15 july 2019
one of those phases of having to write down extremely trivial things both so i
don't forget them and so i can have the near-instant fake dopamine rush of
crossing it off when i do it
feels good, but also feels bad
i'm feeling overwhelmed, but this will pass
10 july 2019
oops there's a big feels bug, i will fix it soon, hopefully this week!
hi feels i'm coming back down a little from a complicated and euphoric handful
of weeks/months and some things are scary and make me nervous but also i'm just
sort of bouncing my fingers up and down waiting for some limbo periods to be
i feel good, though. i feel like i'm slowly clawing my way back into myself. i
feel more myself than i dared to be.
27 june 2019
i feel like a long-time buried part of me has finally felt safe enough to resurface
a part of me that went into hiding to avoid being hurt by a terrifyingly harsh world
a seed, gently nurtured until it finally decided to sprout
i'm glad i've been patient
i'm glad it's still here
i don't know what this means
but i'm happy and calm.
\' | |'| .,
\ `| | |/ )
| |'| , /
|'| |, /
. , . ||| | ., .
^ ' ` '
14 october 2018
i started training myself on a screen reader again because sometimes staring at
the screen is awful and i'd rather be able to close my eyes or stare off into
space and have all the things in my computer conjured into my head in a
non-visual way. i want this space to open up so it is bigger than it looks when
it is contained on a screen, deeper than these panels that slide around, a
space with dimensions that cannot be explained because they are not flat or
linear or stacked.
but inputting that via text to speech is clumsy, and i'm not dedicated enough
to practice all the time, and so many things do not play well with screen
however, after trying to use ttbp with a screen reader, i think i should make a
more accessible option, because dear god having it read through the banner
image is torturous, confusing, and useless.
(edit to add: haha, i experienced this exact thought nearly a year ago to the
08 may 2018
i'm so exhausted i started filling the water chamber of my moka pot with coffee
grounds and didn't realize what was wrong until i was like 'gee this thing is
taking a lot more grounds than usual today what's up with that'
i gotta remember: just because i want to stop sleeping or cleaning or doing
anything besides a mad dash to complete things on my todo lists doesn't mean
that's the most effective way to get things done
everyone's gotta rest
everyone's gotta take care of themselves
i'm not immune to that. i do better work when i take care of myself.
01 may 2018
today is the second anniversary of the launching of the feels engine <3
here's the first post ever: http://tilde.town/~endorphant/blog/20160501.html
thank you everyone for feeding your feels to the feels engine!!!
i hope this machine continues to churn for as long as y'all want to use it
i have loved experiencing feels together
- 1692 individual feels
- 199 (151 of whom have posted at least once)
- average of ~11 feels per non-zero user
- average of ~2 feels per day
23 march 2018
THIS FRESH FEELS ENGINE FEELING
i'm trying hard, hard, to have patience and be forgiving and generous and kind.
some days, i'm exhausted. i'm scared for this world and everyone in it, but i'm
also trying to refuse to lose hope in it.
this world is too beautiful to give up on.
15 march 2018
be bold, start cold
an adage from a friend, about going outside
the worst part is the first moment of stepping into winter, feeling it pressing
through your clothes. of course it will reach your skin soon.
but you are a creature of fire, and you can stoke that furnace with your own
flesh and blood.
by the end of the first mile, i'm warm. i always have to remember that.
13 march 2018
current feel: blasting nirvana's in utero album while crafting the perfect text
to support the upcoming feature of purging all your feels here.
05 march 2018
sometimes it feels like my brain is stretched so tight, and these little bits
keep poking through the membrane. i sometimes remember things i thought i
forgot. i guess you never really forget, you just don't know that you remember.
been stuck in my head a lot lately, but it comes from getting sick of letting
things creep up on me
MAJOR NULL BURN IS MY OFFICIAL HACKER NAME
25 february 2018
that great feel of collapsing onto the mat with starry vision and noodly legs,
slugging water and pretzel sticks while your body remembers how to reconstitute
always gotta work hard, always gotta let my body know i love it
22 february 2018
i want to be better at:
- identifying, more quickly, when someone's lashing out at me not because of
me, but because of something that's hurting them;
- catching myself once that happens;
- not getting worked up about it or taking it too much to heart
this is a particular kind of empathy and quelling of an egocentric experience
that i know is historically very hard for me, but i think it will go a long way
in both keeping me calmer/healthier, and calming down my environment a little.
today, this came from me pushing back at someone (who is a contact at work
that's an external vendor and swings through once in a while for business) for
laughing at me and making comments about my wet clothes when i was getting into
work after biking through heavy rain. i'm always a little on edge when i see
this person coming down, because i've started anticipating negative exchanges
and it doesn't set us up to be nice to each other; this meant that as soon as i
saw them i was already bristling a little, and took those comments extremely
i don't think my response was particularly out of line, given the situation (i
very firmly told them not to laugh at me, and then made them wait for me to
finish getting myself settled before i would speak to them again and complete
our business), and i do feel good about being able to quickly establish a
boundary and enforce it; that's a response i've been cultivating for a really
long time, and i'm very glad it just activated without a lot of work from my
so the next step i want to work on is to not retreat into my head afterwards
and fume quietly about it. with this particular person, i'm aware of a general
disatisfaction with their situation, and that the frequent rude commentary
often comes from a sense of confusion or frustration; just because they don't
have a more productive way to communicate those feelings doesn't mean i need to
absorb all of that angst. if i can work to let this slide off me, i won't be
derailed as much when it happens, and i can spend more energy focusing on doing
things that improve my environment.
[ a general note on my pronoun usage; lately, i'm trying out omitting
references to a person's gender when it's not relevant to the current context,
especially when i effectively want to anonymize someone. i will do this
regardless of their presented gender or declared pronoun if that person is
never expected to be visible to people that might hear me. i'm not sure if this
is the right thing to do yet, but i'm trying it out for myself; if you have
strong feelings about this practice, i'd love to hear from you. ]
14 january 2018
feelin' cold; hiked 11 miles of winter trails at around 10F today. back home
safe, fed and bathed, tired and still a little shivery. can't wait to keep
working on getting better at this.
01 january 2018
i caught a bird with my hands today
(there's a bug with how the global feed handles posts that have been edited
after the original post date; the way i designed the global feed doesn't deal
well with post editing. this is something i'm intending to fix at some point! i
made a note for myself here: https://github.com/modgethanc/ttbp/issues/27 )
26 december 2017
there's a bug in the current settings menu since the last feels update that
means that publishing options aren't being saved correctly; if you're running
into problems, you can possibly fix them by manually editing your config file.
it's located at ~/.ttbp/config/ttbprc and you can look at
/home/endorphant/.ttbp/config/ttbprc for a reference to see what a correctly
publishing config file looks like.
sorry about this! my life is a bit hectic for a little while so i might not get
to fixing this for a week or two, but please feel free to send me tildemail or
ask in irc if you need help!
17 december 2017
threw a house party today and it was good. my partner and i do this once a year before we take off on holiday travel and it's always a little hectic, but a nice way to get our otherwise disjoint fiebd sets together.
i have to leave for an airport in a fww hours; i always get anxioys i'm gonna sleep through on the night before, but i actually love and thrive off the weird limbo state of transit.
some of my first tildetown experiences were thumbtyping in airports during holiday travel. i still cherish that.
09 december 2017
the current version of the feels engine now supports crossposting your posts
automatically to gopher! if you wanna learn more about gopher, drop by irc and
ask around <3
if anything breaks or acts strangely with this update, gimme a shout!
07 december 2017
crunch week crunch week crunch week!!!!!
sprint to the finish
05 december 2017
04 december 2017
i started playing animal crossing: pocket camp; it's cute as hell, but i'm kind
of frustrated with How Long everything takes, and how network-heavy every
single action is. it just feels super clunky and slow, and never really
satisfying enough for me to get anything done. this is kind of a weird feeling
for me because i like super tedious grinds that are almost all flavor, but it
doesn't really tick it for me? maybe i'm just not into the endless fetch quests
i guess. also the fact that each action has like, more time spent watching
little repetitive animations go by than actually performing actions.
(if anyone wants to add me, feel free; my code is 8873 9274 637 and my player
name is 'plinth')
29 november 2017
i tried a thing where i symlinked my .ttbp/entries directory to my
~/public_gopher directory, as a preliminary test for what it's like to have
feels in my gopherhole. you can check it out at
gopher://tilde.town/1/~endorphant/feels but i'm not 100% satisfied with it at
the moment; i kind of wish it displayed feels in reverse chronological order,
i'm still trying to get a feel for what gopherspace is; for me, it seems to
promote generating a lot of text-based content, in a way i've never felt
before. i kind of want to just dump a bunch of things from my brain into it,
but it also feels strangely exhibitionist? maybe it's just that i'm not used to
it, so i don't know how to think about it yet, so everything i do feels really
awkward and exposed.
28 november 2017
my mornings are slow; my stomach has a hard time settling down these days.
recently, i bought myself a yubikey and attached it to every service i use that
has u2f support. it's surprisingly satisfying to me, and appeals to a
particular cyberpunk part of my brain.
i'm reading lots of documentation on how to be a better programmer and how to
make better projects and how to work well with others and how to be a good
person and how to take care of yourself and i'm working on my brain and my body
and it feels okay. i've got a long ways to go, with everything. i'm cautiously
there's a lot of stuff that gets me down, and i'm learning how to let it
energize me instead.
my eyes are sore and i'm learning to use a screenreader and learning to let go
of what things look like, in favor of finding different ideas about what things
nothing is permanent.
hahaha okay i just tried to use the feels engine vanilla with a screenreader
and it's super illegible :/ i wonder what i would have to do to make it more
21 november 2017
this is a test post!
07 november 2017
[mild feeling-down vibes here]
v srry n fbsg-onq, yvxr n fyhttvfu qernq bs
yvxr na raqyrff pnainf bs bss-terl
naq v fnl vg'f orpnhfr v srry gur jvagre fxl
naq v fnl vg'f orpnhfr v srry gur qnlf fyvc ol
naq v fnl vg'f orpnhfr
gurer'f ab orpnhfr
05 november 2017
i made this so it would be easier for me to capture my feels and pin them into
a little box for display.
i'm not sure if it works all the time.
but it does make me feel better when ttbp thanks me for sharing my feels.
07 august 2017
hey tilders <3
i'm so glad to be back here after a long absence; i'm taking some time to get
caught up on all the new projects, expansions, users, etc. that have made their
way onto this little universe. i'm glad this place is here. i'm glad it's still
here and growing and feels good!
since i was last around, i guess:
- finished a semester with my first grad-level class; i am not an actual grad
student, i just get tuition reimbursements from my employer to take
courses, and i made the jump to grad courses to see if it was something i
felt suitable for me in the future. i keep thinking about going in for
history/anthropology/something in that vein, it just hasn't made sense yet.
the class went really well for me, even though it was a little intimidating
and way more time and work than i've put into an academic pursuit. i'll be
trying this again in the fall!
- i spent about a month with the us national parks service as an
artist-in-residence; this meant that i mostly got to hike around a bunch,
take photographs of rocks and trees, meet ecologists and learn about how
the planet works, teach some workshops on antiquated photographic
processes, give a few visiting artist presentations, etc. it was a really
intense experience, and i'm still processing it (both literally and
figuratively; i shot all film, so i've been in the darkroom more or less
nonstop to get through it)
- my residency was bookended by motorcycle trips since that's how i got
myself there; i learned a lot about how to do long, solo travel via
motorcycle. one of my long-term goals is to constantly improve my
motorcycle touring skills, and i've never felt better about myself.
basically, i feel good, i've taken a lot of my nervous spinning in circles
energy and pointed it towards concrete things and now i have a lot of excellent
feelings about working hard and doing more things in the future. a lot of the
world feels a little bit bad lately, and i think this is what i need to work on
in order to be my best person and be in a better position to be a force for
good and beauty and love <3
gosh i'm seriously off the deep end in peace love and dirty hippie right now,
and i don't even feel bad about it <3
thanks for reading <3 <3 <3
28 february 2017
i wonder what kind of person i'm supposed to be
i wonder that
i wonder what
i always believe i'll never be lost for long
i always know how good air feels
against my lungs
i always know a good sky when i see it
i know the dirt grinding into my heels
i feel that
i wonder what sort of person i once was
i wonder how i'll change
i wonder what
i'll take with me
when i move on
i know what i love to smell
i taste notes, sometimes
when the tone clicks into place
it's sharp on my tongue
i feel that
i wonder that
i wonder that
23 february 2017
hi! i'm so glad people are using ttbp. i haven't had a lot of time to keep up
with posts or working on new code, but here i am, i guess. a few months back, i
started writing up a longer post about ttbp, and never really finished it (*),
but i still wanted to say hi, so here's a few quick notes that i'm thinking
if you are interested in trying out a privacy feature, you can edit a file at
~/.ttbp/config/nopub to list files that will be ignored for writing to html
(check out mine at ~endorphant/.ttbp/config/nopub for reference); i intend to
actually write this into the interface someday, i just haven't had much time
to work on ttbp code lately.
IRC users: i made #ttbp; i'm not sure what it will be for yet, but there's
been interest in a channel for announcing new posts (which i would want to
make opt-in per user), general discussion about feels engining, dev
chatter/feedback, etc. i dunno, it's there now, come hang out :)
i'm logging issues/wip/thoughts on
github, in case you want to
check in on what i've been thinking about, or contribute. you are, of course,
always welcome to send me mail on ~town or through the ttbp feedback menu.
(*): if you're curious about it, the draft is at
13 december 2016
writing more on paper. want to have more feelings. feeling unproductive. gotta
!! CONTENT NOTE
this entry talks a lot about tattoos, and describes some potentially graphic
imagery (body or otherwise) relating to tattoos
i'm writing a paper on tattooing practices and indigenous identities and this
just makes my skin itch for more tattoo. i want images pounded into my skin,
shapes and lines that remind me of truths i have learned and growth i've
the more i read and think, the harder it is for me to see tattoo aversion as
much more than just another face of racism. not for people who don't want
tattoos of their own, i mean. i mean, people who take all tattoos as
representing something bad, something crude, something undesirable.
once, i was talking about my tattoos with a non-tattooed person, and after
listening for a while, his friend decided i was someone he shouldn't mess with.
'nah, nah,' the one i was talking with said. 'that's just someone who's learned
something about themselves. that's good. you don't have to know what it means.'
i have to think about what i've learned recently that needs to be on my skin.
that needs to be between my body and what is not my body.
some tattoos i've wanted recently:
- a really vivid/gross caterpillar; i am extremely phobic of caterpillars, and
i want to carry one with me all the time so i can look at it or think about
it whenever i want, and exert some control over that part of myself
- a moth; wherever i go, any time of the year, i look towards the moon every
night. i think about how that's the same moon everyone else sees when they
look up. i think about how the moon is cold and dead, but reflects enough
light from the distant sun that on some nights it's as clear as day.
sometimes, it's more clear than day.
- a flaming rabbit; there's a story about a rabbit that offers its body as
food, and i have a picture in my head of the rabbit diving into the fire to
cook its own flesh. there's another story about a rabbit that builds a wall
of tinder at the mouth of a cave in which a monster slept, and burned itself
in the process of killing the monster. i remember the first time i watched a
video of self-immolation as protest. i wonder if i will ever know if there's
a moment for me to stand up as a sacrifice.
- patterns; to fill in some space, to color in some skin. to forcibly change my
external appearance. when i was in high school, i'd sharpie across my arms
and hands, weaving patterns to calm myself. that they eventually faded away
was often a relief, because it gave me room to start over and correct
mistakes, but maybe i have grown enough to earn blocking in more parts
i miss the feeling of fresh ink spilling out of my skin while my body heals. i
can feel it, the slow rejection of extra material mixed with plasma. i bled
during my last tattoo; i felt it when the machine kicked too hard, and saw the
blood pooling around my tattooist's gloved fingers. during a previous session,
i'd asked him if it ever bothered him that he caused people pain when
tattooing. 'no,' he replied gently. 'i'm more worried i'll do a bad job and
mess up the tattoo.'
some pain is brief. some consequences last a long time. the part where i bled
is still visible to me; the lines there lose sharpness, spreading deeper into
my skin without the fine control of the patterns near them.
08 december 2016
i wish i could stop sleeping and stop slacking off and get lots of work done
07 december 2016
anthropology class today ended with a student asking how to be a good person.
that's a hard question to answer, but i'm glad people ask.
04 december 2016
there was an upgrade and ttbp still works! praise the tildes.
i am reaping the consequences of my past self's sloth, because with nearly 600
entries on ttbp, it now takes around 10-11 seconds to load the global feed. so,
here are some solutions i'm considering:
set a rolling cutoff date for how far back it checks for entries (since entry
date is encoded in filename, this should be fairly fast).
DOWNSIDE: what if no one posts for a long period of time? should the global
feed display only posts within the last, say, week?
whenever someone posts, queue that post onto a file that lists the 10 most
recent posts; the global feed reads this list instead of trying to generate
one from scratch.
DOWNSIDE: this excludes people who might edit/post from outside of the ttbp
make a cron job that cruises through all the entry directories and generate a
list of the most recent posts; combine this with the above option. this could
be a way to catch posts that fall through the cracks.
i've also opened this as a github
issue, which might be a better
venue to discuss this.
29 november 2016
today is pretty bad feels. i'm letting things get to me, and angry that they're
getting to me, and frustrated that i have to work this hard to keep things from
getting to me, and sad that i do not think there is a forseeable change.
i'm crawling up the front end of a cold and feeling tired and unproductive.
i'm scared and confused.
i'm reminding myself of how to keep calm and level.
22 november 2016
i'm writing a lot more, by hand, on paper, with ink. i enjoy the feeling of
physically flipping through the pages and reading the words a recent-past
version of myself wrote down. the quality of my handwriting hints to my state
of mind; the ink tells me which pen i used, which sometimes corresponds to a
time and place.
i alternate between drifting away from myself, and snapping back into a sharp
and present reality.
i am water, flowing ever towards the center of the earth, spreading to fill the
edges of my container.
16 november 2016
today i feel like everyone is asking me for more than i can give
15 november 2016
constantly swinging up and down, between feeling crushed and drained to the
core and feeling full of strength and love and energy. i'm riding out the lows
and using the highs to set myself up to keep momentum going. it takes time to
adjust. it takes time to adjust. it takes time to adjust.
my dogsittee is a devoted, attentive animal, and it's so wonderful to have her
at my feet.
i'm evaluating my priorities, constantly.
10 november 2016
i'm in a lot of pretty raw pain. it's bitter and quiet in here, where i'm
reminding myself to be patient and calm and to not lash out or assume ill will
of people who might not realize they're hurting me or others.
i'm always working on being the best person i can be. nothing has changed. but
now i can think more clearly about what's important to me, and what problems
there are for me to work on.
i still trust and believe that people can be good. i'm surrounded by love and
affirming compassion, and this gives me hope.
09 november 2016
Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"
---"The New Colossus", Emma Lazarus, 1883
08 november 2016
i voted today. it made me feel good and confident and grateful; i texted my
parents afterwards to thank them for working hard to make it here and have a
life here so that i could grow up and participate in a system that lets me have
a more meaningful say in my government than they ever had.
i hope everyone can be strong and brave and do what they think is right.
06 november 2016
i feel good againi feel good again!!
05 november 2016
have been having a hard time writing paragraphs or sentences and i'm saving
all that mana for a paper due this weekend.
i'm getting better at bullet pointing out things i want to write. it's a bit
lie doing a pencil undersketch before laying down ink. some days i'm good at
sketch and some days i'm good at ink, so i'm trying to recognize those modes
to better take advantage of them.
the hard drive on my 2008 era eeepc is probably actually toast. i'm doing my
paper on an external flash card so i'm less likely to lose progress. guess i
should really rehab my spare adopted machine soon!
03 november 2016
i'm being really gentle with myself today.
tomorrow morning, my friend is dropping off her dog at my house. i'm dog
sitting for about two and a half weeks, and i'm really looking forward to it.
the dog is a nervous old hound, and i've been their go-to sitter for the past
six or seven years.
i've spent a lot of time working with dogs, especially ones that are more
difficult to handle. i've never had my own dog.
i always feel honored when a dog that doesn't easily accept others allows me to
greet it on its own terms, and will come with me on a stroll.
i'm aware that i experience an inappropriately high amount of empathy, and this
makes some days hard for me. sometimes, i feel better if i can just step out of
my feedback loop a little, and sit with some dogs, who also experience
excessive empathy. standing next to a dog forces me to turn down the volume on
the more intrusive parts of my internal monologue, in a way that i cannot do if
i'm around humans.
i have a hard time communicating this to people.
02 november 2016
had a pretty bad head crash today. i've been feeling a slow spiral all week,
and i've been digging my claws in trying to slow it down.
maybe if i know i hit the bottom again, i can start brushing myself off and
climbing back up.
01 november 2016
on my list:
- learn more about using github by dumping all my ttbp production notes into
- learn about unit testing
- write up an essay about developing and using ttbp for the zine
i've stubbed out all the points i want to cover with my ttbp essay, it's mostly
a matter of filling in the gaps and actually punching it into a readable
format. i've been feeling really good about my writing lately!
27 october 2016
repeat to yourself that everything works out fine at some point
repeat to yourself
breathing slowly and carefully.
my calves ache and my eyes are dry and my shoulders creak and i know it's
because i love myself and work hard to become the best version of myself that i
i'm slowly following through on promises.
i don't always move very quickly.
one of those days when i compulsively open and close tabs. my helmet and jacket
are already on but i cannot peel myself away from the keyboard. i'm tapping my
feet, anxious to get home. i open my email again. i refresh a tab. i close this
tab. i power off the monitor, and open the laptop next to me.
everything will be okay.
25 october 2016
i'm coming out of a haze and life is feeling okay again. i'm reminding myself
to note when this happens so that in the future, i can believe myself when i
try to convince myself that this is possible.
i have 13 post-its on the wall over my desk; each one has the name of a
fellowship or residency that i think i can apply for, plus a couple of details,
and the application deadline. they're lined up in chronological order. i have a
deadline coming up next week. it feels good to stare at this wall, even though
i know i will have days when it seems crushingly stressful.
i've gotten back to being able to bear crossing things off to-do lists again;
for a while, i was only capable of slowly enqueuing things, but felt a
paralyzing and inexplicable feeling at the thought of both completing
individual tasks, and completing entire lists. i am afraid of running out of
things to do. i'm afraid i'll be bored and idle. when i'm not taking good care
of my head game, i cope with this fear by forcing myself to do nothing, as if
having a sense of control over the state of boredom could cure me of the fear
i can tell i'm doing better with my head because i'm able to articulate these
09 october 2016
i spent all day in my pjs, which happens about once a month for me. i did
laundry and i wrote a paper and drew a tapir and cooked some food and ate it
and put the rest of it away. i thought my 8 year old eeepc was finally going to
fall over because of persistent i/o errors, but the drive recovered on a
reboot. i put away some clutter in my pocket studio and listened to a lot of
music. i closed my chotchkies window because it was chilly. i can feel winter
creeping in, and it feels good.
06 october 2016
i'm having trouble getting feels into words and i keep hitting 'dd'.
i wrote this so that i would never feel like there was something between my
thoughts and putting them into text somewhere.
guess there are other barriers i haven't figured out how to get past.
04 october 2016
trying to get pagination working for reading entries; i didn't put this in from
the beginning because i was lazy and just wanted to get everything else going
first. now that there are lots more entries to read, and people writing
entries, it's getting hard to scroll through.
the user end is still a little rough, but at least it kind of works. try it out
on beta if you're interested:
and let me know what you think!
i had a couple moments of angst trying to get this working. a long time ago, i
wrote a giant, awkward perl script that does blog publishing, including tag
filters/listing and pagination, and i did it in basically one shot. i still get
this wall of frustration whenever i try to write anything recursive, because i
remember when i was first learning recursion, and how much it just wouldn't
stick. i had a lot of other shit going on around me that kept me from figuring
at this point in my life, i don't really ever need to write any code at all,
but i get a lot of pleasure from figuring out little things here and there. i
enjoy many parts of programming, and i'm pleased with my recent past self for
leaving enough breadcrumbs through my codebase so i can actually get back in
and add new things.
i briefly glanced at my old perl script for a good pagination reference, and
it's pretty much unreadable (then again, it's perl, which, as far as i can
tell, is never meant to be read again after the initial writing.)
30 september 2016
take a long, deep breath. feel it slide into your chest, pushing against its
bounds. inhale until it hurts. hold it there, a fluttering bird inside your
ribs, until you see stars. hold it tight. let the panic rise inside of you,
swelling until it competes for the space that breath is desperately trying to
let it go. if you love something, you have to let it go. you cannot keep it
inside you forever.
you can take another breath. you can let that one out. you can take another one
in. and then release that.
take a long, deep breath. let it fill your body. let your blood extract what it
needs. release what you cannot absorb.
take a long, deep breath. give yourself permission to let it go.
take a long, deep breath. release it before you are ready.
take a long, deep breath. let it go.
27 september 2016
there's a kind of depression i only feel when the weather is this beautiful
09 september 2016
im thumbtyping this over my slow friday morning coffee. i mostly listen to the
water pump running my neighbors koi pond, and the rough garble of an old
workvan trying to start up.
when its this overcast out, i lose track of the time passing. i want to start
ticking off tasks, but i cant quite bear to break the silence of having the
house to myself.
planes keep passing overhead while my stomach gurgles. i dont know where to go
from today, but tomorrow will roll in whether i want it to or not.
everything is narssicism. i dress to be seen, speak to be heard. there is
always the inevitable human desire to matter and feel valued. no one wants to
live in vain.
08 september 2016
i'm thinking about applying to mountaineering school this year. it's weekend
outings and weekday evening classroom sessions, plus a structured training
regimen, for four months. the graduation trip is on my birthday.
i've been feeling increasingly frustrated with my physical condition, because
i'm not getting closer to my goals. i spent a weekend climbing with a bunch of
new people, and it reminded me that there's always more work to be done, and
that it's up to me to find ways to squeeze it in with the rest of my life.
i'm taking an anthropology class with a professor that's new to me, and it's
kind of exciting.
i'm sketching out a few ideas for new photo projects. i'm considering giving
myself permission to officially shelve some old photo projects that have
obviously stalled, so i can move on.
life is complicated. planning is hard. i always feel like i'm running out of
hey! you know what i just remembered exists? the tilde town collaborative twine
that a bunch of us worked on a while back! according to my records, i started
writing for it in january 2015.
i've been thinking about collaboration a lot lately, and sketching out a few
ideas for things i want to try out.
here's my old blog entry from 5 january 2015:
friends, i am really excited about collaboration. i am even more excited
about disorganized, incidental, and mysterious collaboration. this is the
main draw of tildeverse for me.
i like when things have just enough structure to create the idea of a
context, but not enough structure to dictate exact terms of interaction. i
like examining patterns of what people do and i like thinking about what
sort of things can be built from those patterns that are greater than what
anyone things is possible.
i like when indirect actions are more meaningful than direct actions.
nethack empire is only
the beginning of scratching this itch; i am slowly learning more about what
this could become.
i learned about the tilde town twine
today, thanks to ~krowbar in irc earlier, and it is making my brain pace
restlessly. i want to build a metaverse. of what verse it will be meta-ing,
i am not yet sure.
thanks for being here, everyone. thanks for being here and doing things and
thinking about them.
i'm all about constant personal growth. i can feel good about what i've learned
in the past year and a half since then.
07 september 2016
the days are growing shorter; i always feel a desire for the long, lonely path.
winter will pass, but i do not want to waste another season.
TTBP DEV NOTES
stuff i'm thinking about, now that we're seeing more bugs/glitches:
- a post/list displayer that lets you scroll through long lists, instead of
just running everything off the page.
- i really want to have a slick curses interface, but i haven't made much
progress on figuring that out. i have some pagination code that i could
kludge in from another project, but then i'd have to figure out an
elegant way to capture commands
- figure out how to deal with filenames and edit times being out of sync
- currently, ttbp uses last edit time to handle display order; maybe have
it check to see if the edit time date doesn't match the filename spec,
and always have it list as if it was last edited on the date of the
- handle global feels listing more elegantly
- this is a major scaling issue that i'm paying for now because i was lazy
several months ago. the way global feels is sorted, ttbp goes through and
finds every single ttbp entry ever, then sorts them by last modified
time, then takes the top 10. this happens every time someone calls
global feels. a much better way to do this would be to maintain a file on
disk that list the path for the ten most recent posts, which gets updated
whenever someone updates a post, and then have global feels query that.
- the problem with that is that it will then definitely miss posts that
weren't written through the ttbp interface, and i don't want to exclude
people who might just want to write entries in their ~/.ttbp/entries
through a text editor outside of ttbp.
i'm starting to feel a little over my head with working on this; if anyone else
has feedback or thoughts, especially for code stuff (but just general comments
are great, too), please drop me a line! tildemail or pm on irc is probably the
best way to get a hold of me right now, since i'm a little more ephemeral here
as always, thanks for sharing your feels.
oh, for new folks: ~endorphant/bin/ttbp-beta exists :)
01 september 2016
i'm still not around here much; life's been a whirlwind of things. some of it
is strange, some of it is good, some of it is draining. the days turn. people
i'm still so excited and pleased that the feels engine keeps churning. i feel a
little bad that i've lost a bunch of momentum on development, but it seems to
still be mostly functional. i'm honored that y'all are using it!! also, big
love to ~sanqui for catching a bug and sending in a PR; i'm not sure i would
have picked that up myself so quickly.
please continue to keep bashing on this machine for as long as it's working for
04 august 2016
i've been all over the place for the past few weeks. i have a brief pause here
before i hit the road again, i think. sometimes, i'm bad at keeping up with
things. the escapist desire runs high; there is hardly enough time for me to
fully become the person i want to be.
i'll do my best.
i visited my parents at their new home for the first time; they seem happy. a
little stressed and confused, but for the greater good. they'll always be kind
of batty, and they'll always treat me like a child, and we're learning to live
everything feels very different right now.
07 july 2016
traveling a lot. traveling, doodling, thinking.
i'm always happy to see new posts on ttbp, and i'm always happy that people are
dumping words here, and i'm always happy that people are reading them.
i've been stalled on working on the program because it kind of hit most of my
goals for being stable and usable, and i haven't felt very motivated to pick at
the new features i've been thinking about. it's nice to step back and just use
it, flicking words, marinating in feels. maybe i'll pick it up later, when i
feel like nosing through again.
the days tick by. the sun warms and scorches, but i already feel the daylight
starting to slip away. more and more, i'm becoming aware of the endless swell
and fade of the seasons; i think about time as seasons more than months, now.
i've seen enough to start thinking about decades rather than years. it hasn't
been that many for me. i'm hoping for many more.
i don't know what kind of person i am, or what kind i will become. i think i'm
still excited to work on that. yeah. i think i am.
i'm pretty sleepy.
04 july 2016
the open road is addicting. every curve that pulls away ahead of me promises
i can feel when i drop into the coastal plane because the air feels thick and
warm, smothering me inside of my helmet. i can feel when i'm pushing into the
mountains when a line of cold creeps in over my wrists near the foothills.
sometimes i worry that i'll never want to go home; sometimes, when i've been
gone for long, i ache to rond the corner and see the skyline open up into that
familiar river valley i've seen for the last decade.
21 june 2016
I'm A: Chaotic Neutral Human Wizard/Sorcerer (3rd/2nd Level)
Chaotic Neutral A chaotic neutral character
follows his whims. He is an individualist first and last. He values his own
liberty but doesn't strive to protect others' freedom. He avoids authority,
resents restrictions, and challenges traditions. A chaotic neutral character
does not intentionally disrupt organizations as part of a campaign of anarchy.
To do so, he would have to be motivated either by good (and a desire to
liberate others) or evil (and a desire to make those different from himself
suffer). A chaotic neutral character may be unpredictable, but his behavior is
not totally random. He is not as likely to jump off a bridge as to cross it.
Chaotic neutral is the best alignment you can be because it represents true
freedom from both society's restrictions and a do-gooder's zeal. However,
chaotic neutral can be a dangerous alignment when it seeks to eliminate all
authority, harmony, and order in society.
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races.
Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them
physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress,
sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.
Wizards are arcane spellcasters who
depend on intensive study to create their magic. To wizards, magic is not a
talent but a difficult, rewarding art. When they are prepared for battle,
wizards can use their spells to devastating effect. When caught by surprise,
they are vulnerable. The wizard's strength is her spells, everything else is
secondary. She learns new spells as she experiments and grows in experience,
and she can also learn them from other wizards. In addition, over time a wizard
learns to manipulate her spells so they go farther, work better, or are
improved in some other way. A wizard can call a familiar- a small, magical,
animal companion that serves her. With a high Intelligence, wizards are capable
of casting very high levels of spells.
Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who
manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious
discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that
they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire
them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no
need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards,
sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their
powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through,
they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple
weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in
this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.
Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?,
courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)
Lawful Good ----- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (20)
Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (21)
Lawful Neutral -- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
True Neutral ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (20)
Chaotic Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (21)
Lawful Evil ----- XXXX (4)
Neutral Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Chaotic Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Law & Chaos:
Law ----- XX (2)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Chaos --- XXXXXXXXXXX (11)
Good & Evil:
Good ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Evil ---- XX (2)
Human ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Dwarf ---- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Elf ------ XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Gnome ---- XXXXXX (6)
Halfling - XXXXXXXX (8)
Half-Elf - XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Half-Orc - XX (2)
Barbarian - XXXXXXXX (8)
Bard ------ XXXX (4)
Cleric ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Druid ----- XXXXXXXX (8)
Fighter --- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Monk ------ XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Paladin --- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Ranger ---- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Rogue ----- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Sorcerer -- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Wizard ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
17 june 2016
sleepy. sleepy and unproductive.
15 june 2016
this summer feels scary and bad all of a sudden, and i'm not really sure what
to do with it.
i'm trying to do well at lining up things to do, leaving myself low hanging
fruit, giving myself permission to be a useless layabout once in a while, but
whenever i turn the corner i find myself standing in a mist of unrelenting
the air is thick and warm. i think i'm doing the best i can whenever i'm doing
it. i have ups and downs. i crash and i soar and i am a thinking, feeling
you will not always feel like this.
14 june 2016
i spent most of my day in a mental health first aid course. it was a free
class, run by the health and counseling services at the university where i
work, and i opted to take it because i was curious about what the course would
cover and i think the topic material is really important. also, i like
one of the things i appreciate most about first aid courses is that they focus
on what you can do as just another person; you don't havae to be a medical
professional to recognize signs of distress, and you don't have to be a trained
care provider to express empathy and kindness. these are things i think about a
lot, but from watching other people in these courses, they're lessons that are
important for a lot of people to hear.
some of the details were kind of hand-wavy, mostly due to scope limitations,
but because of the sort of people in the class today, a lot of really specific
questions came up that were hard to address. health is hard. mental health is
hard. humans are tricky.
if there's a class in your area that you have access to, i highly recommend it!
the one i took included a lot of information about local resources for getting
help, including advice and reassurance on who to call if you're worried about
someone else but don't know what appropriate action might be, which i hope is a
part of every local training.
i only got about four hours of sleep because the class started way earlier than
i've been getting out lately, so i'm kind of a total zombie.
i feel okay. i hope you all are okay, and have ways to take care of yourseves.
13 june 2016
a limerick oughn't be hard
for any accomplished bard
just make up a rhyme
and ask for a dime
and then buy yourself a reward
we're riding the feels machine
it's complex and simple to mean
whatever you want
with feelings to haunt
and memories come in between
a ghost isn't always a scare
at most it's a little bit there
some whispering words
might only be birds
as opposed to a voice in thin air
08 june 2016
there's a space between all of us. there's a point at which one human
physically ends, and another begins. that space is occupied by thoughts,
connections, dreams, emotions. we love things and we hate things and we desire
things and we cannot help but compare ourselves to things we perceive as
different because, inevitably, all things that are not us are different.
where do you end and where does someone else begin? there's only the sense that
that separation exists, but i do not know where i would draw that line.
06 june 2016
i'm so excited for the cicadas.
01 june 2016
we're cresting another heat wave here. every day, i go out and stare at my
seedlings and think about how they're doing. i only water them after the sun
has passed the garden wall
some excerpts from my notes for THE BOT MANIFESTO
- bots have a physical manifestation, somehow; they are code executed on
machinery, thus the machinery must exist. it follows that bots need energy,
and bots consume physical resources
- the primary mode of interaction non-bots have with bots does not acknowedge
its physical body; the physical component of a bot is functionally irrelevant
- bots must be seen; they must be observeable; they must communicate something,
- bots are created with intention
- bots can function autonomously
- we are scared of losing data
- we are scared of missing experiences
- it grows increasingly difficult to sort through the data we generate as we
realize it costs very little to hoard information
- bots do not sleep or tire; bots do not wear out. depreciation of performance
is only a reflection of human error.
- do we intend bots to live forever?
- bots are an extension of our own mortality
- bots are an extension of our own attension spans
- bots are not a new idea; they are our iteration of leveraging current
technological possibilities to address the fear that comprises the human
- do bots ask questions or do they answer them?
bot reading references:
commentary and discussion are welcome! hit me up on mail or irc.
27 may 2016
i keep repeating this, but i'm learning so much in the process of putting ttbp
together. i just wanted to take a second and step back and look at it.
user-end version checking/patching---since there are people running this
program who aren't me, if i make drastic changes to the infrastructure of the
program, i have to find ways to communicate this to users, and step them
through updates if needed. the way i'm doing this now is that everyone has a
version marker that the program looks at, compares it to what it's expecting,
and then performs relevant updates. so far, it seems to be working okay; i've
gotten fewer bug reports since i started doing this, at least. it also forces
me to slow down and be more deliberate with my changes, making sure
everything makes sense and that i can communicate new features or small
documentation/style---usually, when i document my code, i put little
scratches here and there so i can pick things up again later. at one point,
ttbp got too big for this to work, so i read up on documentation conventions
for python. the biggest change was when i realized i could just docstring
everything and have stuff show up in pydoc. i know what i like reading in
other pydoc modules, and that's started to change how i think about writing
my own documentation. i'm thinking about my code more in terms of how legible
it is for other people. i've always been shy about letting other people read
my code, mostly out of fear of judgement for how bad of a coder i perceive
myself as being. but, that's changed quite a bit here, and i've appreciated
having a few other people poke through my repo and make comments and
suggestions here and there.
i've still got so much to learn, and a lot of polish all around, but i'm very
proud of what i'm building here! i never knew i could feel this good about
pounding out code, both from what i like of the internal state, and what it
looks like when it's running. this is one of many side projects of mine right
now, and it's probably the one i'm most fond of at the moment. it's stretching
me as a person and letting me work on some really satisfying skills, putting me
right at the exciting part of the learning curve where it seems like i'll never
run out of things to work on.
i dropped out of my undergrad computer science program because many different
things were causing me pain and stress that i didn't know how to resolve.
slowly, i've been working back and undoing some of those.
i feel good, ttbp. thanks for asking!
25 may 2016
i flipped through my calendar for the summer and suddenly realized it's going
to be hard for me to continually stuff things into it. expand to fill all
available space, i always tell myself. life's too short to spend so much time
and that's why sometimes it's 5am and i'm hiding under the covers with my nose
pressed against the steaming glass of my phone, trying desperately to fall
asleep so i can have a good morning. eventually, sunlight creeps into the room
and i notice that i'm awake, which means i must have fallen asleeep at some
point. it's too early, so i roll over and put a pillow over my face.
next thing i know, it's almost noon, and i'm alone in the house.
in my annual performance review, my boss wrote that i got a tremendous amount
of good stuff done despite us having a really bad and stressful thing to deal
with. i corrected him, saying it was because of having a massive, identifiable
stressor; my response to stress is to keep my head down and plow through
project after project with a manic fixation, because that keeps me from
dwelling too much on things i can't affect.
i don't know if it's a good response or a bad one; i don't know if it's a clear
indicator of how things are going. i'm dangerous when i'm bored; i'm dangerous
when the only thing i have to look at is the inside of my head. it terrifies me
in here. i reach out to try and touch things beyond myself so i can have any
sense whatsoever that the entirity of existence isn't just this, but i have no
way of knowing for sure.
it doesn't matter either way, so it's better to try.
23 may 2016
on april 16th, i filled an egg carton with good dirt and put four seeds into
each pod. i labeled one side 'brocc' and the other side 'sprouts', for broccoli
and brussel's sprouts, respectively; a dozen pods, 24 seeds of each type.
a week later, each pod had sprouted at least one curious leaf; several
sprouted all four. one sprouted something unrecognizeable. i smiled.
over the next month, i prepared a space for them in the yard. i turned up sod,
mixed in compost from the previous year's worth of yard and kitchen waste,
marked off rows, put up chicken wire to deter ground-walking munchers.
yesterday, may 22nd, i had a bad scare after looking at my sprouts; all of
them fell flat from dehydration. over the weekend, i had forgotten to give
them attention, because i could hardly take care of myself. seedlings need a
little bit of attention every day, and i had let them down.
i watered them apologetically and looked to the sky, hoping that the weather
would break soon and let me introduce them to the earth.
today, i put my hands in the soil and smelled the richness of a month's worth
of spring rain, microorganic work, and aspirations. it was time; i pulled the
egg carton out and inspected it. a few of them had responded to my apology.
i only had enough plots prepared today for six plantings, so i took the three
best candidates from each side. the pods with multiple viable seedlings will
eventually be thinned to one; from 48 seeds, six plants will be coddled into
maturity. i made little pits with a trowel, then carefully pressed each puck
of dirt and seedling into the indentations.
dirt responds best to hands. i put my hands against the cool soil and felt the
density of each mound, pressing drainage channels and slowly massaging bunkers
around each seedling to shelter them. 'thank you,' i whispered to each one i
chose. 'thank you for working hard. thank you for pressing upwards. here is
the earth and there is the sky; you are now between them and a part of them.
do your best. i love you.'
those cells have never touched the earth and have never seen the sun. they sit
there now, poking out of the ground like periscopes. their roots will burrow
further than i will ever see, and draw matter from the soil to create more of
themselves to give to the sky.
if i am worthy, i will eat some of them in the future.
22 may 2016
sometimes people ask me how i am, and i don't know how to answer because i'm
often not in a good state for self-assessment.
when i'm feeling good, i can't remember a time during which i didn't feel good,
and it seems inconceivable that i could ever not be feeling good.
when i'm feeling bad, i can't remember a time during which i didn't feel bad,
and it seems inconceivable that i could ever not be feeling bad.
there is the up state and the down state; without a transitional grey zone in
between, i have no mechanism with which to bridge between them. i cannot touch
either state from the other. sometimes, the switch just flips.
sometimes i have to remember that most people are not inside my head 24/7,
therefore most people do not see, hear, or experience the chatter that is my
general head state. sometimes i have to remember that all humans are
individual, fully-formed humans with their own agency, and thus act
autonomously and in their own self-interests. i act only in my own
self-interest, because i am incapable of perceiving things beyond my own
awareness; others do the same. somehow, we manage to cooperate.
21 may 2016
my most recent commit message, mostly to myself:
more documentation updates
holy crap! here i am, about a decade and a half after my first Formal
Instruction in programming, and i suddenly understand code
documentation. part of this is that sometimes i stare at functions
forgetting why they're there, or start writing a function with the
distinct feeling that i'm typing code i've already typed before, and
realize that maybe there's a better way.
so i skimmed code from other people that i've used in my own repos, and
lifted the general gist of their commenting style while doing things
that feel right to me. i still don't know exactly how i like things, but
i'm learning. this is the best way i learn things.
then. then! i learned that i can just pydoc any of my modules and pydoc
will generate literally the same thing that i read when i pydoc other
module! what. WHAT. this is amazing. i feel like a real person. i
understand where those docs come from now, and how to make them myself.
i'm learning so much.
why does this feel so amazing.
all of this is in a commit message that i'm going to fire off into the
sun but i just need to put this out there because this feels important.
# Please enter the commit message for your changes. Lines starting
# with '#' will be ignored, and an empty message aborts the commit.
# On branch master
# Your branch is up-to-date with 'origin/master'.
# Changes to be committed:
# modified: _ttbp.py
# modified: ttbp.py
# modified: util.py
# modified: ../changelog.txt
16 may 2016
i just made a bunch of changes that might break my blog if i switch back and
forth from beta so let's see what happens
oh! it worked!
today i went on a little motorcycle ride for like five hours, threading through
suburbs i have only seen on a map and had not yet visited in person. i had the
curious sense that i was not fully inside my body, just looking over the
shoulder of the operator, sliding across the surface of the road.
15 may 2016
had sort of a weird day that felt like nothing really happened. i did some
cleaning and reorganizing in the pocket studio; i took a long walk through
campus; i talked to a few people. maybe i'm just feeling strange and dull
because this was the first day in a few weeks that i gave myself to step back
from work altogether and take a breather.
i'm really close to finishing up a bunch of stuff so i can get into having my
summer leave. i don't ever want to stop moving.
sometimes i'm tempted to dump a bunch of lines here about ttbp development, but
then i just started trying to keep a better changelog and commit messages. i'm
scribbling down little thoughts i have here and there while i'm working on
this, because i want to remember what working on this feels like. ~jumblesale
asked me about writing a piece for the zine, and i'd like to do that in the
near future once i hit all my goals for v1.0 release.
i started reading the cuckoo's egg by cliff stoll and it's pretty
fantastic. if you've read it, i'd love to gush about it to you! (i mean, i'd
love to do that anyway, but i don't like hyping/spoiling stuff for people, so
just take this as my recommendation to read it and get back to me later, i
guess). my partner recommended it to me as topical reading for all the thoughts
i've had about the internet, computers, and tildeverse recently.
sometimes it's suddenly 2am and i didn't notice because i've been blasting
music through my headphones, sipping whiskey, pounding on a keyboard. i notice
that my fingers are sluggish over the keys, and that sometimes a blink lasts
for minutes at a time while little packets of data are pushed out of my
go to bed, ~endo.
12 may 2016
sometimes i have so many thoughts at once that i can't organize them.
i skimmed over old writing projects from a decade ago
i'm remembering to drink water regularly.
i'm frustrated about vagueness.
i can't wait to feel excited again.
no human is better or worse than any other human
10 may 2016
state of the ttbp
i've sprinkled accounts across the internet since the mid-90s. i've played a
lot of video games. i feel a brief pleasure when i see a number go up and know
that i caused that integer to increment; a triumphant note cues every small
victory. sometimes, i collect badges. eventually, i am left with the hollow
feeling that the only reason i've achieved is to increase the number of
achievements i have.
this is not what i want as a human. i live for the sake of living, not for the
ability to demonstrate my worth to others by showing them an integer. i like
incrementing integers for fun. i do not want to attach integers to my sense of
the more i can separate the act of racking up points from the process of being
a human, the more enjoyment i get out of both.
ttbp was a whim when i started it, but it's growing fast into a beautiful
little nest of thoughts and ideas and communication. here are a few thoughts
about """blogging""" that i've tried to work out for the past two decades:
- it can be intensely cathartic to feel as if you are shouting into a void
with no witnesses
- it feels good to know that other people may have
witnessed your expression of self
- the sense of performance and competition changes the way in which you allow
yourself to communicate
that said, i'm focusing on honing these ideas, and developing ttbp whlie i
continue to think about what this all means.
some basic practical consequences:
- instead of an open comment feature, have the ability to mail a user
directly in reseponse to an entry; then, a dialogue can happen in private
without affecting future readers' perception of the original writing.
- limited view of metrics, without displaying global counters
i still feel unresolved about how to display global things in general.
chronologically makes sense, but it neccessarily favors frequent posters.
random shuffle seems appealing, but too arbitrary and chaotic. alphabetical
reminds me about how often i got screwed in elementary school for queuing up to
the snack table.
ordered data structures bias how we read and perceive things.
please feel free to sendmail me about your thoughts!
09 may 2016
a dim awareness that, in recent history, i have stepped off into the great gulf.
automatic limbs propel a body forward
breaking into the air at regular intervals
in the distance, a rock rises
i do not know what sort of person i will become
07 may 2016
i have all these bug reports building up! i'm excited people are using ttbp and
i'm also looking forward to developing and growing this program with the help
of the community. i've never done this before. i'm so grateful and surprised by
this. thanks for being here, everyone!
my headspace has been up and down a lot recently. i'm busy, and nervous, and
anxious, and i have a lot of things hanging vaguely in the future. it's taking
a lot of effort to maintain an even keel, to remember what i'm doing and why
i have three tattoos: a reminder to check for handedness, a suggestion to not
get too attached to objects, and an assertion that things will not always be
this way. i'm doing my best to maintain neutral ground. i'm doing my best to
provide a blank space for things to grow.
nothing happens in a vacuum.
05 may 2016
i'm so tired. but i'm also excited about everything. but mostly, i'm tired.
04 may 2016
i want to believe that it's possible for the human race to be united without
destroying individuality and freedom. i want to believe that it's possible for
humans to care for and respect each other without losing sight of themselves. i
want to believe that it's possible for humans to love themselves without being
and yet some days i am starkly aware that we cannot have love without hate.
but we also cannot have hate without love.
03 may 2016
a new day of feelings. mostly, i'm excited that a lot of people are excited
about this project of mine. i'm hella overwhelmed with work this week, but i
deal with that by having a project on the side that i am highly unlikely to run
out of things to worry over.
i'm happy there are people in the world, and i'm happy that people talk to each
other and learn and grow and become better versions of themselves. i'm having a
great day of feeling like there's no limit to my optimism and good vibes. this
isn't always the case for me, so i try extra hard to acknowledge it when i
02 may 2016
- #tags for ttbp
- entry filename validation
i'm having some serious deadjournal-era nostalgia. can we have copy-paste
surveys and shit like that again? 'current mood', 'current music', etc. oh god.
i'm not yet fond of the name 'ttbp', which was mostly a placeholder (the
placeholder prior to that was 'tlog', some of which is still leftover in the
stylesheets), although i do like that it looks kind of like 'http'.
01 may 2016
test one, two, three.
now this is coming through ttbp proper.
things i did today:
- figured out screen clearing
- figured out subprocess
- helped a friend look at some bicycles
future work on ttbp:
- permalink to individual posts
- edit/delete posts from cli
- list global posts, recently updated, etc.
- c-c-c-commenting?? i kind of don't want to have a commenting feature at all. or at least, not one attached to posts? so maybe the ability to respond to a particular post directly to the author.
- d o c u m e n t a t i o n
- stylesheet selection
things that are important for ttbp:
- low barrier to entry: users don't have to know how to use html, command line things, etc. can do all basic actions from the program (mostly just posting, really).
- users should not have to clone a repo, install libraries/code/etc.; codebase is hosted in my ~ so users can just run it
- advanced users can do their own customization, like stylesheets and page layout; maybe provide documentation for this??
- contributor-friendly: i've never really had collaborators on my own projects before, but if other people have interested in writing features or chasing bugs, i want to be open to pull requests!