feral from having been inside at my desk or trying to get the toddler to stop eating markers all the time. I prefer to take nice walk around town every day but I haven't managed to get out for it in weeks. We'll see about it today.

Well, it looks like it's been around 4 years since I last posted a feel? That's a long time.

I'm not even sure what I want to write here, I just know that I really wanted to write something down.

This is feels, so what am I feeling? Complex feelings abound.

First, I am tired. There's an element of physical tired, but I also feel a touch of mental rundown. I don't sleep well in the best of times, and the last couple nights have been a bit restless.

I feel pressure lately to prove to myself that I can actually program. Funny, I've worked in tech for more than 20 years now, and I still feel that imposter syndrome so strong.

But, I also feel pretty good. I am respected and appreciated at home and at work. There are many hobbies to pursue and entertainment to consume. I wish I could output more creativity, but I haven't been feeling inspired much lately.

This has been a small update. Hope y'all are doing alright!

Hey!

I’m still there, I’m now 23, and quite some stuff happened.

I talked about being an apprentice at a company named SES Nouvelle in my previous post. Well, this company closed (we learned the news in december 2019), so I had to find a new one to finish my apprenticeship in. This whole period was quite hard for me, the people at SES Nouvelle didn’t help me at all and I was left alone with no financial help whatsoever. There was kind of a big injustice there but nothing I could do about it, so I left and continued in a company named Sectronic. Everything went well in that company, I actually found some old colleagues from SES, and after a year they offered me to continue working for them, so I accepted and am now an Embedded Systems Engineer since two months.

I’m very happy about the end of my studies and am overall happier than I was these last three years. One sad detail is that after almost 7 years, my girlfriend and I separated. I initiated it but I guess it was a common decision. She wasn’t really there when I needed her, she got disinterested with time, became more independant in a way that left her relationship on the side… I am very invested in my romantic relationships and need to have that same vibe on the other side. I’m much happier in a relationship than alone, I know how to make my girlfriend happy, I’m very passionate and romantic, but I need my girlfriend to also be invested in a way that she wants to build and make evolve that relationship. So anyway, I’m alone right now, hence pretty sad on the love side of things. I have a crush since a few months but it’s not going very fast, she doesn’t live here and I lack some confidence as always (especially since my previous relationship started degrading, makes sense), so I have no idea if she is like “out of my league”, maybe not interested in a relationship right now, etc. Anyway, we’ll see, I’ll have to try things out. My two previous girlfriends got interested in me first so it was easier, but it won’t always happen and let’s hope I have my chances to be liked by someone and make that person as happy as ever.

On another note, my motivation for my personnal projects has kind of died with Covid (because oh yeah, that happened in-between). It slightly is coming back, but work also takes me quite some time. I’d like to showcase a new project at Monts’ Young Inventors show, I’d like to work more on my Twitch channel (maybe YouTube), but I really need some viewership and it’s hard to get when you’re starting out especially today, I’m too late. I’d still like to create my own company at some point (let’s seriously hope it works out if I do go on that path, but I’m really interested in that and have some ideas about a more risk-free kind of company in tech). I might go showcase some of my projects on the Récap show of the LeStream Twitch web TV. Really excited about it!

See you next time! :-)

i cant stay in these diggings long few days, few days i can't stay in these diggings long and i am going home

We're all stuck in The Great Lockdown for now. I was looking forward to a bunch of events this spring / summber. Working from home and staying in is REALLY good for my pocketbook, not so good for my sanity.

Hey, Town.

Sorry, no poem today.

Also sorry I haven't been around for a while. Life's been kinda busy.

Anyway, um, I'm semi-regularly blogging about surviving the global pandemic in semi-isolation, on my Gopherhole here at Town. You should check it out, if you're into that kind of thing. One of the more recent entries includes a cookie recipe that's pretty good, if you bake in non-stoner ways.

-Leo

Dim morning light filters through the window of my sparsely decorated and yet somehow too messy room, pushing its way past the clouds and smog to break my hungover sleep.

I don't want to be awake yet. It's only 7. It's the weekend. I'm still exhausted. I fight my way back to sleep, get another hard-fought forty minutes, forty more winks.

9 am, back awake. Tired but I don't have the energy to fight for sleep anymore. There's a text on my phone from the girl half a state away. She's getting ready for a day with no breaks, I'm not sure what I'll do with mine.

My roommate's bedroom light is on. It was on when I came home, too. They seem to be able to sleep through anything. Part of me is impressed. Part of me is thinking of the coming electric bill.

Holding a towel against my breast I scurry to the bathroom, might as well get the day rolling. My facial hair grows slower these days, thnks to a healthy regimen of spironolactone and estradiol. I shave as ritual, shower, let the steam fogging my mirrors envelop me like a warm blanket.

I dig a bra out of the pile of clothes on the floor. Throw on a flannel. I'm not expecting to do much of anything today. I haven't even put on pants yet, I'm just taking my time. Reading twitter. Browsing my podcast feed for soemthing good. My mind wanders.

The doorbell chimes so loudly I wonder if it's inside my own head. Weird. I'm not expecting a delivery. Maybe a mistake? I lazily look for a pair of pants, still scrolling on my phone.

ding-dong. ding-dong!

The person in the hall tries for my attention again, urgency mounting. I find some pants, shout "Just a moment!" as I scramble to pull them on.

There's a delivery. A brithday present from my parents. Not an unwelcome surprise. I try to block the view inside my apartment with my body as I take the delivery. Clean is not a word I'd use to describe the scene.

"Sorry to ask this, do you mind if I use the restroom?" the delivery person asks, as if reading the part of my mind that concerns itself explicitly with what it doesn't want.

"No, no, that's fine. I hope you'll excuse the mess --," they dash into the restroom before I get the full sentence out. Great.

"Y'know, you're definitely a bachelor. I mean, look at this place" they say, coming out of the restroom.

"Ah... yeah, it's a bit of a disaster area. Roommate just moved in, I swear it was cleaner before..." I say holding back a twinge of shame and anger. Bachelor? I know for a fact my bra is on the floor of that bathroom.

The delivery person leaves. I try to swallow the exchange and move on. Food. I need food. I'm already dressed, so, might as well just grab my purse and leave. Go to the corner bar -- they serve brunch on weekends.

As I leave I catch my reflection. The delivery person's words ring in my mind. Bachelor. Maybe I should wear some makeup.

Screw it. I'm hungry.

Bar's mostly empty so I grab a cup of coffee and climb onto a stool. "Grilled cheese and mimosa, thanks". Comfort food.

Some time later, a waitress comes by with my food. "Sorry sir, mind moving your stuff?" There's no one near me. I hardly have an appetite.

I rush through brunch. Leave a 20 on the bartop and leave. Coffee, coffee solves all. I walk to the coffeeshop up the block while the delivery person and waitress' words bounce around my brain. Great. It's one of those days.

I may be getting too old for this :)

Late night on call seems to get harder and harder.

Maybe it's just me and I need to suck it up and deal. This job gives me and my lovely wife a really nice life and a shorter path to retirement.

Everything has its price I suppose :)

Small updates to tcoin

tcoin now shows the last 10 messages instead of the last 10 lines of messages.

It does this by ignoring the newline that separates a transaction line from the message line. The algorithm uses newlines to track messages, but counts 0 newlines for "\n" and 1 newline for "\n\n" (where \n means newline). This means that a message accompanying a transaction (which shows up as "\n_\n\n" will be seen by the algorithm as "_\n". This way, even transactions with messages (these span three or more lines) look like a single newline-suffixed lines to the algorithm.

tcoin now breaks down how the number of tildecoins you have was determined.

The number of tildecoin is base_amount + transfers + tildegame_amount + dailyadventure_amount. The base amount is 1000, which is the number of tildecoins that every account begins with. transfers is the net amount of tildecoins received. If more are received than sent, then transfers is positive. If the opposite is true, then it is negative. When both are equal, it is zero. tildegame_amount is the your tilde score in the !tilde game on #bots in the tilde.town irc. This game was created by ~krowbar. dailyadventure_amount is the coins you earn in the daily adventure game. This game is can be played by running da in the terminal. It was created by ~troido.

Those are the only two updates to tcoin. There was also some refactoring done, but the code is still spaghetti bolognese (and not the tasty, melts-in-your-mouth kind).

henllooooo

i am back from a long absence

i've been working on tilde.team stuff, mastodon, pleroma, irc (mostly stuff with thelounge and tilde.team webchat)

good to be back :)

Concept: You're sitting on a beach on an unnamed Pacific island, your manservant has your phone and will let you know if something important comes up, you have the right amount of sunscreen on, you have a your drink of choice and 3 or 4 different interesting novels within reach.

Enya is playing. In the distance, a dinghy full of dogs approaches.

18:28

let's see. I finally worked out which pharmacy I'm gonna get my hormones from now that it matters since I got kicked off my parents' insurance. almost out of Vyvanse but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it? that's not gonna be fun.

also, school's been out for two days in a row because it randomly got so cold that there's ice on the roads. rip. and both days they were originally just gonna delay it but then I found out they actually switched to full-on cancelling. so, semester's been Very Weird so far.

23:19

I made over $100 camming tonight! it's good to be back :') camming is, out of all the jobs I've had, legitimately both the one I've enjoyed the most and the one I've made the most money doing. I'm gonna try getting back into it, but it's gonna have to be sporadically because my grandma kinda hovers a little, heh.

01:29

I think I'm developing a crush on someone, FUCK

14:16

first calculus class today. I was late but only by a few minutes so I didn't really miss anything. I really like my professor! he's a grad student and seems super cool. after class I went to the math department office to actually have the meeting to talk about whether I'm ready to take calculus and the person I talked to seemed encouraged that I didn't feel completely lost on the first day. she also liked that I'm majoring in sociology and minoring in computer science. well, specifically, she seemed a little confused (understandably) when she asked what I'm majoring in and I said sociology (so why do I want to take calculus?) but then I explained that I'm minoring in computer science and she said that that's a good way to make myself marketable because there's not a lot of people in sociology with a computer science/math background. which is certainly a refreshing change from the usual "but what are you gonna doooooooo with a sociology degree? why don't you major in comp sci and minor in sociology?" also, apparently the guy teaching my class is well-respected in the math department as someone who's really good at helping people understand stuff, so that's good! today started off a little weird (I fucked around too much instead of actually getting ready and stuff) but I'm feeling good now :)

New Year's Resolutions

They say encryption is hard

Encryption is hard. I've started and failed before. I had to revoke my keys so often, and just as often I've been unable to revoke them...

Anyway, I resolve to create and maintain the facility to send and receive email securely, that is, to use GPG effectively, with the public key published appropriately, with backups of the private key, etc.

Previous attempts have shown me that I am able to maintain systems that I use. If nobody sends me any encrypted mail and nobody receives any from me, then I won't maintain the system... I'll forget the passphrase, for example... Would anybody like to be my crypto buddy? I imagine that would mean that about once a month, I'd encrypt a message for that person and decrypt one they wrote for me. This is akin to workout buddies who compel each other to go to the gym, I suppose.

Meatspace

Speaking of the gym, I also resolve to quit smoking and lose some weight.

The fleet

I'm going to catch up on technical debt regarding my various machines. Why does metalbaby still run i3 when every other machine is running stumpwm now? Laziness, that's why. I resolve to clean up my fleet.

Old disks

I also resolve to continue my backup/archival work. That box of harddrives isn't getting any more compatible with readily available hardware. ...Well, it's probably more possible to bit-bang IDE (not ATA) these days than ever before, but why bother when I can still locate physical IDE hardware? ...or can I?

the breath of the wild dlc came out and now that's sapping up my free time too aaa too many video games

recently i tried out mastodon, it's pretty cool but the interface kinda sucks

i never have enough to write in these posts and it makes me sad.

Well, today is a new day. I just uploaded my new project to GitHub (http://github.com/nekmit/PyCryptoCheck).

Lol I was working on this python tracker for windows. Everytime I wanted to use that percent symbol, it would give me errors. But I wasn't going to declare a variable.

Python...

Anyways. Seeya!

Where do I start ?

It has to start somewhere

...but what ?

wondering what to do about my vast array of too many sites all over the internet and almost kinda feel sometimes like starting with nothing & rebuilding. some things that keep me from doing that is that my :CL-HOMEPAGE package for common- lisp is neat & fun to have on the SDF but it's not as yet equipped to handle a blog-like interface. maybe working on a module that sorts such a thing out is a good next project. or maybe i should put :CL-HOMEPAGE on the backburner, as i'm quite veering away from the W3 altogether. i just started a new gopherspace at grex/cyberspace and love the protocol and system. maybe my web front should just mirror my new gopher. i don't know, a lot to think about.

How do you justify yourself to someone who does more than you have with less than you have?

I'm still making things and being frustrated when it is difficult to make things. Have to keep going. Keep making. Keep doing. Nothing makes me happier. ^ REMEMBER THIS ^