~tunas@TTBP



09 february 2021

How do you explain to your psychiatrist that her previous patient and you only got close on the bus to attend a session with her? Like, their appointment was right before mine. It's funny how human relationships work.



07 february 2021

One of my friends admitted to me that they have had feelings for me for a while now, and I guess now we're together. That actually made me so happy. To my ex, if you're still reading my blog: yes, they're capable of being emotionally supportive, and no, it doesn't take any effort for them to be, because they understand how I feel.



05 february 2021

Today was a Great Day!

I finally got out of quarantine and got to actually hug my friends. (We all tested negative on the PCR test, of course; otherwise we wouldn't be out of quarantine.) That being said, I am so happy that I get to see my friends again. Now I'll properly appreciate them, because I know what it's like to not have any. If you're reading this and thinking you don't have any friends, I'm your friend. Forever and ever. Just drop me a line.



02 february 2021

I'm feeling good! Like, super duper good!

Things are falling apart, but I AM FUCKING ROCKING, BABY! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

That being said, I hope you do too. Everyone deserves to feel good. If something bad has recently befallen you, please text me if you'd like - I'll try my best to support you.



01 february 2021

I fit under the table. This is a stupendous discovery that I wish I found out sooner.



29 january 2021

On the last day of school quarantine, someone fucked up (okay, quite a few people fucked up) and the timer was reset to another 14 days.

I wish great discomfort, pain and many nastities upon those people who persistently act so irresponsibly and face no consequences, instead letting the community suffer.

Once I find out who they are, they are in for a world of hurt.

With that out of the way, time for some niceties! I was feeling better before this happened, with no mental breakdowns to speak of. Sure, now the situation is different, but I think it's worth remembering the good times alongside the bad.



23 january 2021

Today's feels post will be provided by GPT-2 tunas, as an amalgamation of my #tildetown chat logs and prior feels posts.

I have never written a program before. I want to. So why don't I, you ask? I'm in the very beginning stages of developing. I write tiny python scripts. Then I try to write a proper software program to do anything with them. I keep writing scripts and trying to add features in to them. It's a cycle. And it's getting old really fast. So, I decided to write my first program. As a programming language. I wrote a programming language called LISP. To stop myself from writing scripts all the time.



19 january 2021

Case Western University made me a .edu email address (and heck, a G Suite account) before I've even been formally accepted. All I did was sign a contract that if they accept me, I wouldn't apply elsewhere...

Is this common? Let me know via email if you've had similar experiences with US colleges. Very generous of them, in my opinion.



11 january 2021

Turns out it was just spending an immense amount of time in front of a screen, or asleep. Hopefully it hasn't caused irreversible eye damage. From my experience, trying to avoid screens has lessened it.

Which would be easier to deal with: if it was psychosomatic, or an actual eye health problem? I'll ask a doctor whenever I can.

Otherwise, I guess I've been fine. My friends are currently in quarantine, which means I'll get to see them in person in 2 weeks. That makes me immensely happy.



07 january 2021

I started seeing moving shadows from the corner of my vision every now and again when I'm in the dark, and dark spots/voids in bright conditions.

I think this is it. This is the point where dissociative episodes, depression and whatever else turns into genuine hallucination and psychosis. I really don't know why this is happening. I've been off drugs for a long time, and I never had a history of hallucinations.

I'm scared as shit, but I just hope I'll be okay.



06 january 2021

The leaves come alive and shake in the fog
Like birds, unable to fly away.
The feary-eyed doe stands enchanted by the log
Where a tree stood, before a mere day.
Where a tree roared with the clatter of birdsong,
There is nothing but the shaky whisper of a mountain stream.
The heart of the hills waited for too long,
Spring's return, nothing more than a dream.



04 january 2021
I’m here to make you doubt
You wish I weren’t.
I hold no answers in my loaded heart.
I only sit
and wait
and wait
and wait.
- from the ending of “As the Last I May Know”, copyright © 2019 by S.L. Huang

I was inspired by the poem at the end of this short story, which won some awards a while back. I'm not too much into reading anymore, not for any lack of trying to get back into it. Anyway, as I was saying.
I was inspired by this poem, and decided to go back to writing some of my own. Here goes... something.

For all my tries to get the prize
Of a healthy, painless life
All I got was a tangled knot
In my stomach, lined with strife.
Time to reboot.

xen: Booting virtualized kernel under dom0...
Virtual. Not real. Not exposed.
So that it doesn't hurt.
You virtualize to mitigate vulnerabilities.
In a way... So do I.
I am a virtual void().
No interface, no vulnerabilities.
No interface, no point...
Time to reboot.

xen: Booting virtualized kernel under dom0...
systemd[1]: Starting Load Kernel Module social-firewall...
The answer is in limitation.
Social distancing at its literal.
Allow-list: Three people. Drop all other traffic.
...
Eight months later, someone on the allow-list undermines my kernel's integrity.
Panic.
CPU: 2 PID: 2 at drivers/emotion/love/uncond_love.c:483 - assert "significant_other.emotional_support != null" failed [emotion_engine]
Time to reboot.

xen: Booting virtualized kernel under dom0...
systemd[1]: Starting Load Kernel Module social-firewall...
systemd[1]: Starting Load Kernel Module iface-fake-emotion...
socialtables -t nat -A POSTROUTING --out-interface fake-emotion -j MASQUERADE
socialtables -A FORWARD --in-interface emotion0 -j ACCEPT
No one comes in anymore.
...
No one comes in anymore.
It's getting lonelier by the minute.
Why do I have to make these stupid fucking hacks anyway?
Time to reboot.

Booting paravirtualized kernel on bare hardware...
Broadcast message from person-f1a830b3df@outside-world (pts/1):
Go find help, please. You need it.
Broadcast message from person-1cedb817eb@outside-world (pts/1):
You're acting really weird and you're creeping me the fuck out.
Broadcast message from person-84dcfb24df@outside-world (pts/1):
Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Oh. Right. Now I remember. Time to power off.



02 january 2021



01 january 2021

I did contact my ex, and thankfully she wasn't interested in ruining New Year for me. :P

I'm being unnecessarily mean. I'm just glad she's doing okay.



31 december 2020

It's already 2021, and I still keep thinking of contacting my ex. I really don't know what I seek to accomplish; things will not go back to the way they were, and I will never be by her side again, no matter what. Still, I think about her constantly, in waves that come and go. I find that the more distractions I have, the less I do it.

Okay. I'll wish her a happy new year, and if she is not willing to talk, I'll leave her alone. Her birthday is in January, too, but if she's dismissive to me for New Years, there's no point in texting her to wish her a happy birthday, either... It's not that I hate her. Quite the contrary. But, I feel like she is not willing to talk to me, and becomes less and less willing with each passing day.



30 december 2020



29 december 2020

I'll make it an objective to move around more today. This should probably keep me centered for at least a while.



28 december 2020

♫Oh, what a moving expansion of space

With a meaningful range of repression in grace.♫

These days have been quite confusing, but still, better than them being completely horrible.

(This is technically tomorrow's feels post in my time zone.)

50MB video, 480p:



22 december 2020

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee wooooooooooooooooo yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

update: I fucked up.



16 december 2020

Today is the day I first started learning programming in any capacity, 10 years ago. On 16th December, 2010, 9 year-old me found an old textbook which, of all languages, taught Ada:
Ada was, and still is, a strange language. Statements and declarations are very clearly separated, and the syntax is so old-timey; it even reminds me of COBOL in places. I can tell you one thing, it scared 9 year-old me away from programming for the next 5 years, when I picked up Python at the age of 14. School taught us Pascal, which really did not help my image of programming as being more complex than it needs to be, just because of silly decisions... In fact, when I picked up C++ later on (a bit before Python), I found myself typing "if (condition) then" instead of "if (condition) {}" very, very often, purely because Ada was the thing I had first seen. To be clear, I don't hate Ada as a programming language, but it's not a very clear beginning programming language for a 9 year-old, not as much as Python is... It's quite flexible, and had I not put my bank on Rust as a low-level systems programming language, I can imagine a future where I'm using Ada instead.

Why do I remember all of this? Because, I guess, it made me who I am today. It did this in more than one way: it pushed me away from programming for a whole five years, thus prompting me to go for systems administration instead, and also sort-of repelled me from using obscure languages and then being unable to adapt. Hah!

With how things have been going, I'll definitely get back into programming as an art form these days. That is, if CS:GO doesn't take up all my time..

I just realised that when typing, my left hand is completely only using the index finger (and the little finger for Shift), while my right hand is using my thumb, index finger, middle finger, little finger and ring finger. I don't know why this is, but it does mean that if I type a word that's more on the right side of the keyboard, it's faster than anything on the left. But, the most common letters tend to be on the left... I don't know how to fix it, I already have 90-100 WPM the way things are. But, I can feel the strain from only using my index finger. I'll see what my options are.



15 december 2020

Today was an okay day. It started with me getting an email from the head of college saying that I need to meet him at 4PM. That meeting was about them booking me a psychiatrist appointment in order to evaluate my mental health and any concerns I might have, as well as assess my already-known issues. That's good news, I hope.

I didn't do much else today, other than calculus, CS:GO and hanging around here. And that meeting, of course. Yeah.



13 december 2020

Today, I believe, was another good day. There's not much of note, but the very fact that nothing bad happened should be appreciated.

I think I'll keep investing in good shampoo, firstly because my hair's falling out, and secondly because it makes my pillow smell divine. As silly and embarrassing as it is, I find myself sometimes sniffing it. Heh. That being said, I think that if I weren't me, I'd date myself. Like, if I was presented with a clone of myself, I would definitely date myself; also, since that's true, I'd want to date me as well. So, everything works out. It's quite funny how my self-confidence is quite low, while my self-esteem is quite high. Since that's so, funnily enough, I have really low standards if I go for myself, since I'm in the "desperate" category, and vice versa. Gee, thinking about dating yourself is weird...

I think if I was able to channel my self-appreciation into self-love by voicing it, I wouldn't feel half as bad, or feel bad half as often. Maybe that's an avenue worth exploring.



12 december 2020

I wonder if someone is reading the web version of this. There's people who are aware it exists, although I find it astronomically unlikely that any of them are still reading this. So, I guess it's just me and the town. Heh. That sounds pretty funny, like the title of a TV show. Me and the Town. A sitcom centered around a socially inept person and their life in the same universe (and thus the same NYC) where the events of Sex and the City occur. That sounds kinda stupid, but I like it.

Today was a good day. I finally went out of campus. I like that. We went to a café which I used to frequent, and the looks on the faces of some of the first-year students who hadn't seen it before were priceless.



11 december 2020

New day, new feels. Then again, my day technically began two and a half hours ago, and now it'll end only to begin again in the morning.



10 december 2020

I found my poetry notebook today. I thought I had locked it up in the school attic, but apparently not. This is both good and bad; it's good because it reminds me that I am a decent poet, but it's bad because it reminds me about bad stuff that's happened to me. Oh well, I'm at least in a better place now mentally. Also,

I got back into

Writing forms of poetry

That are not textbook.

That being said, I'm looking on the bright side this winter. The only two things bothering me are loneliness and boredom, which are possibly one and the same, or stem from the same reason. But! (and this is a big but) I'm not completely incapacitated by loneliness anymore. I have occupations, worthwhile things to do, and a failsafe called sleep. Even if I can't seem to fall asleep, I'll read a book or stare at the ceiling while thinking about things (and lately my brain has been much more forgiving with its thought paths, straying less into thoughts of self-worthlessness and more into thoughts of "what can I do next to prove that I am, in fact, worth something?" Sure, it's not exactly "I am worth something even when I sit idle," but we're getting there.

I have challenged myself to get out all the stuff I'm thinking about (or have thought about lately) into this feels post. I don't know if I'll save it three sentences away from now, or if it'll end up being a short novel, but whatever's more beneficial for me is the one I'll go with. If you get bored, I won't be mad if you click away. I won't know you did it to be mad in the first place, but even if I know you clicked away, I won't be mad. Why would I be mad about that?

So. I made three new friends about a month ago, all of them trans. I'd known them for a while (one of them was also my co-year student last year) but we only got close recently. Considering two of them are in a sort-of relationship, I got the closest to the one that was the odd one out, the third wheel if I may. Their main interest is paleoanthropology, something that I can't exactly say I'm well-versed in (I can barely tell apart a Neanderthal from a Denisovan) but for some reason, listening to them talk about it is positively mesmerizing to me. The way they phrase things and the enthusiasm in their voice enthralls me and sparks interest in me. It's splendid. Sadly, all three of them are now residing in the capital of Armenia for the winter break, while I'm staying on campus because a) I'm on a scholarship at a level that means that staying on campus was free, and b) I don't have a source of income other than freelance sysadmin and webdev jobs, and my only savings are the ones from back home, meaning I am extremely frugal. The point I wanted to make is that they're all gone for now, and I don't want to bother them by texting them whenever I feel lonely, which would be almost constantly; they're most likely having a jolly good time like all the others I see on Instagram, exploring Yerevan and maybe even getting drunk. Maybe they aren't, but I do check on them and message them every day to ask, and so far they're all doing okay, thankfully.

I'm hoping that by now, this post hasn't begun to resemble a hodge-podge. Hopefully it's easy enough to follow for you, the reader, without you getting tired. Sometimes I write really long sentences, or overuse punctuation, which is why I'm worried. Do write in if you have a complaint with my writing style, and I may look into it.

I'm grateful for this community's constant support, and noticed the negative effect of its absence when my tmux session got stuck. Oh well, at least I'm back. Thank you all for existing, much more for listening!



29 november 2020

I think it's important to highlight the good days as well as the bad.

Today was a good day. I just hope nothing makes it not so.



26 november 2020

Today is a good day, I can feel it. I have this feeling that it might turn to shit, but you know what? Until it does, I'll try to make the best of it. Given all of the circumstances, including academic work that I finished early and now just have to keep an eye on until the deadline, I feel like I deserve a break. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm right. One thing's for sure: I won't spend too much resources on caring about which it is.

Life implies death, but until I die, I'll be here. I feel myself not as a stranger in the world, not as someone here temporarily (although I am), someone who arrived here by accident, but I feel that my existence is fundamental. What I am, really, is the fabric and structure of my own existence. Therefore, until I do die, I should make myself comfortable in it. With that said, these two years of high school are temporary, and they will not absolutely and completely determine my life ahead. I'll be laughing about the setbacks I experience now, in as little as 5 years in the future. So, I'll stick to the following: the only thing I take seriously is academics, the only commitments I make are to myself and possibly academic deadlines (though that's still committing to myself that I'll do them,) and the only one who will get to fully experience me emotionally... is me. Somehow, I feel like this would be healthier for me in the long run. I've thought about how it may hurt others if I do this, but the fact is, I should prioritize myself over others; this doesn't mean I'll be completely out of it, I will help everyone I can, but not at my significant expense, and not without proper recompense. Cool rhyme, there.

It's about time I wrote something positive. I'm glad I started doing it. I hope this gives you some food for thought, too.



23 november 2020

2 years ago today, a girl commented a spooning tutorial under my then-new Facebook profile pic. To this day I don't know what it was supposed to signify, but I don't think I've ever paid it too much attention until now, when I realised that it was, in fact, two years ago today. Not the most fascinating thing on the planet, but still, I got a bit of a chuckle out of the randomness of the whole ordeal. Maybe for the 5-year anniversary I'll ask her why she did it.



13 november 2020

I'm getting better.

I don't know what changes, but I can hazard a guess that the more preoccupied I am with schoolwork (or my own personal projects) and the less I try to rely on socializing, the better the outcome is in terms of my overall mood. I see socializing as a high-risk, high-reward endeavour; there's a small chance I'll find someone who completes me after having lost the last one, but I risk feeling overall worse by trying to look for them and encountering nothing but disappointment, people who are too busy to talk to me or even notice I exist. That said, I can find someone who'll make me feel better for months, or ruin my months, day by day, by trying. No thanks.

Besides, I'm acquiring skills that will benefit me later in life, especially for the purpose of getting employed. Money can't buy happiness, and I'm no materialist, but it's more comforting to cry in a bigger apartment.

I actually haven't spoken to my ex in more than a week; the last time we did, she was distant, claimed that she wasn't being distant, and said that she didn't have the time to explain to me why people don't wanna be close to me (her words, not mine.) I left her alone at that point, and haven't looked back (okay, I have, but less and less each day; if she goes back to being the way she was before, maybe I will.) Thankfully, I'm cute/attractive enough to find someone else. This isn't something I've acknowledged thus far, and maybe if I do, it'll be a step in the right direction towards a stable foundation from the aspect of a state of mind.



02 november 2020

Please be warned: the only case that you'll be able to read this and not feel worse than when you started is if you woke up today and told yourself that your prime directive is to listen to tunas' bullshit. The relevant trigger warnings are: depression, suicidal tendencies, and downright negative attitude. With that out of the way, thank you for allowing me to continue with my complaining.

When I came back to school, I realised that most of my friends had now graduated and weren't around anymore. This was scary at first, but I figured that it'd go away as I made new friends. Upon trying to make new friends, I realised for the second time (the first time being when I first came to campus) that it was quite difficult to bond with people who you'd never seen before. Failing that, I relied entirely on my girlfriend for emotional support. This, of course, burned her out, and she stopped being as caring and accepting. At this point I was not aware just how much I was reliant on her. This meant that I completely broke down 40 minutes ago when, after our breakup on the terms of me feeling it was unhealthy to try to force her to care about me, I realised that she — surprise surprise, - does not care about me anymore.

The short version is that currently, I am left with no one to fall back to, and I am afraid of the consequences of this. The last time I had pushed everyone away, in late 2017, I was left with my ever-negative self, who insisted that I was, in fact, not worthy of life and that I should just stop consuming resources as a result. At that point, I hadn't the mindset to consider my achievements, no matter how small, as a "reason to live." What really scares me is that I'm back in that mindset.

Just yesterday, I told the head of residence, who expressed a concern over my well-being, that I was getting better; more than that, even, that I was on my way towards feeling socially fulfilled!

I didn't lie. I genuinely did believe this at that point; but, seldom have I ever regretted a chain of events like I regret the past month or two, including deluding myself that I was, in fact, about to make it by faking it.

For the convenience of rationally getting my position across, I've been trying to stifle my thoughts of self-deprecation, self-harm and even suicide. I find that writing about my problems is the only way I can actually sit down and think about them without my emotions wreaking havoc on my mindset, and amplifying whatever problem was in question. Of course, as you might have been able to see, I wasn't completely successful; that's because in this case, it's loneliness, and I feel like if I haven't solved it in the last 5 years, I won't solve it in the next 40, or 60, or 80.

Understandably, this leads back to suicide as a logical approach. I would never want to resort to it, and in fact I'm deathly afraid of taking my own life, but "deathly afraid" means I'd rather die than do it. You can see the irony.

On a more positive note, I did ask the school's psychologist for an evaluation to put me back on anxiety medication and/or antidepressants. I hate pills, I've never wanted to be dependent on them, but I'm hoping that a light dose of them can render me functional enough to fix up my life so I can get the ball rolling again without them. That said, I want to thank everyone in this community for expressing their support, emotional or just conversational, and making me feel like I'm pleasant to be around. I don't mean to put any pressure on you, but I'd hazard an assumption that I'd be dead without you all.

If you have further questions, as always, you can email me. I'll also be more than happy to listen to your related experiences, unrelated stories, and even about the pigeon that landed on your windowsill that had a very funny pattern of color on its feathers. Thanks for listening.



23 october 2020

I had a nice birthday.

It made me realise something though: my bed is so damn soft and comfortable, why am I relying on other people for comfort in the first place?



21 october 2020

I'm starting to call people to hang out. If they don't wanna, it's fine, and if they shit-talk me for being "desperate," they weren't worth feeling bad about to begin with.

I've had enough. Time to turn my anger to my advantage.



18 october 2020

If you're reading this, and can find some time in your day, please email me sometime and hold me accountable for not working on my Physics experiment.

If this post is more than a week old, please do not email me. Or, email me, but there's no need to remind me. We can still talk.

In fact, please. Talk to me.



16 october 2020

Relating to my last feels post, I lied. I fucking lied to you, I lied to myself, and I lied to everyone that ever believed in me, ever.

This community has been one of the most supportive communities I've ever had the privilege of being in; yet, it's limited by being online-only.

My school, on the other hand, is also a very supportive community. When someone has a problem, people notice it, and offer emotional and, if needed, physical support.

Except me.

I'm not hiding. I'm out in the open, very overtly suffering (yet, not actively craving attention). People see me, but see past me. Bringing up my issues with them results in a massively different response than if someone else did:

It's very, very difficult to remain nice, emotionally stable and mentally sane in such an environment. If it were a community which treated others as badly as me, I could adapt. But I can't help but feel shitty whenever someone gets the support I need just as much, or more, and I don't.

Fuck this. Fuck everything. I'm isolating myself and focusing on academics for the rest of the fucking term. I don't know why I ever lied to myself that socializing would solve this problem; it just makes me feel worse.



12 october 2020

I figured that I would only talk here when I'm feeling good, because we all need some positive vibes from time to time.

I've been okay, relatively. I've felt bad for no reason, but that's perfectly fine. It's okay to feel bad. Loneliness, I've realised, isn't half as bad if you just stop it in its tracks. Places like ~town help with this. I might hang out more here, if I feel like I can make some contribution.



06 may 2020

I felt the need to dump this somewhere because it was eating at me from the inside, and I couldn't get any school writing done until I did.

I didn't realize it until last night, but in my quest to figure out and understand exactly why I was holding myself back from creating the way I wish to, I was able to ignite something deeper. After a day spent frustratedly finishing writing some code that I didn't feel content with, I realized that was exactly it; I am in need of transformation in all aspects of my life.

How could it be possible that my life changes so drastically and my creative endeavours don't follow? I realized I was remaining stagnant amongst the routine of my schoolwork. I had a method for creating that was familiar and comfortable, but I found my personal projects and art to not be challenging or intellectually stimulating or even an accurate representation of who I am now.

I haven't gone deep enough into my projects to feel satisfied with myself and I haven't been pushing all of my limits, creatively or mentally. I didn't realize until last night, crying as I vented my frustration, trying to understand exactly what was making me feel so shitty about my work and even my art, that I have a knot in my chest that I've been holding inside for so long.

It's my passion to create something different, something my own. Something brand new to myself. I need to push my boundaries and figure out all of the obscure and untouched spaces of my soul and mind. I need to give myself entirely to my art without these self-created limitations. I'm not the same as I was last year. Last month. Last week.

I've allowed myself to be constantly learning, growing, evolving, changing, and that is beautiful. I refuse to let life, to let people, push me around any longer. I've known for a while but I have finally taken action. I have realised, more accurately, embraced the fact that I have complete undeniable control of my life.

Every decision I make, every way I choose to react to situations, all of this is my own. All of this is my creation. I don't know why I'm here, but I do know that we are living works of art. So where is our magnificence? Where is the magnificence and tragedy in a work of art that doesn't transport into something experimental and enticing?

I'm choosing to pour my heart and soul into everything I do, enraged with passion.

I'm breaking down the constructs of my emotions and the walls I've built so strong to protect myself from feeling too much, consequently creating a beautiful and dangerous chaos. The lowest lows have been blending into the highest highs, and in the end I'm stuck feeling in between about everything. This frustrated me and prompted a very bad habit, where if something doesn't set my heart on fire, then it isn't worth my time.

I know there are expectations from other people and my giving nature wants to listen to the unreasonable thoughts in the back of my mind telling me that I have to do things for other people's satisfaction, that I have to make sure they are happy with me, with my projects, with my decisions. But that's an entirely inaccurate and flawed way of going about life.

My art is my life and my life is my art. And there's not a single person on this earth that I should trust more than myself to nourish it, to make it thrive and grow strong, to care about it as much as I do. There's not a single person worth sacrificing any piece of myself for, no matter how miniscule.

I love unconditionally, but I'm doing this for me, vulnerably letting down my guard and leaving the door to my home wide open, allowing anyone who wishes or passes by to peer through.

I'm on a journey to become satisfied with myself, and the only way that will happen is if I allow myself to just be exactly who I am without filtering out what I fear others will judge about me.

I'm readily taking on the challenge to accept ultimate and complete vulnerability as the passageway that leads to ultimate and complete freedom. I love the freedom of creating my own space.

I so badly crave for what I work on to appear, sound and feel exactly the way I picture it internally.

I guess that's the biggest struggle of being an artist, of being human: getting it all out in a way that really captures any emotion. Art in its many forms, including any coding I've done, is the only way I've found that can successfully suffocate the rage and torment within me, to let out all of my pain in a healthy way, to intensely release, but also to give, to grow, to learn, to evaluate the things I didn't notice I've buried away.

Sometimes when I'm creating, I feel like I'm detached from my mind and just watching something happen before my very eyes, unable to fathom exactly how I was able to do it in the end. It takes getting into a form of thoughtlessness, which tends to waver in and out. That's my greatest challenge, giving myself complete freedom to release without hesitation, without self-doubt, without judgment.

Absolute freedom will be when I'm able to entirely disconnect from my own self judgment. It takes practice because it's so easy to fall into old patterns of self-deprecation and vivid fear of letting my energy flow out for nothing. I guess that's it. That I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I can expect or interpret.

I'm afraid of pushing my boundaries, exploring new territories within myself. I'm afraid of all of these vivid emotions that are so foreign to me, being new to feeling anything, but I'm embracing them. The only way I will move forward is through opening my arms to the unknown and releasing my fears little by little.

I've had it burnt into my brain since long ago that I'm unworthy of happiness. That I'm unworthy of anything good in my life. Undoing such tightly-knit thought patterns will take getting used to, but these days I'm feeling genuine happiness for the first time, pouring through my body like hot liquid, melting away the fear and pain that lived inside of me for so long. I'm finally fighting through those thoughts in fits of rage because I've recently learned from experience that the moments I stopped holding myself back are the moments when beautiful things happen.

It's hard to express these vivid and intoxicating emotions, but I will give everything I have within me to pour out my wild, raging, beating heart and turn it into something entrancing. I've been in and out of a coccoon, running away and unraveling myself in fear of what will happen. Fearing flight, fearing change, fearing the unknown, the feeling of freedom. This time of my life is an extremely significant breakthrough.

Transformation. Metamorphosis.

Thanks for reading.



20 april 2020

Today I did nothing.



09 february 2020

I feel like uid 65534. No privileges, unable to read or write or express myself, unable to interact with others. nobody.



05 february 2020

My policy used to be "Oh well, if I don't have a proper social life, at least I can focus on getting my grades in order! :D"

Well, both of those are now at an all-time low, and the combined demotivation is not making it any better. In fact, it just brings me back to that "hole with no bottom." Funny how this happens every week, like a cycle. I failed my trigonometry test today, but I still can identify a sine wave when I see one. Except this one has a far smaller maximum than a minimum. Maybe that's all a matter of perception? What if the negative part of the y-axis is at a much greater scale than the positive one?

Who knows. I'll try that technique that the librarian told me: set a timer for 10 minutes, think about an issue for 10 minutes as much as you can, and never think about it again.



29 january 2020

Be warned, tons of negative vibes below.

How the fuck did this happen? How did I let myself ruin my health, overall mood and enthusiasm based on how others act around me, not even involving me? Is it jealousy? Is it entitlement? Self-righteousness?

Why, as well? So many questions I can ask myself. But no answers. I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, over a hole. The hole isn't a hole where you fall into it and it hurts. It's the kind of hole that you never find the way out of. You keep falling, falling, the anxiety of how hard you'll hit the ground envelops you, but you never hit it. You're stuck, wrapped up in the anxiety, you wanna cry out but who'd hear you as you hurtle towards nothing at mach 9. How do I not fall in? If I scream, who the fuck would hear me? The people who say "If you need me, I'm here" are never there. They never make themselves accessible. They just wanna get their moral obligation out of the way.

Fuck this. Fuck me. Fuck everything. I just wish I could focus on my own things without my mind being clouded by shit.



16 january 2020



27 november 2019

If you're going to provide public displays of affection with other people, why make it near me on purpose, one day after I told you that I feel inadequate and lonely when everyone else made friends?

Maybe I'm acting entitled. Maybe I'm even asking for it. Who knows.



10 october 2019

Things aren't picking up.

Trying to socialize just hurts and ends in me rethinking every movement I made and every word I said in my last interaction. Every time I think I'm close with someone, I just lock them out by reflex. I don't want my two years of amazing experiences to be shut down by my own brain being out for blood against me...

How would I go around to solving this anyway?



14 september 2019

Just when I thought I had figured out social interactions, I was proven wrong. Oh well, I guess I can just remain positive.

Right?

I should work on some personal projects before academic matters become more difficult.



25 august 2019

I just came back from camping with the others from my house, and it was both good and bad. Camping was fine, but when there was a bonfire last night, I felt sad and couldn't socialize properly. But it all ended well and by the end of the night I found some people to talk to. Besides, the next morning we all had fun, so it's good.

I talked to James, a second-year, about whether the entire school year would be like this. He told me that no, orientation week was mostly just to get new students acquainted with the school, and afterwards the activities and seeming relationships wouldn't be so plastic. I sure hope so.



23 august 2019

Today was a bit of a downer, because I felt like I was intruding on everyone's conversations when I wanted to socialize. Oh well, tomorrow will be a better day, I'm sure. I'll make friends and stick to them.



22 august 2019

I arrived yesterday in Armenia, to study at UWC Dilijan. So far it's been quite good, but I can see it getting old quick.

Hopefully this is just how induction week is, and there are more interesting things to come. In fact, I'm sure that's the case. Either way, I made some cool friends and I'm still trying to figure the place out. That's about it for now, I'll try to write more often, at least once every two days.



03 july 2019

My vacation in Greece is going well and it's proven itself to be a great way to unwind and relax. But the thoughts of loneliness are kinda amplified by being in a foreign country where you don't even barely know the people around you. I hope I can push them away, especially with so many people I like talking to ghosting me or acting distant. Even people who say they care about me seem to only mean it superficialy and never reach out to me to check how I'm doing. Maybe I'm a shitty selfish person who has no understanding for others. I hope that isn't the case. Making accusations toward myself doesn't help me, so I try to tone it down, but I suppose that sometimes they turn out right. I just don't wanna be a shitty person, but I also don't wanna feel shitty.



01 july 2019

Today I started my vacation in Greece. It sure feels nice to be able to relax for a change.

However, I started thinking about loneliness again, so that's not nice. I hope that stops. I suppose that soon, I won't be as lonely, since I'll be living with students from all around the world that are about my age. That's nice to think about.



25 june 2019

Is anyone still reading these? I mean, mine. I know I read other people's. If you are, please let me know by whatever method is most convenient to you.



08 june 2019

I scolded one of my friends while we were out tonight because he replied quite insensitively to things that weren't quite... appropriate for that kind of response, and now I feel bad about it.

An example was: Me: Yeah, that whole situation back then made me feel like an asshole. I've changed a lot in the last two years, haven't I? Him: I don't care if you're an asshole, we're still friends. Me: Wait, you're joking, right? Him: About what? Many other examples included saying "okay, let's go" while I was telling him about some personal issues (mid-sentence) and playing a game on his computer while I was showing him something on mine.

He didn't even notice that he was being insensitive whatsoever. I felt bad because, well, who am I to tell him what to do? What if I'm the bad guy for telling him what to do? I know he hurt me with his behaviour, but what if I'm really the asshole and he did nothing wrong?

I feel horrible now.

Also, another friend of mine came from Germany a few days ago. I want to hug her and never let go, because she's one of my best friends even though we don't talk too often and she lives abroad. But, I feel really inadequate when we talk. Like I'm beneath her somehow. It's not the typical crush thing, but instead a literal feeling of inadequacy ("who am I to talk to her or be around her? am I annoying?") I hope it goes away and she knows how I feel. I can't even get myself to ask her to go out sometime.



01 may 2019

Is it weird that I feel more comfortable talking to a cat plushie than I do talking to real people, especially about my problems? Is this something of a sign that I need to seek professional help? I hope not.



07 april 2019

I got a rash all over my arms and torso. The doctor said it was stress-induced. 7My classmates avoided me even more than usual, saying I had the measles. I had to beg my homeroom teacher to write me a medical leave of absence and she didn't.

I can't wait to leave this shitty school. I can't wait to leave this shitty country. I can't wait to leave this shitty existence.

I wish I had someone here with me.



07 march 2019

Is having interests you are mocked for, only for "popular" kids to have them later and everyone is interested something that happens only in high school, or am I doomed to have it happen all my life? Because I'm fucking sick of it.



05 march 2019

I was crossing the street today and I saw a truck driver texting. So, this person is hurtling towards the marked pedestrian crossing at 50 km/h and he is looking at his phone. My first thought was the amount of insurance money I could get by starting to cross; he would definitely hit me and it would either be easy money or death.

Not like I care about my body, right?

Then I realised that my body hasn't ever done anything bad to me, and it doesn't deserve to be hurt because of me.

What is me? Is "me" the brain? Just the consciousness merely piloting the meaty bits? Who knows.



02 march 2019

Today was okay, but I kinda got into shitty mood territory by getting in between two people: someone manipulative that needs to stop, and their parent.

Oh well. I'm fine now and that's what matters. Lately I've just been busy with school, and hunting for opportunities finally paid off. I'm leaving this country soon.



01 march 2019

These past few days have been pretty good!

I felt sad a couple of times, but I'm okay now. I got an account on cat's tildetel telephone service and it's been fun talking to various people on the tildes. Neato!

Also I might study abroad. Still waiting for news on that.



23 february 2019

I found a thought on baud.baby's gopher pages that I really liked. It goes like this:

"A jawbreaker, or a gobstopper is a type of hard candy, usually they're colorful, round and usually pretty large. They're made through a process of layering, they roll around in a flavor or a color for a while until they absorb a thin coating of it and then they move on to the next.

They continue to accumulate fragile layers of flavor and color until there is an illusion of them being something of substance, something interesting, but that illusion quickly fades.
The colors muddy, the flavors only loosely approximate what they claim to be, they have no nutritional value and at the end of it all they're hollow, physically empty inside.

Life is short and valuable, don't spend it with things like jawbreakers.

Don't let them waste your time, don't lend them your flavor or let them steal your color. "



11 february 2019

Stuff has been going okay. I hope I get to leave the country soon.

It's good to write again. It helps me organize my thoughts.



20 december 2018

I am only being held to reality by the tiniest sliver of a thread made out of hope. I'm hanging over a black hole; if I fall, there is no comfort in hitting the bottom and being done with life. No, no. Time slows down the more I fall, and I just suffer inching closer and closer to the black hole, yet never hitting the bottom.

My brain just gave up a long time ago. It will take something far more different than medication to fix this. I need physical contact, someone to think about as motivation to not disappoint.



11 december 2018

I had a dream, and it was a weird one. First the elevator was going up fine, but then it started free-falling for what felt like an eternity. Then it stopped suddenly, and wouldn't move after that. So, I got out of the cabin via the ceiling and saw one of those serviceman's ladders affixed to the wall. I started climbing it, and eventually after another eternity of being afraid I might fall, I found a little platform with a door. The symbol above the door was a regular exit sign (with the little green guy and the arrow), so I entered. For some amusing reason, there was some chill music playing, and the place was a fully decked out little hideout. It had a bathroom, a laptop on a table (which I didn't think to turn on because computers never work in dreams), a fridge and some other kitchen utilities, and a sofa and bed. There was a note on the table next to the laptop, that read "This is for You, the People Who Can't Climb Up The Easy Way. You are the ones that keep things going. Sincerely, the Universe" This is when I woke up laughing, and couldn't really fall back into that dream again. Ah well, I hope we meet again, chillax room.



15 november 2018

I feel mentally retarded.

I went from being able to easily solve math problems for school, to being unable to solve 4 basic ones the teacher gives as a way to relax. I spent all of last night practicing, and this morning too. What the fuck is wrong with me? Did shit finally catch up to haunt me?

Ugh.



14 november 2018

I've been so stressed out these past few days. I apologize for not writing more often. In any case, school is getting in the way and it's only going to get more difficult. Ah well. I might not have too much time for ~town this week and the next, but I hope to come back like I was again soon.



08 november 2018

q

i just feel q because q is the button that quits programs

a more abrupt version of quitting is ctrl+c'ing

that generates a SIGINT and right now I feel like SIGINTing my life

i'm sorry, but my head hurts



07 november 2018

hello hello there and again

share to re-elect ~vilmibm as the mayor of tilde town ignore if you dont like tildes

I feel sad every now and then when I see little kids, or things that are related to babies and little kids. It's a sadness that goes away after a while, but it's definitely been debilitating to have to think back to a childhood I never had every so often. I wanna go back and be my own friend when I needed one most. It's not like I'm out of the woods yet, but I'm definitely better off than I was before.

Am I an okay person? Am I good enough for someone to pat me on the head and say, "great work with this and that," without me feeling like I didn't deserve it? I hope so. Darnit, I want a hug.



05 november 2018

So far today has been okay, I got good grades at school and I learned a bit of LaTeX. This girl in my class said she loved filling in forms, so I printed a psychological test for her to fill in. I wrote it myself in LaTeX. Weird, I know, but it was a good opportunity to learn :P

I had a conversation with troido about why people seem to never want to talk to me, and they suggested it might be because I force them to, or because I speak too often. Today I decided to just ask people if they want to talk to me about something, and just listened. I don't think that's the cause, but I still shut up quite a bit in comparison to before.

I just hope that someday, I can be a functional human being instead of a lonely mess.



03 november 2018

Today's been fine so far. I participated in a ham radio contest, and that was cool. That was with a friend of mine.



02 november 2018

I wrote some new CSS for my blog site. If anyone is reading this at all, let alone on the webpage, I hope you like it. :) I've been trying to be more productive lately. Hopefully it's working. I know it's definitely distracting me from my dark thoughts. I'll leave before I trigger then again.

I suppose today was cool.



30 october 2018

I kinda feel useless today. I have a Linear Algebra exam this Thursday and I've barely practiced. I procrastinated a lot, and I'm afraid I might get a low grade when I could do a lot more. I haven't been studying much this year, for some reason I don't have the ambition I used to. Then again, this is third year of high school, so maybe it's just what happens. I hope I don't fail. I need something to do all the time, otherwise my thoughts go onto who I am and where I am, and it's a bad experience.

I've been talking to you townies more often these days and it's helped me feel less lonely. I still want to talk to someone using my voice though. It isn't a nice voice, but my vocal cords practically dry up when I'm at home since I don't talk to anyone. I'm a really talkative person by nature, and it's no surprise that I get a lot of comments about it. When I last went to Belgium, I met so many amazing people at the 14-day camp, and I wanted to talk to all of them as much as possible. However, some apparently complained to the counselors that I was being too social with them instead of just telling me. What was I gonna do, insult them? I would just say 'okay,' and not talk to them as much anymore. I guess I understand why they didn't say it directly. But still, after the counselor had a chat with me, I pretended to just understand and said I would try to work on it. But when I went back into my dorm room, I couldn't help but tear up. I really only wanted to socialize with people who aren't shitty like the ones back home, but I guess I made them uncomfortable. I don't know how, even now, but whatever I did, I apologize to them. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this. Sometimes I wish I was self-sufficient all the time, but it's only human to want to make a connection with others. I guess I've been even more self-sufficient than the average person considering my circumstances, but I still feel lonely all the time. What is it about me that pushes people away? I solved many issues, like not talking about obscure topics, but it still hapens. I know I talk too much, I know I'm subconsciously too loud when I speak, I know I sometimes overcompensate for my extensive flaws with big words and long-winded explanations, and it makes me seem obnoxious and like a smartass, but short of a lobotomy and laryngectomy, I don't see a sure-fire way to solve those instantly. I just want to have people I can talk to without being afraid. I just want to have people that are interested in what I like. I just want to have people to share experiences with, without having to delete a year's worth of work in UTAU and other programming attempts of my own in the area of vocal synthesis, because I feel nobody cares. And maybe, just maybe, nobody does care. But I do. I wanna be able to do it for myself, without needing the validation of others. What if others don't care, when I care? The problem is, I care in a negative way, detrimental to my work. I demotivate myself. I guess that's why I need validation.

What if I have a problem with attention? It seems likely. I just want someone to pay attention to me like my parents never did, or something like that. I'm too tired to think of what it could be. I just hope I can be happy, and make others happy. I guess it's pretentious of me to think anyone reads these. But, wishful thinking is always nice.

I just wanna feel like I'm a neat person.



27 october 2018

People are coming over today. I just hope that they won't be rude or troublesome. I hate crowds. I feel stressed out about all the school obligations I can't do because people are everywhere. I really hope I don't mess up something just because these people decded to show up.

Today was a nice day, I think. I did neat stuff. I hope tomorrow is okay.



26 october 2018

My neighbor passed away today. I found out a few minutes ago when I saw the obituary on my building's door. He had cancer, and was in a lot of pain, so I suppose he is now out of his misery. May he rest in peace. I know I'm jinxing myself by saying this, but I hope nothing else bad happens this weekend...

I'll see what I can do to have a good weekend.

I played some VR and it was nice. Today was okay :D



25 october 2018

Hi people who read these, nice to meet all of you! What a nice community this is. My feels are currently "feels good man" and I want them to stay that way if possible. Today was nice, I guess, and I want to relax. I just hope I don't get dragged to work again, because I just want to enjoy, or go out in the sun which is unusual for October since it was single-digit degrees Celsius in the morning. I'll manage to get through it. I just hope I can do okay. Wish me luck. I wish everyone reading this a happy day! Hopefully my feels won't change and they will stay good :) I promise my next feels are gonna be more interesting to read.