03 july 2019
My vacation in Greece is going well and it's proven itself to be a great way to unwind and relax.
But the thoughts of loneliness are kinda amplified by being in a foreign country where you don't even barely know the people around you.
I hope I can push them away, especially with so many people I like talking to ghosting me or acting distant.
Even people who say they care about me seem to only mean it superficialy and never reach out to me to check how I'm doing.
Maybe I'm a shitty selfish person who has no understanding for others. I hope that isn't the case.
Making accusations toward myself doesn't help me, so I try to tone it down, but I suppose that sometimes they turn out right.
I just don't wanna be a shitty person, but I also don't wanna feel shitty.
01 july 2019
Today I started my vacation in Greece. It sure feels nice to be able to relax for a change.
However, I started thinking about loneliness again, so that's not nice. I hope that stops.
I suppose that soon, I won't be as lonely, since I'll be living with students from all around the world that are about my age.
That's nice to think about.
25 june 2019
Is anyone still reading these? I mean, mine. I know I read other people's.
If you are, please let me know by whatever method is most convenient to you.
08 june 2019
I scolded one of my friends while we were out tonight because he replied quite insensitively to things that weren't quite... appropriate for that kind of response,
and now I feel bad about it.
An example was:
Me: Yeah, that whole situation back then made me feel like an asshole. I've changed a lot in the last two years, haven't I?
Him: I don't care if you're an asshole, we're still friends.
Me: Wait, you're joking, right?
Him: About what?
Many other examples included saying "okay, let's go" while I was telling him about some personal issues (mid-sentence) and playing a game on his computer while I was
showing him something on mine.
He didn't even notice that he was being insensitive whatsoever. I felt bad because, well, who am I to tell him what to do?
What if I'm the bad guy for telling him what to do? I know he hurt me with his behaviour, but what if I'm really the asshole and he did nothing wrong?
I feel horrible now.
Also, another friend of mine came from Germany a few days ago. I want to hug her and never let go, because she's one of my best friends even though we don't talk too
often and she lives abroad. But, I feel really inadequate when we talk. Like I'm beneath her somehow. It's not the typical crush thing, but instead a literal feeling
of inadequacy ("who am I to talk to her or be around her? am I annoying?")
I hope it goes away and she knows how I feel. I can't even get myself to ask her to go out sometime.
01 may 2019
Is it weird that I feel more comfortable talking to a cat plushie
than I do talking to real people, especially about my problems?
Is this something of a sign that I need to seek professional help?
I hope not.
07 april 2019
I got a rash all over my arms and torso. The doctor said it was stress-induced.
7My classmates avoided me even more than usual, saying I had the measles. I had
to beg my homeroom teacher to write me a medical leave of absence and she didn't.
I can't wait to leave this shitty school.
I can't wait to leave this shitty country.
I can't wait to leave this shitty existence.
I wish I had someone here with me.
07 march 2019
Is having interests you are mocked for, only for "popular" kids to have them later and everyone is interested something that happens only in high school, or am I doomed to have it happen all my life?
Because I'm fucking sick of it.
05 march 2019
I was crossing the street today and I saw a truck driver texting.
So, this person is hurtling towards the marked pedestrian crossing at 50 km/h and he is looking at his phone. My first thought was the amount of insurance money I could get by starting to cross; he would definitely hit me and it would either be easy money or death.
Not like I care about my body, right?
Then I realised that my body hasn't ever done anything bad to me, and it doesn't deserve to be hurt because of me.
What is me? Is "me" the brain? Just the consciousness merely piloting the meaty bits? Who knows.
02 march 2019
Today was okay, but I kinda got into shitty mood territory by getting in between two people: someone manipulative that needs to stop, and their parent.
Oh well. I'm fine now and that's what matters. Lately I've just been busy with school, and hunting for opportunities finally paid off. I'm leaving this
01 march 2019
These past few days have been pretty good!
I felt sad a couple of times, but I'm okay now. I got an account
on cat's tildetel telephone service and it's been fun talking to various
people on the tildes. Neato!
Also I might study abroad. Still waiting for news on that.
23 february 2019
I found a thought on baud.baby's gopher pages that I really liked. It goes like this:
"A jawbreaker, or a gobstopper is a type of
hard candy, usually they're colorful, round and usually
They're made through a process of layering, they roll around in a flavor or a
color for a while until
they absorb a thin coating of it and then they move on
to the next.
They continue to accumulate fragile layers of flavor
and color until there
is an illusion of them being something of substance,
something interesting, but that illusion quickly fades.
The colors muddy, the flavors only loosely approximate
what they claim to be, they have no nutritional value
and at the end of it all they're hollow, physically
Life is short and valuable, don't spend it with
things like jawbreakers.
Don't let them waste your time, don't lend them your
flavor or let them steal
11 february 2019
Stuff has been going okay. I hope I get to leave the country soon.
It's good to write again.
It helps me organize my thoughts.
20 december 2018
I am only being held to reality by the tiniest sliver of a thread made out of hope.
I'm hanging over a black hole; if I fall, there is no comfort in hitting the bottom and being done with life.
No, no. Time slows down the more I fall, and I just suffer inching closer and closer to the black hole, yet never hitting the bottom.
My brain just gave up a long time ago. It will take something far more different than medication to fix this.
I need physical contact, someone to think about as motivation to not disappoint.
11 december 2018
I had a dream, and it was a weird one. First the elevator was going up
fine, but then it started free-falling for what felt like an eternity. Then
it stopped suddenly, and wouldn't move after that. So, I got out of the
cabin via the ceiling and saw one of those serviceman's ladders affixed to
the wall. I started climbing it, and eventually after another eternity of
being afraid I might fall, I found a little platform with a door. The
symbol above the door was a regular exit sign (with the little green guy
and the arrow), so I entered. For some amusing reason, there was some chill
music playing, and the place was a fully decked out little hideout. It had
a bathroom, a laptop on a table (which I didn't think to turn on because
computers never work in dreams), a fridge and some other kitchen utilities,
and a sofa and bed. There was a note on the table next to the laptop, that
read "This is for You, the People Who Can't Climb Up The Easy Way. You are
the ones that keep things going. Sincerely, the Universe" This is when I
woke up laughing, and couldn't really fall back into that dream again.
Ah well, I hope we meet again, chillax room.
15 november 2018
I feel mentally retarded.
I went from being able to easily solve math problems for school, to being unable to solve 4 basic ones the teacher gives as a way to relax.
I spent all of last night practicing, and this morning too.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Did shit finally catch up to haunt me?
14 november 2018
I've been so stressed out these past few days. I apologize for not writing more often.
In any case, school is getting in the way and it's only going to get more difficult. Ah well.
I might not have too much time for ~town this week and the next, but I hope to come back like I was again soon.
08 november 2018
i just feel q because
q is the button that quits programs
a more abrupt version of quitting is ctrl+c'ing
that generates a SIGINT
and right now I feel like SIGINTing my life
i'm sorry, but my head hurts
07 november 2018
hello hello there and again
share to re-elect ~vilmibm as the mayor of tilde town
ignore if you dont like tildes
I feel sad every now and then when I see little kids, or things that are related to babies and little kids.
It's a sadness that goes away after a while, but it's definitely been debilitating to have to think back to a childhood I never had every so often.
I wanna go back and be my own friend when I needed one most. It's not like I'm out of the woods yet, but I'm definitely better off than I was before.
Am I an okay person? Am I good enough for someone to pat me on the head and say, "great work with this and that," without me feeling like I didn't deserve it?
I hope so.
Darnit, I want a hug.
05 november 2018
So far today has been okay, I got good grades at school and I learned a bit of LaTeX.
This girl in my class said she loved filling in forms, so I printed a psychological test for her to fill in.
I wrote it myself in LaTeX. Weird, I know, but it was a good opportunity to learn :P
I had a conversation with troido about why people seem to never want to talk to me, and they suggested it might be because I force them to,
or because I speak too often.
Today I decided to just ask people if they want to talk to me about something, and just listened.
I don't think that's the cause, but I still shut up quite a bit in comparison to before.
I just hope that someday, I can be a functional human being instead of a lonely mess.
03 november 2018
Today's been fine so far. I participated in a ham radio contest, and that was cool. That was with a friend of mine.
02 november 2018
I wrote some new CSS for my blog site. If anyone is reading this at all, let alone on the webpage, I hope you like it. :)
I've been trying to be more productive lately. Hopefully it's working.
I know it's definitely distracting me from my dark thoughts. I'll leave before I trigger then again.
I suppose today was cool.
30 october 2018
I kinda feel useless today. I have a Linear Algebra exam this Thursday and I've barely practiced.
I procrastinated a lot, and I'm afraid I might get a low grade when I could do a lot more.
I haven't been studying much this year, for some reason I don't have the ambition I used to.
Then again, this is third year of high school, so maybe it's just what happens. I hope I don't fail.
I need something to do all the time, otherwise my thoughts go onto who I am and where I am, and it's a bad experience.
I've been talking to you townies more often these days and it's helped me feel less lonely. I still want to talk to someone using my voice though.
It isn't a nice voice, but my vocal cords practically dry up when I'm at home since I don't talk to anyone.
I'm a really talkative person by nature, and it's no surprise that I get a lot of comments about it.
When I last went to Belgium, I met so many amazing people at the 14-day camp, and I wanted to talk to all of them as much as possible.
However, some apparently complained to the counselors that I was being too social with them instead of just telling me.
What was I gonna do, insult them? I would just say 'okay,' and not talk to them as much anymore.
I guess I understand why they didn't say it directly. But still, after the counselor had a chat with me, I pretended to just understand and said I would try
to work on it. But when I went back into my dorm room, I couldn't help but tear up. I really only wanted to socialize with people who aren't shitty like the ones back
home, but I guess I made them uncomfortable. I don't know how, even now, but whatever I did, I apologize to them.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this. Sometimes I wish I was self-sufficient all the time, but it's only human to want to make a connection with others.
I guess I've been even more self-sufficient than the average person considering my circumstances, but I still feel lonely all the time.
What is it about me that pushes people away? I solved many issues, like not talking about obscure topics, but it still hapens.
I know I talk too much, I know I'm subconsciously too loud when I speak, I know I sometimes overcompensate for my extensive flaws with big words and long-winded
explanations, and it makes me seem obnoxious and like a smartass, but short of a lobotomy and laryngectomy, I don't see a sure-fire way to solve those instantly.
I just want to have people I can talk to without being afraid.
I just want to have people that are interested in what I like.
I just want to have people to share experiences with, without having to delete a year's worth of work in UTAU and other programming attempts of
my own in the area of vocal synthesis, because I feel nobody cares.
And maybe, just maybe, nobody does care. But I do. I wanna be able to do it for myself, without needing the validation of others.
What if others don't care, when I care? The problem is, I care in a negative way, detrimental to my work. I demotivate myself.
I guess that's why I need validation.
What if I have a problem with attention? It seems likely. I just want someone to pay attention to me like my parents never did, or something like that.
I'm too tired to think of what it could be. I just hope I can be happy, and make others happy.
I guess it's pretentious of me to think anyone reads these. But, wishful thinking is always nice.
I just wanna feel like I'm a neat person.
27 october 2018
People are coming over today. I just hope that they won't be rude or troublesome.
I hate crowds.
I feel stressed out about all the school obligations I can't do because people are everywhere.
I really hope I don't mess up something just because these people decded to show up.
Today was a nice day, I think. I did neat stuff. I hope tomorrow is okay.
26 october 2018
My neighbor passed away today. I found out a few minutes ago when I saw the obituary on my building's door.
He had cancer, and was in a lot of pain, so I suppose he is now out of his misery. May he rest in peace.
I know I'm jinxing myself by saying this, but I hope nothing else bad happens this weekend...
I'll see what I can do to have a good weekend.
I played some VR and it was nice. Today was okay :D
25 october 2018
Hi people who read these, nice to meet all of you!
What a nice community this is. My feels are currently "feels good man" and I want them to stay that way if possible.
Today was nice, I guess, and I want to relax.
I just hope I don't get dragged to work again, because I just want to enjoy, or go out in the sun which is unusual for October since it was single-digit degrees
Celsius in the morning. I'll manage to get through it. I just hope I can do okay. Wish me luck.
I wish everyone reading this a happy day! Hopefully my feels won't change and they will stay good :)
I promise my next feels are gonna be more interesting to read.