06 may 2020
I felt the need to dump this somewhere because it was eating at me from the inside, and I couldn't get any school writing done until I did.
I didn't realize it until last night, but in my quest to figure out and understand exactly why I was holding myself back from creating the way I wish to, I was able to ignite something deeper. After a day spent frustratedly finishing writing some code that I didn't feel content with, I realized that was exactly it; I am in need of transformation in all aspects of my life.
How could it be possible that my life changes so drastically and my creative endeavours don't follow? I realized I was remaining stagnant amongst the routine of my schoolwork. I had a method for creating that was familiar and comfortable, but I found my personal projects and art to not be challenging or intellectually stimulating or even an accurate representation of who I am now.
I haven't gone deep enough into my projects to feel satisfied with myself and I haven't been pushing all of my limits, creatively or mentally. I didn't realize until last night, crying as I vented my frustration, trying to understand exactly what was making me feel so shitty about my work and even my art, that I have a knot in my chest that I've been holding inside for so long.
It's my passion to create something different, something my own. Something brand new to myself. I need to push my boundaries and figure out all of the obscure and untouched spaces of my soul and mind. I need to give myself entirely to my art without these self-created limitations. I'm not the same as I was last year. Last month. Last week.
I've allowed myself to be constantly learning, growing, evolving, changing, and that is beautiful. I refuse to let life, to let people, push me around any longer. I've known for a while but I have finally taken action. I have realised, more accurately, embraced the fact that I have complete undeniable control of my life.
Every decision I make, every way I choose to react to situations, all of this is my own. All of this is my creation. I don't know why I'm here, but I do know that we are living works of art. So where is our magnificence? Where is the magnificence and tragedy in a work of art that doesn't transport into something experimental and enticing?
I'm choosing to pour my heart and soul into everything I do, enraged with passion.
I'm breaking down the constructs of my emotions and the walls I've built so strong to protect myself from feeling too much, consequently creating a beautiful and dangerous chaos. The lowest lows have been blending into the highest highs, and in the end I'm stuck feeling in between about everything. This frustrated me and prompted a very bad habit, where if something doesn't set my heart on fire, then it isn't worth my time.
I know there are expectations from other people and my giving nature wants to listen to the unreasonable thoughts in the back of my mind telling me that I have to do things for other people's satisfaction, that I have to make sure they are happy with me, with my projects, with my decisions. But that's an entirely inaccurate and flawed way of going about life.
My art is my life and my life is my art. And there's not a single person on this earth that I should trust more than myself to nourish it, to make it thrive and grow strong, to care about it as much as I do. There's not a single person worth sacrificing any piece of myself for, no matter how miniscule.
I love unconditionally, but I'm doing this for me, vulnerably letting down my guard and leaving the door to my home wide open, allowing anyone who wishes or passes by to peer through.
I'm on a journey to become satisfied with myself, and the only way that will happen is if I allow myself to just be exactly who I am without filtering out what I fear others will judge about me.
I'm readily taking on the challenge to accept ultimate and complete vulnerability as the passageway that leads to ultimate and complete freedom. I love the freedom of creating my own space.
I so badly crave for what I work on to appear, sound and feel exactly the way I picture it internally.
I guess that's the biggest struggle of being an artist, of being human: getting it all out in a way that really captures any emotion. Art in its many forms, including any coding I've done, is the only way I've found that can successfully suffocate the rage and torment within me, to let out all of my pain in a healthy way, to intensely release, but also to give, to grow, to learn, to evaluate the things I didn't notice I've buried away.
Sometimes when I'm creating, I feel like I'm detached from my mind and just watching something happen before my very eyes, unable to fathom exactly how I was able to do it in the end. It takes getting into a form of thoughtlessness, which tends to waver in and out. That's my greatest challenge, giving myself complete freedom to release without hesitation, without self-doubt, without judgment.
Absolute freedom will be when I'm able to entirely disconnect from my own self judgment. It takes practice because it's so easy to fall into old patterns of self-deprecation and vivid fear of letting my energy flow out for nothing. I guess that's it. That I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I can expect or interpret.
I'm afraid of pushing my boundaries, exploring new territories within myself. I'm afraid of all of these vivid emotions that are so foreign to me, being new to feeling anything, but I'm embracing them. The only way I will move forward is through opening my arms to the unknown and releasing my fears little by little.
I've had it burnt into my brain since long ago that I'm unworthy of happiness. That I'm unworthy of anything good in my life. Undoing such tightly-knit thought patterns will take getting used to, but these days I'm feeling genuine happiness for the first time, pouring through my body like hot liquid, melting away the fear and pain that lived inside of me for so long. I'm finally fighting through those thoughts in fits of rage because I've recently learned from experience that the moments I stopped holding myself back are the moments when beautiful things happen.
It's hard to express these vivid and intoxicating emotions, but I will give everything I have within me to pour out my wild, raging, beating heart and turn it into something entrancing. I've been in and out of a coccoon, running away and unraveling myself in fear of what will happen. Fearing flight, fearing change, fearing the unknown, the feeling of freedom. This time of my life is an extremely significant breakthrough.
Thanks for reading.
20 april 2020
Today I did nothing.
09 february 2020
I feel like uid 65534. No privileges, unable to read or write or express myself, unable to interact with others. nobody.
05 february 2020
My policy used to be "Oh well, if I don't have a proper social life, at least I can focus on getting my grades in order! :D"
Well, both of those are now at an all-time low, and the combined demotivation is not making it any better.
In fact, it just brings me back to that "hole with no bottom."
Funny how this happens every week, like a cycle.
I failed my trigonometry test today, but I still can identify a sine wave when I see one.
Except this one has a far smaller maximum than a minimum. Maybe that's all a matter of perception?
What if the negative part of the y-axis is at a much greater scale than the positive one?
Who knows. I'll try that technique that the librarian told me: set a timer for 10 minutes, think about an issue for 10 minutes as much as you can,
and never think about it again.
29 january 2020
Be warned, tons of negative vibes below.
How the fuck did this happen?
How did I let myself ruin my health, overall mood and enthusiasm based on how others act around me, not even involving me?
Is it jealousy? Is it entitlement? Self-righteousness?
Why, as well? So many questions I can ask myself. But no answers.
I feel like I'm hanging by a thread, over a hole. The hole isn't a hole where you fall into it and it hurts. It's the kind of hole
that you never find the way out of. You keep falling, falling, the anxiety of how hard you'll hit the ground envelops you, but
you never hit it. You're stuck, wrapped up in the anxiety, you wanna cry out but who'd hear you as you hurtle towards nothing at
mach 9. How do I not fall in? If I scream, who the fuck would hear me? The people who say "If you need me, I'm here" are never there.
They never make themselves accessible. They just wanna get their moral obligation out of the way.
Fuck this. Fuck me. Fuck everything. I just wish I could focus on my own things without my mind being clouded by shit.
16 january 2020
27 november 2019
If you're going to provide public displays of affection with other people, why make it near me on purpose, one day after I told you that I feel inadequate and lonely when everyone else made friends?
Maybe I'm acting entitled. Maybe I'm even asking for it. Who knows.
10 october 2019
Things aren't picking up.
Trying to socialize just hurts and ends in me rethinking every movement I made and every word I said in my last interaction.
Every time I think I'm close with someone, I just lock them out by reflex.
I don't want my two years of amazing experiences to be shut down by my own brain being out for blood against me...
How would I go around to solving this anyway?
14 september 2019
Just when I thought I had figured out social interactions, I was proven wrong.
Oh well, I guess I can just remain positive.
I should work on some personal projects before academic matters become more difficult.
25 august 2019
I just came back from camping with the others from my house, and it was both good and bad.
Camping was fine, but when there was a bonfire last night, I felt sad and couldn't socialize properly. But it all ended well and by the end of the night I found
some people to talk to. Besides, the next morning we all had fun, so it's good.
I talked to James, a second-year, about whether the entire school year would be like this. He told me that no, orientation week was mostly just to get new students
acquainted with the school, and afterwards the activities and seeming relationships wouldn't be so plastic. I sure hope so.
23 august 2019
Today was a bit of a downer, because I felt like I was intruding on everyone's conversations when I wanted to socialize.
Oh well, tomorrow will be a better day, I'm sure. I'll make friends and stick to them.
22 august 2019
I arrived yesterday in Armenia, to study at UWC Dilijan. So far it's been quite good, but I can see it getting old quick.
Hopefully this is just how induction week is, and there are more interesting things to come. In fact, I'm sure that's the case.
Either way, I made some cool friends and I'm still trying to figure the place out.
That's about it for now, I'll try to write more often, at least once every two days.
03 july 2019
My vacation in Greece is going well and it's proven itself to be a great way to unwind and relax.
But the thoughts of loneliness are kinda amplified by being in a foreign country where you don't even barely know the people around you.
I hope I can push them away, especially with so many people I like talking to ghosting me or acting distant.
Even people who say they care about me seem to only mean it superficialy and never reach out to me to check how I'm doing.
Maybe I'm a shitty selfish person who has no understanding for others. I hope that isn't the case.
Making accusations toward myself doesn't help me, so I try to tone it down, but I suppose that sometimes they turn out right.
I just don't wanna be a shitty person, but I also don't wanna feel shitty.
01 july 2019
Today I started my vacation in Greece. It sure feels nice to be able to relax for a change.
However, I started thinking about loneliness again, so that's not nice. I hope that stops.
I suppose that soon, I won't be as lonely, since I'll be living with students from all around the world that are about my age.
That's nice to think about.
25 june 2019
Is anyone still reading these? I mean, mine. I know I read other people's.
If you are, please let me know by whatever method is most convenient to you.
08 june 2019
I scolded one of my friends while we were out tonight because he replied quite insensitively to things that weren't quite... appropriate for that kind of response,
and now I feel bad about it.
An example was:
Me: Yeah, that whole situation back then made me feel like an asshole. I've changed a lot in the last two years, haven't I?
Him: I don't care if you're an asshole, we're still friends.
Me: Wait, you're joking, right?
Him: About what?
Many other examples included saying "okay, let's go" while I was telling him about some personal issues (mid-sentence) and playing a game on his computer while I was
showing him something on mine.
He didn't even notice that he was being insensitive whatsoever. I felt bad because, well, who am I to tell him what to do?
What if I'm the bad guy for telling him what to do? I know he hurt me with his behaviour, but what if I'm really the asshole and he did nothing wrong?
I feel horrible now.
Also, another friend of mine came from Germany a few days ago. I want to hug her and never let go, because she's one of my best friends even though we don't talk too
often and she lives abroad. But, I feel really inadequate when we talk. Like I'm beneath her somehow. It's not the typical crush thing, but instead a literal feeling
of inadequacy ("who am I to talk to her or be around her? am I annoying?")
I hope it goes away and she knows how I feel. I can't even get myself to ask her to go out sometime.
01 may 2019
Is it weird that I feel more comfortable talking to a cat plushie
than I do talking to real people, especially about my problems?
Is this something of a sign that I need to seek professional help?
I hope not.
07 april 2019
I got a rash all over my arms and torso. The doctor said it was stress-induced.
7My classmates avoided me even more than usual, saying I had the measles. I had
to beg my homeroom teacher to write me a medical leave of absence and she didn't.
I can't wait to leave this shitty school.
I can't wait to leave this shitty country.
I can't wait to leave this shitty existence.
I wish I had someone here with me.
07 march 2019
Is having interests you are mocked for, only for "popular" kids to have them later and everyone is interested something that happens only in high school, or am I doomed to have it happen all my life?
Because I'm fucking sick of it.
05 march 2019
I was crossing the street today and I saw a truck driver texting.
So, this person is hurtling towards the marked pedestrian crossing at 50 km/h and he is looking at his phone. My first thought was the amount of insurance money I could get by starting to cross; he would definitely hit me and it would either be easy money or death.
Not like I care about my body, right?
Then I realised that my body hasn't ever done anything bad to me, and it doesn't deserve to be hurt because of me.
What is me? Is "me" the brain? Just the consciousness merely piloting the meaty bits? Who knows.
02 march 2019
Today was okay, but I kinda got into shitty mood territory by getting in between two people: someone manipulative that needs to stop, and their parent.
Oh well. I'm fine now and that's what matters. Lately I've just been busy with school, and hunting for opportunities finally paid off. I'm leaving this
01 march 2019
These past few days have been pretty good!
I felt sad a couple of times, but I'm okay now. I got an account
on cat's tildetel telephone service and it's been fun talking to various
people on the tildes. Neato!
Also I might study abroad. Still waiting for news on that.
23 february 2019
I found a thought on baud.baby's gopher pages that I really liked. It goes like this:
"A jawbreaker, or a gobstopper is a type of
hard candy, usually they're colorful, round and usually
They're made through a process of layering, they roll around in a flavor or a
color for a while until
they absorb a thin coating of it and then they move on
to the next.
They continue to accumulate fragile layers of flavor
and color until there
is an illusion of them being something of substance,
something interesting, but that illusion quickly fades.
The colors muddy, the flavors only loosely approximate
what they claim to be, they have no nutritional value
and at the end of it all they're hollow, physically
Life is short and valuable, don't spend it with
things like jawbreakers.
Don't let them waste your time, don't lend them your
flavor or let them steal
11 february 2019
Stuff has been going okay. I hope I get to leave the country soon.
It's good to write again.
It helps me organize my thoughts.
20 december 2018
I am only being held to reality by the tiniest sliver of a thread made out of hope.
I'm hanging over a black hole; if I fall, there is no comfort in hitting the bottom and being done with life.
No, no. Time slows down the more I fall, and I just suffer inching closer and closer to the black hole, yet never hitting the bottom.
My brain just gave up a long time ago. It will take something far more different than medication to fix this.
I need physical contact, someone to think about as motivation to not disappoint.
11 december 2018
I had a dream, and it was a weird one. First the elevator was going up
fine, but then it started free-falling for what felt like an eternity. Then
it stopped suddenly, and wouldn't move after that. So, I got out of the
cabin via the ceiling and saw one of those serviceman's ladders affixed to
the wall. I started climbing it, and eventually after another eternity of
being afraid I might fall, I found a little platform with a door. The
symbol above the door was a regular exit sign (with the little green guy
and the arrow), so I entered. For some amusing reason, there was some chill
music playing, and the place was a fully decked out little hideout. It had
a bathroom, a laptop on a table (which I didn't think to turn on because
computers never work in dreams), a fridge and some other kitchen utilities,
and a sofa and bed. There was a note on the table next to the laptop, that
read "This is for You, the People Who Can't Climb Up The Easy Way. You are
the ones that keep things going. Sincerely, the Universe" This is when I
woke up laughing, and couldn't really fall back into that dream again.
Ah well, I hope we meet again, chillax room.
15 november 2018
I feel mentally retarded.
I went from being able to easily solve math problems for school, to being unable to solve 4 basic ones the teacher gives as a way to relax.
I spent all of last night practicing, and this morning too.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Did shit finally catch up to haunt me?
14 november 2018
I've been so stressed out these past few days. I apologize for not writing more often.
In any case, school is getting in the way and it's only going to get more difficult. Ah well.
I might not have too much time for ~town this week and the next, but I hope to come back like I was again soon.
08 november 2018
i just feel q because
q is the button that quits programs
a more abrupt version of quitting is ctrl+c'ing
that generates a SIGINT
and right now I feel like SIGINTing my life
i'm sorry, but my head hurts
07 november 2018
hello hello there and again
share to re-elect ~vilmibm as the mayor of tilde town
ignore if you dont like tildes
I feel sad every now and then when I see little kids, or things that are related to babies and little kids.
It's a sadness that goes away after a while, but it's definitely been debilitating to have to think back to a childhood I never had every so often.
I wanna go back and be my own friend when I needed one most. It's not like I'm out of the woods yet, but I'm definitely better off than I was before.
Am I an okay person? Am I good enough for someone to pat me on the head and say, "great work with this and that," without me feeling like I didn't deserve it?
I hope so.
Darnit, I want a hug.
05 november 2018
So far today has been okay, I got good grades at school and I learned a bit of LaTeX.
This girl in my class said she loved filling in forms, so I printed a psychological test for her to fill in.
I wrote it myself in LaTeX. Weird, I know, but it was a good opportunity to learn :P
I had a conversation with troido about why people seem to never want to talk to me, and they suggested it might be because I force them to,
or because I speak too often.
Today I decided to just ask people if they want to talk to me about something, and just listened.
I don't think that's the cause, but I still shut up quite a bit in comparison to before.
I just hope that someday, I can be a functional human being instead of a lonely mess.
03 november 2018
Today's been fine so far. I participated in a ham radio contest, and that was cool. That was with a friend of mine.
02 november 2018
I wrote some new CSS for my blog site. If anyone is reading this at all, let alone on the webpage, I hope you like it. :)
I've been trying to be more productive lately. Hopefully it's working.
I know it's definitely distracting me from my dark thoughts. I'll leave before I trigger then again.
I suppose today was cool.
30 october 2018
I kinda feel useless today. I have a Linear Algebra exam this Thursday and I've barely practiced.
I procrastinated a lot, and I'm afraid I might get a low grade when I could do a lot more.
I haven't been studying much this year, for some reason I don't have the ambition I used to.
Then again, this is third year of high school, so maybe it's just what happens. I hope I don't fail.
I need something to do all the time, otherwise my thoughts go onto who I am and where I am, and it's a bad experience.
I've been talking to you townies more often these days and it's helped me feel less lonely. I still want to talk to someone using my voice though.
It isn't a nice voice, but my vocal cords practically dry up when I'm at home since I don't talk to anyone.
I'm a really talkative person by nature, and it's no surprise that I get a lot of comments about it.
When I last went to Belgium, I met so many amazing people at the 14-day camp, and I wanted to talk to all of them as much as possible.
However, some apparently complained to the counselors that I was being too social with them instead of just telling me.
What was I gonna do, insult them? I would just say 'okay,' and not talk to them as much anymore.
I guess I understand why they didn't say it directly. But still, after the counselor had a chat with me, I pretended to just understand and said I would try
to work on it. But when I went back into my dorm room, I couldn't help but tear up. I really only wanted to socialize with people who aren't shitty like the ones back
home, but I guess I made them uncomfortable. I don't know how, even now, but whatever I did, I apologize to them.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this. Sometimes I wish I was self-sufficient all the time, but it's only human to want to make a connection with others.
I guess I've been even more self-sufficient than the average person considering my circumstances, but I still feel lonely all the time.
What is it about me that pushes people away? I solved many issues, like not talking about obscure topics, but it still hapens.
I know I talk too much, I know I'm subconsciously too loud when I speak, I know I sometimes overcompensate for my extensive flaws with big words and long-winded
explanations, and it makes me seem obnoxious and like a smartass, but short of a lobotomy and laryngectomy, I don't see a sure-fire way to solve those instantly.
I just want to have people I can talk to without being afraid.
I just want to have people that are interested in what I like.
I just want to have people to share experiences with, without having to delete a year's worth of work in UTAU and other programming attempts of
my own in the area of vocal synthesis, because I feel nobody cares.
And maybe, just maybe, nobody does care. But I do. I wanna be able to do it for myself, without needing the validation of others.
What if others don't care, when I care? The problem is, I care in a negative way, detrimental to my work. I demotivate myself.
I guess that's why I need validation.
What if I have a problem with attention? It seems likely. I just want someone to pay attention to me like my parents never did, or something like that.
I'm too tired to think of what it could be. I just hope I can be happy, and make others happy.
I guess it's pretentious of me to think anyone reads these. But, wishful thinking is always nice.
I just wanna feel like I'm a neat person.
27 october 2018
People are coming over today. I just hope that they won't be rude or troublesome.
I hate crowds.
I feel stressed out about all the school obligations I can't do because people are everywhere.
I really hope I don't mess up something just because these people decded to show up.
Today was a nice day, I think. I did neat stuff. I hope tomorrow is okay.
26 october 2018
My neighbor passed away today. I found out a few minutes ago when I saw the obituary on my building's door.
He had cancer, and was in a lot of pain, so I suppose he is now out of his misery. May he rest in peace.
I know I'm jinxing myself by saying this, but I hope nothing else bad happens this weekend...
I'll see what I can do to have a good weekend.
I played some VR and it was nice. Today was okay :D
25 october 2018
Hi people who read these, nice to meet all of you!
What a nice community this is. My feels are currently "feels good man" and I want them to stay that way if possible.
Today was nice, I guess, and I want to relax.
I just hope I don't get dragged to work again, because I just want to enjoy, or go out in the sun which is unusual for October since it was single-digit degrees
Celsius in the morning. I'll manage to get through it. I just hope I can do okay. Wish me luck.
I wish everyone reading this a happy day! Hopefully my feels won't change and they will stay good :)
I promise my next feels are gonna be more interesting to read.